(Closed) young and in love: the value of waiting?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Who cares about having a ring?  Honestly, I would have married my husband without having an engagement ring if we couldn’t afford it.  Maybe you could find a less expensive one?  The one thing that you need to think about (I’m not sure where you are located) is health insurance.  In the US, if you get married, you can’t be on your parent’s health insurance anymore.  It also affects the financial aid that you can get from your schools.  Just something to think about.

Post # 4
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

The ring is not important, unless it is important to YOU.  Lots of people only have wedding bands (or end up only wearing the wedding band for one reason or another).

Of course you can just do a civil service ceremony!  If the huge wedding isn’t all that important to you, and you want to be married soon, I see no problem with this at all.

I think it is definitely preferable to be financially independent.  How old are you guys?  You mention that he still has two years of school left… it might be a good idea to wait until he has finished that.  Also, have you gone to school/have a steady job that you like?  These are all important things to consider.

Post # 5
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

I’d address your 1 & 2concerns, those are kinda big concerns.

1) I was his first girlfriend, and 2) He got on the marriage bandwagon b/c of his sister’s imminent wedding.

The ring in my opinion isn’t as big a deal as those other two and maybe insecurities about the engagement and whether it was legitimate are making you more self conscious about having no ring.

Post # 7
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

u dnt get an engagement ring to prove anything to “society”.. as long as it doesnt bother u not to have one, then who cares what other ppl think. marriage should be about the couple rather than outside observers

Post # 8
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You can never be 100% sure about anything.

But you are expressing serious doubts about whether your FI will be financially stable when you have children, whether he is just jumping on the “marriage bandwagon” b/c of his sister, etc.  I’m not going to go as far as to say “don’t get married now,” but I think you do need to take a step back and seriously evaluate your relationship and your future.

Post # 9
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I dont think you are worried about not having a ring for society’s sake… it seems to really bother you. I think you need to let him know how important it is for you to have a symbol to show the world that you are getting married and that it is serious.

That said, from the sounds of things, a big expensive ring is not on the cards at the moment and I dont think he is being cheap by saying that he cant spend massive amounts of money on a ring, he does have school to think about paying for. Would you be happy with a cheaper symbolic ring for the time being?

A lot of women have symbolic rings and then get “upgraded” when their partners can afford it. My mother has been wearing (and continues to wear) a $100 engagement ring that both of them paid for back in the day. But last year my Dad bought her a beautiful diamond ring for their 30 year wedding anniversary.

Just dont get too caught up in this engagement ring feeling though… at the end of the day it is about getting married and starting your life together!

Post # 10
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Yes, I agree with OP’s that it’s about the marriage not the ring. You can have a $100 ring (or even a $20 ring) if it’s important to you.  Or if you *really* don’t care what everyone else thinks you can take one of your rings you already have and wear it on your left hand so people will just shut up about it already! Tongue out

And I think a civil service ceremony is a great idea. Weddings can be such a huge production, and if your FI is already concerned about finances and is still in school, this could be a huge point of contention. If he’s concerned about the money for a ring, the money for a wedding will probably blow his mind.

Only you will know whether you need to wait until he is more financially stable. Sometimes it’s OK to wait. You said he’s not very verbal but if he’s willing to talk to you just listen carefully to what he says.

Post # 11
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with everyone else.  The ring is not the important part.  The committment is the most important part of this process.  If you are doubting whether he truly means that he wants to marry you, then you definitely need to have a conversation with him.  The marriage part of this process is so incredibly important.  I love all the thrills and chills that come with the planning and the eventual fun party celebrating the marriage, but again, the life that comes after that one day is so much more important.  Part of that life will be communicating as a couple on things that are important to both of you.  Money is huge!  People get divorced over money issues.  If his financial security is an issue for you then it is definitely something that needs to be discussed.  You can never be one hundred percent sure of anything, but if you’re feeling insecure about his committment because he isn’t financially secure enough to provide you with an outward display of his affections for you then you need to talk to him again. 

Like the last poster said, he’s YOUR guy and only YOU will know if he is ready or not.  You did say he’s not very verbal (most guys aren’t, especially when it involves feelings) but this is so, so important.  Ask him some non-threatening questions and listen to what he says.  You seem pretty in tune with his feelings, so think about how he answers.  Don’t say something like, “Why haven’t you gotten me an engagement ring yet, ya cheapskate?” LOL

Weddings and all the acoutrements can be extremely expensive.  If that matters to you, then maybe you will have to wait until you can afford it.  25 years of age hardly makes you past your prime. Wink  I’m sure you can wait awhile or maybe ask your parents if they can pay for a wedding.

No matter what, it’s important to be happy.  If you aren’t happy with your decision to say yes then do what makes you happy.  If you are happy being engaged to him then work it out.

Post # 13
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sorry, but you are being INCREDIBLY controlling about the proposal. It sounds like you have everything scripted out in your head and he has to do it perfectly, AND it has to be a complete and total surprise. Please think really carefully about what your goal here is. If the engagement is only “perfect” if it happens exactly the way you have it in your head, what does that say about your relationship and the degree to which you trust his judgment and care about what HE wants?

As for the ring – I think this is something you need to discuss with him honestly. If you want something that is more expensive than he can afford, then yes, you should contribute – but you can’t do this AND look for the perfect, surprise, fairy tale proposal. 

Post # 14
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Your guy sounds like a real keeper and all he really wants is to make you happy. That said, I’m also going to give you some tough love. It’s really hard for a guy to plan a complete surprise proposal, and if you want it to be a total surprise than it can’t be this huge event. The reason for that is that as soon as he starts acting very romantic or doing things out of the ordinary, you’ll suspect something is up. 

I want to say something and it’s something I had to tell myself too, and that’s “get a grip.” That’s what I tell myself when the wedding in my head is getting out of control and what I see on TV and online is pressuring me to want all these crazy things. A proposal is supposed to be your SO asking to marry you. It doesn’t have to be totally crazy and picture perfect. You’ll always be disappointed unless you can lower you expectations a little bit. I’m not saying to settle, just that you’ll be happier if you don’t expect as much. I don’t mean to be a jerk, just that we all need to ground ourselves sometimes and think about 1. what’s really important and 2. what’s realistic in our lives.

With buying the ring you’ll have to discuss with him if he feels comfortable with you helping pay for it. I see nothing wrong with the woman contributing, especially since the majority of married couples combine their finances anyway. I agree that you should feel 100% happy with your ring. The only problem is that there’s a tradeoff between getting your dream ring and time. If you want to get engaged now, especially since your boyfriend is still in school, you may not be able to get your dream ring. If you really want a certain ring that’s more expensive (and your bf wants to purchase it alone) then you might have to wait a little longer. In terms of style, we’ll never know. I’m glad I ended up with a fairly traditional style ring because I intend to wear it for the rest of my life and I doubt it will ever go out of style. But some people are more quirky and have different taste and might like how different colors of stones can be more unique. 

Post # 16
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@msseahorse: Girl I am so confused. You are engaged but the wedding planning is postponed because you and your Fiance are in couples counseling..is that right? But now you are torned between him getting you a ring that he wants to get you and you buying your own? 

To answer your first questions I don’t see you telling your SO that you would buy the ring a problem, but thats me. How does your SO feel about that, did you talk to him about it?  In regards to your second question, be happy with whatever he gets you, this man wants to marry you.

I really suggest you two get through couples counseling, and school before you even think about getting married. If he has no money for a ring and living with his parents, how are you going to support one another financially. Most importantly, I would also suggest that you come to terms that he is not a planner, spontaneous, and a home body before you marry this man because that is who is he, and you seem a upset describing his personality traits. Once again these are only my suggestions. 

EDIT: I went back and looked at your first post and you stated that he did not give you a clear reason why he wants to marry you. You thought he was proposing because your his first girlfriend or he might be on the marriage wagon. Do you still feel this way? Because you are still asking he to do a second proposal…How does a second proposal=wanting to get married??

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