(Closed) Young brides, how do you combat icky feelings when you hear about divorce?

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m 22 and getting married to someone who is 30. It’s gotten a lot of weird looks and lots of comments about divorce. I simply smile and tell them that divorce is not an option and list all the reasons why we’re perfect for each other!

Post # 4
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Ok my own grandfather told me to go to the court house becuase why waste money on something that won’t last.  The day after I got engaged!!!!  What I do is hold my head high and tell them it’s my choice and they can either support me or not say anything at all.  This is your happy time, don’t let anyone ruin it for you.  People who tell you that are bitter and rude!  ANY WAY congradulations πŸ™‚ and good luck

Post # 5
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@missdream:   I haven’t really had any, but if I do come across a Debbie downer I usually just smile and ignore it. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion… Even if it’s rude or negative. 

If it makes you feel any better, my own best friend jokes around saying “Getting married before the age of 25 is like leaving the party before 10” hahah. Which I joke and say I’ll be 25 within the first year of our marriage, chill out. Lol

Post # 6
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

People are just like that. I’m 29 and FI 31, yet I still get those people who say things like “remember theres a back door in every church” like wth is that suposed to mean? ha. Some people don’t know how to put politely that they hope that you’ve thought this out, thats all.

Post # 7
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My first marriage was when I was 18 and I got more than just comments about how it wouldn’t last.

First of all, I knew people would be dismissive about it because of my age, so we eloped and didn’t tell anyone. Of course, this only solidified most people’s belief that I was too young and immature to get married.

Afterwards, my family and friends were openly hostile about it and refused to be supportive of our marriage. Some people didn’t speak to me for months. The ones who did speak to me only told me what a disappointment I was or that I should hurry and get it anulled. The opposition was such that I actually ended up homeless for a few months because my grandmother, who I lived with previously, refused to let me back in her house.

To complicate matters, my ex-husband was a foreign citizen (living in his own country, mind you- he wasn’t able to return with me to America). Not only did people tell me that he couldn’t possible love me and that he was just marrying me for a green card (Yeah, because an 18 year old with very little income is such a great candidate to sponsor someone for a visa! I wasn’t even eligible to do that.), but my family outright sabotaged our relationship.

After pulling a lot of strings with the embassy, ex-husband was finally granted a visa to visit me for six weeks, a whole year after our wedding. I didn’t know this until my dad told me about it a few years ago, but one day while I was at work, my ex-husband went to see my dad at his office and literally got down on his knees and begged for his support and his blessing. He told my dad how much he loved and couldn’t stand to be apart from me and wouldn’t my dad just please co-sponsor his visa so he could get a job here and be a proper husband to me. And my dad refused.

After ex-husband left to go back to his own country when his visa was up, I never saw him again. My family refused to help me move to his country (his parents were dirt poor, being from a recovering Communist country) or help him move to mine. After a few months, I stopped hearing from him even by email, except very occasionally, and it was clear he had given up. I grew tired of his lack of commitment and we then both moved on with our lives.

However, to this day, almost a decade later, I’m convinced that we would have been able to make a go of it if my family had been more supportive. As a young couple, in that situation, making it work without the support of people close to us was impossible. If we had been able to be together, I think we would probably still be married.

That’s not to say I’m not glad to be marrying the man I am now engaged to or that I don’t feel we were meant to be together. My first marriage failed and because of it, I got something better. But I will still always feel bitter about the way everybody treated me and my marriage and how they purposefully did whatever they could to ruin it.

I have a special place in my heart for young brides who have people telling them their marriages won’t last or say other hurtful things like that. The only people who can know how a couple truly feel about each other and how committed they are is the couple themselves. It’s no one else’s place to make remarks about it.

 

Post # 8
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I got married at 26, not sure if that counts as a young bride. But mostly when people talk about divorce, I make myself feel better by thinking of all the idiots I know who got married πŸ™‚ Think about all the celebrities who get married and last 72 days (cough*kardashian*cough) or 41 days (cough*ochocinco*cough). It’s not just them that do this stupid shit, get married when they shouldn’t for the wrong reasons then get divorced almost immediately. I also know a couple where the guy went over to his now-wife’s house to break up with her and somehow ended up proposing instead?! then she caught him trolling CL for casual sex and still didn’t break up with him. Then they got married. Yep– THAT is going to last. 

Maybe it sounds super bitchy (it prob IS, honestly), but I know or know of so many people who so CLEARLY should not have gotten married that it becomes very obvious to me why the divorce rate is so high. Sure, some people have a good relationship that goes bad and they eventually got divorced. That does happen. But I believe that the majority of people who get divorced ignored big red flags before they got married. And since I (nor my friends) saw any red flags in my marriage before I tied the knot, it makes me feel much better knowing that the chances of me getting divorced are far lower than the national average. 

Post # 9
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t listen to negative people.  =) 

Post # 10
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Those negative thoughts and comments will always be there.  You just need to know in your heart that it is the right relationship for you.  if it comes to divorce, then it does, oh well.  That doesnt mean that it wasnt great while it lasted, and im a firm believer in people being in your lives at a certain time for a reason, maybe it is only meant to last for so long.  Either way, enjoy it while it is happening, dont focus on everyones negativity, be happy for yourself!

Post # 11
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - the oak tree of peover

me and my FI are both 21 – everyone is really happy for us which is amazing and i know i’m lucky, although sometimes i can tell people are probably judging me a bit due to my age but are too polite to say anything! (good old english manners i reckon!)

at the end of the day if someone did say something negetive (FI’s older brothers like to jest) i would treat it how i would treat someone judging my hair, or movie choice, or house decoration – i know it makes happy (and FI!) and ultimately that’s all that matters!

 

Post # 12
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m 23 too… I honestly just ignore it. When people are negative I pretty much just say “well… I guess we will see!” Haha

Post # 13
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Edelweiss:  That’s really sad. πŸ™

OP, I’m 26 almost 27 (will be almost 28 at the wedding) and I STILL get these comments. Mostly from guys at work. One’s been divorced and has no plans to marry his girlfriend, but he also went through a very hard time after the divorce. He was Catholic, moved to a Lutheran church, and then they just weren’t there for him during and after the divorce, when he really needed the support. Another guy yesterday said he’s been engaged to his girlfriend for 9 years (she’s 40, he’s 49), so what are we rushing for? I said we’ve been engaged for 6 months and are getting married in a year, have been together for almost 4 years already, we aren’t rushing into anything.

I DO think that there’s an age that’s too young for marriage, from my own experiences  and relationships up until now, as well as observing other people’s relationships, but I would never say that to anyone unless a) I had a genuine cause for concern, or b) it was brought up to me.

Post # 14
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m 23 and will be getting married next month! I’ve received some comments like that too, but I don’t think those people are trying to be mean spirited or discouraging. I think they’ve simply been hurt and burned by their own personal relationships and are honestly trying to spare us the same pain. However, my fiance and I are very devoted Christians and are blessed by having parents who genuinely love each other and are still married after 20+ years (so we’ve both had healthy marriages modeled for us). We’re not getting married to make ourselves happy…We’re both very satisfied with our lives and are getting married because we feel that we can serve Christ better together than apart (he wants to be a pastor and I want to partner with him in the ministry as his wife). We’re both going through pre-marital counseling and we’ve spent many hours talking with our married friends and parents to get their advice about how to have a healthy marriage. We’re not entering into this lifelong commitment hastily. Rather, we’ve put a lot of thought and prayer in to this, and feel that this is the best decision for our lives right now. Marriage will not be easy, but I’m looking forward to living the rest of my life with my best friend! Hopefully, 50 years from now, I’ll be able to give some other young couple some great marital advice πŸ™‚

I don’t necessarily think that age determines the success of a marriage…I think it’s about personal maturity, selflessness, and a willingness to make the marriage work even when you don’t feel “in love” or “happy”  that helps get a marriage through the tough times. Good luck to you and your fiance!! I’m sure you two will have a great marriage πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was so excited about my wedding that I was telling a guy at work about my plans. He said “but why do that? Just get married at a courthouse for $70. It’s not going to last anyway.” It’s such a rude thing to say. I’m sorry you get those comments. 

I know plenty of people who got married after the age of 30 and got divorced soon after. 

 

Post # 16
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@DanielleFlor: i love your post!

 

but i totally agree. we i will be 21 when i marry and my FI will be 22 and while we have gotten comments like that, we both ignore it. we have worked on our relationship and we will continue to engage in pre-marital counseling when he returns from deployment. we have to focus on our marriage, not divoce (which we do not believe in under ANY circumstances). and its weird because we both come from divorced parents but that helped us believe in love a lot more, and believe in marriage. both of our parents were married over 20 years before they parted ways, so if they can do that, i’m sure we can stay together twice as long if we are happy! 

 

don’t worry about what others say. older people get married and divorce, so do young people, WHATEVER! 

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