Post # 1
First time writing on a board.
I feel like venting…
I’ve been engaged for almost a month now. I love my fiance very much. We are high school sweethearts and have been together for 2 and a half years. I was prepared for questions and you are way too youngs, but I was not prepared for strangers yelling at me in bakerys and parts of my family being extremely difficult. It was not like it was a huge shock to anyone who knew us. He took all the right steps. He asked my dad for his blessing, his parents both approve, he and I are going to go to college together, rent an apartment, etc. Neither of us are losing anything that we wanted to do in college and our future by getting married. I am a third generation high school sweetheart. My grandparents got married at 17 and 18, my mom and dad were 19 and 21 and my fiance is also a third generation high school sweetheart, both couples married in their teen years. Not to mention my uncle and his wife were highschool sweethearts, his cousin and her husband, etc. We are both surrounded by great highschool sweetheart relationships. I am just getting sick of people, expecially people I don’t know, acting like they know that his and my relationship is going to fail because we are so young. He is going into Accounting, His dad owns his own firm and he is going to hire my fiance once he starts taking his accounting classes, and one day my fiance might even take over the business. I am going into Hospitality Management. We are both very commited to eachother and we are prepared for this next step. I just wish other people would see it too or at least keep some of their negative comments to themselves.
Then of course, my dad’s mom (I live with my grandparents and my dad and my sister. My mom died when I was 8) is throwing every idea my fiance and I have come up with straight out the window. She thinks we should move our wedding date so that her daughter (My aunt.. who is against the wedding) and her family can be there. Is that normal? She is also trying to control my guest list, got upset when I didn’t want to get married at my church (I want something smaller and more intimate and so does my fiance), tryed to make me feel guilty about my bridesmaids and attendents, is telling me i have to make every one of my cousins something in the wedding (i have 10) and it is just getting on my nerves. I know I am young but I don’t think that is a reason to try to take over my wedding and make me feel guilty for every decision I try to make. My dad just says to ignore it and I am trying to do just that.
On a happier note his mother and his father are being extremely supportive. I just wish i could get the courage up to start calling them something other than Mr. and Mrs. My fiance really wants me to start calling them mom and dad. Which is fine. Mom is just a foriegn word to me, seeing as my mom died when i was 8. Any suggestions on how to make that transition easier?
Could really use some thoughts and encouragement. I know I am doing the right thing by marrying my fiance. There is no doubt in my mind. I just need help with all the negative comments and dealing with difficult family members.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I know JUST how you feel though! We ran into this problem as well. We are high school sweethearts, but well we were in our sophomore year of college by the time we got engaged. We waited until just now (graduated college) to actually get married. That wasn’t all because we wanted to wait though. His parents were freaks about it, but more importantly he has some health issues that we wouldn’t have been able to afford the insurance on so we had to wait until we graduated to actually tie the knot.
But anyway, my family has always been married in their teens as well! His side of the family is another story. They all went to college and his parents married when they were in their 30s. So when we decided to get married, there was a lot of “you’re too young!” “you’re moving too fast!” from his side. I couldn’t have wanted to slap so many people at the same time in my life! lol I just wanted to scream at them after awhile that it was none of their business, it was NOT their lives and that we would live the way we choose to live. Not to mention we had already been dating for 6 years by the time of the engagement. Unfortunately, we still get the “you guys move fast” comment every now and again – but people are just idiots because they fail to realize we have been together (over 7 years now) way longer than most couples are by the time they get married.
Unfortunately, I think it is just one of those things that you’ll have to explain to people over and over again. That’s what I had to do, but of course if you’re more fiesty than I and want to tell them to just mind their own business then all the more power to ya 🙂
I’m slowly making the transition from the Mrs./Mr. His mom made me call her that in high school, so now I just don’t call her anything. I don’t want to call her mom because I truly don’t want to so I’m sticking with first names and if she has issues she’ll just have to deal lol
Post # 4
I know how you feel, I’m 21 and the first of my friends and cousins to get engaged. We haven’t had a family wedding in a long time, so suddenly all my family and friends think its ok to stick their nose in and almost demand we do certain things! People are volunteering themselves to be bridesmaids (awkward seeing I don’t know if I’ll have anyone other than my sister and BFF) Suggesting venues, and menus, and I don’t even want to share my ideas because they shut them down!
I’ve decided I’m going to share as little detail as possible with my guests, I want them to be surprised by things like colours, decor, etc.
Post # 5
I’m sorry to hear this is so stressful. It sounds like you and your fiance have been very intelligent and thoughtful about the whole situation, and it sounds like the two of you are making good decisions for yourself.
It seems that often when it comes to times in life with big transitions, people feel that it’s within their right to add in their opinions and say hey this is how you should do it, and because we’re older and wiser you should be listening to us. (Not always the most helpful, and probably not at all helpful in the way they’re intending to be). I think there are certain cultural expectations about when people are expected to do things, and when there’s diversion from that, there’s a tendency to freak out and be concerned that you’re going to be straying from the “right” path. Ultimately, I’d imagine that all those who are being so overly opinionated are doing their best to look out for what they perceive to be your best interest. And that being said, it’s not their wedding, it’s yours. So you and your fiance do what you think is best for the two of YOU, as it is your day, and you will be the ones with the strong attachments and memories to that day.
Post # 6
I’m so glad your father and your FI’s parents are so supportive. It sounds like you know what you want and you just need to hold to those plans. It’s okay to tell people “We already have a plan” or “Thanks for your input, I’ll keep that in mind.”
I’m sure your wedding will be lovely. Best wishes.
Post # 7
Well, the good news is that I think that family trying to control your wedding is actually fairly normal, regardless of age 🙂
I am very sorry that everyone is giving you so much grief over this though. Just because you are young doesn’t automatically mean that you haven’t thought this through, or your marriage will fail. It sounds like you and your Fiance have good heads on your shoulders, and at least you have some support. Try to take some comfort in the fact that even if you waited a few years, you would still have lots of rude people projecting their opinions onto you.
Best of luck!
Post # 8
Sorry that you are going through this, planning is stressful enough.
But, the fact is that you are going to have to be a bit thicker-skinned if you are getting married young these days 🙂 People are going to raise eyebrows and make comments when they learn you are getting married. This won’t stop after the wedding. This will probably only stop when you look “old enough” to be married.
The best advice I can give is to just brush these people off abd be confident in your decision. But realize that, unfortunately, there will be things that are harder for you guys than for other married couples by virtue of your ages.
As far as your grandmother being controlling about the wedding plans, that can happen at any age. 🙂 Just be nice, but firm.
The Mr. and Mrs. thing is tough. I try to avoid calling my Future In-Laws anything. I’d say either ask them what they’d like to be called or just start calling them mom and dad one day and see how it goes over.
Good luck with everything!
Post # 9
I wasn’t comfortable calling my Future In-Laws “mom” and “dad” either. What I find has helped is calling them “mother (her first name).” This made it much easier for me! A friend of mine does the same thing, except she does “father (his last name).”
Dunno – won’t be for everyone, but you might try it out! Sort of a transition if you want, or you might find (like me) that this works for you!
Good luck dealing with everything!
ETA: When I write it out in english I realize that it doesn’t translate as smoothly! Kinda makes his dad sound like a priest. Anyway, it might work for the mother!
Post # 10
I’m 22, live with my fiance completely independent of my parents and still have problems with control of my wedding. Its just part of getting married I guess (especially if someone else is footing the bill like my dad and step mom). I get the too young thing too even though I have already graduated college and everything which was the stipulation of my parents being behind our wedding…
Its easy to say to just let it roll of you shoulder but it sometimes just can’t be done. You can never imagine how much a good talk can do… Your elders will ALWAYS think they know best though!
Good luck… hope it gets better for ya.
Post # 11
I’m sorry you’re going through this! My Fi and I are both 21 and I’ll be 22 at the wedding. We are the oldest for a number of generations on both sides of our family to be married. Fortunately, everyone has been pretty supportive.
I think it’s important to not let your dad’s mom get you down. Try to stand your ground as much as possible while still being respectful. Explain that, since you want things to be more intimate it’s important to you to have the ceremony elsewhere and this also explains why you may not want to include all of your cousins in what is meant to be a smaller ceremony.
Also try to focus on the support you get from people. Share the fun news with them. I have learned that some people just aren’t ever going to get as excited about the details as you want them to be so I’ve just stopped telling them and focused on the people I know will be excited for us. I hope this helps and congrats! You sound like you’re both very in love!