Young brides…

posted 3 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

I’m 21 and my FH is 23 and we’re getting married in a few months… which feels pretty crazy seeing as we’ve been engaged since 2012. No one says anything, which might have something to do with being from the South, but honestly? Even with a small budget, even if I was a partier, even if a million other things… it’s none of their damn business. I’m getting married at the right time for me. If they have a problem with that, it’s their problem, not mine. 

Post # 4
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@Merinda1994:  Eh, everyone has an opinion on everything. I typically don’t pay any attention to them. Some considered me a young-ish bride at 25, but nobody every questioned my decision. We had been together for 10 years at that point and we were quite ready.

I have seen more people comment on the concern about the potential of growing apart rather than together when you get married young (which is a very real possibility). Fact is, you grow a lot in your 20’s, but then again you will continue to grow throughout your lifetime. Many, many older bees will admit that you change the most during your 20’s though because it’s a more formative phase (in terms of brain development, personality and figuring out who you are). 

I have been with my DH since we were 15 and 17, we are now 25 and 27. We could have gotten married a lot earlier, but we waited until last August. Why? Because we wanted to be emotionally and financially stable. We graduated college 3 1/2 years ago and DH finished his masters a year ago. We both have very stable jobs and we have gone through the relative monotony of the career world (compared to college life) and have seen each other through some pretty trying times. We were never party people, so that wasn’t ever a concern. Looking at where we are now, I am quite happy we waited because it worked well for us. We grew together and will continue to. 

Now, what worked for us, will not work for everyone. I have two friends that got married at 19/20. One couple has grown together (like us) and is doing really well. The other couple, did not fair so well. They are in the process of getting a divorce after a little less than 5 years of marriage. They changed a lot from 20-24 and couldn’t reconcile their difference. 

You obviously cannot know what the future will hold. You will just have to make the best decision you can with the information you have at that time. 

Post # 6
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Pavilion at Rocky Neck State Park

It was mainly in CT that I got some scrutiny. My husband is in the army and so young married couples around our age (20, almost 21) aren’t all that uncommon. I mainly get “you’re too young to be married”. One person I went to high school with called it trashy. I agree that age doesn’t make or break a marriage. My husband and I are happily married and living a comfortable life. If we really wanted advice or people’s opinions we would ask for them.

Post # 7
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I got engaged at 19 (literally weeks away from 20, but still 19). Luckily, neither I nor H encountered a lot of scrutiny. Where we are from, most everyone has a “ring by spring” and if aren’t married in college, get married the spring/summer after graduation.

I think what also eased people off of judging me is that although I am married, I’m in the midst of getting a professional degree. It’s not like I was the 19 year old that had an oopsie pregnancy and married the father because others pressured us it was the “right thing” to do. Marriage hasn’t stopped us from being accomplished young adults.

 

Post # 8
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Im almost 24 and I still get that. 

Post # 9
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I was engaged at 23, and in a major East Coast city that is considered “too young” by a lot of people. I am definitely the first of my friends and have received some comments.

However, FI is a few years older than me and I’ll be 25 when I marry (I still consider that substantially on the young side, though.) It was definitely the right choice for us!

I don’t really get irritated by the comments. I think from the outside of my situation I’d have raised my eyebrows as well, and I try to assume that people just want the best for us.

Post # 10
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

FI and I got engaged when I was 21. No one has said anything about me being too young (FI is a fair bit older) because 1. We have a 2 year old daughter so people know we’re responsible enough to deal with that and 2. I’ve lived away from home/family for nearly 4 years, working hard, starting a business, studying and raising a child on the other side of the World without any mishaps or questions of maturity. Any strangers who I’ve mentioned it too have never said anything because I probably look around mid/late twenties. We live in a pretty stuffy town so I’ve had some filthy looks for having a baby/being pregnant when people have noticed I have no wedding ring, hmm!

Post # 11
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I was in your position at your age without the getting married part so I get your feeling. I was also very mature and people mistook me as older.  If it helps at all,  I’m 30 and I get the “you don’t need that,  it’s too expensive.” comments so it’s not just age but rather a judgement on wedding extravagence. 

Also the things that people are concerned about is generally not ONLY your career, home and financial situation.  Having been pretty darn settled by 19  and still settled at 30 there is a difference between me now and me then.  The main thing is figuring out who I am as an individual.  This came in my mid-20s and with it changed my preferences in relationships and partners.  MOST people change a lot through their 20s and the risk is you change too much to stay together or you never figure out who you are individually.  Getting married young means you’ll have to work of developing as individuals and working even harder to keep those two individuals together as you age.  

I don’t judge you and I know all marriages are difficult – but that’s the unique difference you’ll deal with by marrying now.

Post # 13
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Merinda1994:  That’s great and not a relationship characteristic I saw much back when I was your age (and it doesn’t exisit 100% in my age range at that) so kudos on that. 

Post # 14
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I hear ya. I got engaged at 20, I’m 21 now and everytime someone I don’t know too well finds out I’m engaged the “WOW you’re way too young, good luck’ comes before the “congratulations on your engagement”.

Just learn to ignore them. I think that people try to reference your age to how THEY behaved at your age, because from the sounds of things no one who actually knows you would be making those types of comments.

Post # 15
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Merinda1994:  Maybe it’s a regional thing? Where I’m from teens-early 20’s getting married is practically unheard of. At that age no one has a real career yet and definitely doesn’t have a house. They rent an apartment with roommates at best. Not saying that can’t be the norm for you because whatever works for your lifestyle is just fine. At 28 I was the youngest of my friends to get married.

Post # 16
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Merinda1994:  I’ll be getting married when I am 21, 20 now! I have had people tell me that I need to date a bunch of guys first. To me that seems extremely immature because realistically they are saying “Break up with your FI of over 4 years who you are great with and just have a bunch of meaningless relationships first before you have the right to marry someone else.”

My mother went on a whole spree about how every small cost was just too much for us and criticized that we should both have amazing careers and a house and everything before getting married! It was really ridiculous considering FI works full time and we have a considerable savings for the wedding in place. We have a plan of when we want an apartment, when we want a house and our general financial goals – which are not being hindered by a wedding.

One of my biggest arguments to people is that we’ll have been together for 5 years… I’ve known some older people in town who’ve gotten married within a year of dating as they said they were “old enough to just know” and then divorce before they’ve even been together as long as us because it turns out they didn’t really know eachother first.

People argue that “you’ll both change” and then I retort back that we’ve already both changed since we first started dating and we’ve been able to adapt, we will continue to adapt as we continue to change – it is no reason to not get married in my opinion.

To me it is no one’s business when we decide to get married because we are the ones that have to live with the decision – not them. We have a 10 year plan outlines that we’d both like to stick to, which means we’ll start trying to have kids after 3-5 years of marriage (which puts us at 8-10 years together) and I don’t want to be in a rush to have kids after getting married just because we wanted to wait a little longer. 

I also don’t want to turn into those couples that are together for 10-15 years and still haven’t married because life has happened despite it and they are just comfortable in their lifestyle.

Edit: I also find that vendors take me a little less seriously when they notice how young I am – as if I am just playing house and won’t actually go through with the plans.

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