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I love lurking on this site so I thought I would post and ask something I've been wondering about for a while. Specifically, I am baffled by young brides marrying men they just met and wondering why someone would want to do this.
Young brides marrying high school sweethearts or long term boyfriends? Yes. But feeling the need to marry someone they met only a few months ago? I just don't get it. I'm young myself (just turned 22), and I knew just a couple of months into my relationship with FI that we would get married. But how does "He's the one" turn into "Must. Marry. Now"? Logically, you have your whole life to be married, so why not enjoy a couple years of dating first? What's the rush?
Just a question - shouldn't this also apply to older brides as well? I think rushing into marriage could be a scary prospect for anyone, no matter their age. Have you noticed this more with younger brides?
I wonder this as well too. My cousin who is only a few years older than me (and I'm 22) married a guy she only knew for 6 months by the time the wedding happened. She said that they had so much in common and she just knew they were perfect for each other so they just went for it. Now a few months after the marriage, and after they bought a house together, a lot of stuff is coming out of the woodwork; and not good stuff. Like the fact that he has real serious anger issues and can be abusive.
If she had just waited a few more months, I feel like maybe she would have seen more of his true colors before they plunged into a marriage that she's not happy in anymore. And they haven't even been married a year yet.
Now I'm not saying that I think everyone should be together longer before they get married just in case their potential husband might be abusive. I just personally think it takes longer than a few months to get to know a person for who they really are.
Just my two cents.
I'm definitely a young-ish bride (22, FI is 23) but we've been together since high school. So we're one of those couples that people were complaining we weren't engaged yet. I had to remind them that at the time I was only 20, or whatever. I didn't want to get married THAT young, even if we did know it would happen eventually.
@ LittleLynx
I agree with you, it doesn't necessarily have much to do with age.
@LittleLynx - I can see how someone who's been through a lot of relationships/dating could be impatient to settle down as soon as she knows she's found the right guy. So at least for older brides there's a reason to want to get married right away. But I just don't see any logical reason for a younger woman to do it.
I actually see more older brides rushing into marriage than young brides - but I personally think that everyone should wait a while before marriage!
I feel the first couple of months really are a "honeymoon" period and you really don't get to know everything about a person until a couple years into the relationship. Not that I am saying these marriages don't work because I know some that have but they go through a lot of growing pains while getting to know one another and in my opinion it's just a little backwards!
i see what you mean. i'm a young bride but i've dated my fiance for over 3 years. i don't mean to be a hypocrite, but dating someone for a couple months and getting married is crazy. my fiance's sister in-law proposed to his brother after weeks. wow. they got married 5 months later and are on their way to divorce. (she cheated on him and stole $ from his account).
I don't understand it either. I have a friend who met a guy, was engaged within 4 months and then married a year after they met. He was then deployed to Iraq and while he was gone, she decided that she didn't want to be with him anymore and they were divorced within 6 months.
I, on the other hand, have been with my husband for about 6 years. We were engaged for 3 years before getting married this summer. She is one month younger than I am (22) so it wasn't a big age difference between us.
I'm 19 and I'd like to get engaged after graduation and once I'm settled in my career. I'll be graduating in May with my Bachelor's degree in accounting. I was able to earn my Associate's two months after graduating high school. Accelerating my college education was the right decision for me and it made me more mature (imho) than many 19 year olds. My boyfriend is 29 and we're living together in a house that he bought (I contribute, but it's not half and half). I want to get married around 21 but with a long engagement. For me, 19 has been more like 22 or 23 as far as life experiences go. Age is really just a number. I want to get married so young because I know I want to spend my life with him. I love him with all my heart and I'm eager to make it not only legal, but also in front of God, our family, and our friends.
I think some "older" brides move faster towards the altar because of the biological clock and wanting a little time as husband and wife before starting a family. I'm nearly 35 and we've been dating for two years and I know our families and friends have been waiting anxiously for the last six months for us to get engaged. all thw eddings i have gone to in the last three years have been of couples that dated a year or less before getting engaged. I think the other part of it is for older brides that you're further along in your career, life, whatever and so you can pretty quickly figure out whether someone's goals/priorities align with yours fairly quickly as opposed to waiting to finish important milestones (like graduating, grad school, etc).
My FI and I got engaged on our second anniversary of going out and will get married when we've been together nearly 3.5 years. I'm 31 -- and a decade ago, I would have wanted to wait much longer before getting married. I think I know what works and what doesn't much better now than I did even five years ago -- life experience and knowing my own priorities and values much better has really helped.
I think it's incredibly judgmental to qualify a person's relationship based on their age or the length of the dating relationship. Every relationship and person is so different; just because a young woman wants to get married, doesn't mean she's making a stupid decision, feels obsessively driven to do it regardless of the quality of the relationship, or is dragging her man down the aisle!
My grandparents were engaged after four months, when he was 22, and were married until his death a few years ago. The night he met my grandmother, he wrote to his father and told him he met the woman he was going to marry. And that was that.
In my situation: my SO is eight years older, with a place of his own and a great career. Next spring I'm graduating with my BA and get to start my career. He happened to come into my life exactly when I needed him most, and at just the right time for us to start our life together without throwing life plans off course.
I'm 21. Does that make me young? Yes. Does that make me stupid? No.
So why don't we lay off the ageism and look at individual couples rather than demographics.
I agree with the point that a lot of the rush for me was that I wanted to make it official. It meant I was comfortable to buy a house for our family since I knew he was serious about getting married. I wasn't going to buy a house with my boyfriend or combine bank accounts. By getting engaged/married, it allowed us to do this and to begin to save together for things like our kids, etc.
My parents were married for 5 years before they tried to have children, same with his parents. It allows you as a couple to get established, enjoy each other etc. I really wanted to do the same thing. We will get married right before I turn 25 and he will almost be 27. I think that allows for us to have a couple years to establish our marriage and then think about having kids while we are still relatively young.
Hmm, I think everyone has a different "gut" belief and it's pretty silly to assign your own beliefs and motivations to someone else.
For example I think dating less than about a year means you probably don't really know each other well. On the other hand I think if you don't know whether or not you want to marry someone after two years or so then you'll never know and your decision will really be based on if you want and are ready for marriage and not your particular feelings for that particular person. I don't see how someone's feelings for a person changes drastically after that much time.
But other people disagree with me! So I don't go around saying condescending and hurtful things.
I mean, lots of people date by seeing each other once a week on their best behaivor while others see each other every day, talk about everything and live together. One is going to be a lot more accelerated in the getting to know you phase. Also, ten years is often not enough time to really know everthing about a person. That's part of the fun and the risk of loving another human being, they are forever surprising.
The heart wants what it wants. People make the commitment based on what they feel and what they know and the knowledge is never perfect.
I'm not particularly young (25) and I was with my FI for about 2.5 years before he proposed so we don't fit into your question really... but I thought I'd offer my opinion anyways.
I was with my ex for 5 years and for the first 4.5 I was SURE that he was "the one" and we'd be happy together forever... then he changed. Just like that. So I don't think that knowing someone a long time means that you will live happily ever after and thank God that I didn't marry him! So if someone you've known forever can break your heart.... being with someone you met more recently doesn't seem that much more risky. :)
I personally know lots of people 'rushing to the altar'. There's a big social stigma that you *should* be married and if you aren't, you're missing out on a big part of your life, no matter what age you are. And a lot of them are very strict Christians and their arguments are different. For some of them, it's the only way they grow up and move out of their parents house and on with their lives, so they marry quickly. It's part of their culture. To me, people change and are good at hiding who they "really are". Hindsight is always 20/20 unfortunately. Women are far more headstrong than our grandparents used to be and divorce is more socially acceptable. Plus, women tend to keep their jobs and typically have more college education than our grandmas. There's a lot more going on in THIS social times than there ever were before.
I dont' think you can ever "really know" somebody in a few months. There is just too much depth to a person and their family life, their personal struggles, their baggage, etc.
But that's not to say there aren't more spontaneous people out there that make it work. I have friends whose parents dated for 3 months then eloped and they're all perfectly happy. Sometimes you luck out and find "the one" very quickly. Sometimes you don't though and I think that's the majority of situations.
I NEVER in a million years saw myself married at 23. I figured i'd be in my 30's. I wasn't rushing to get married, it just fell into place this way. I always think this was the best for me. Sometimes you get what you want when you never really intended for it to happen in the first place =]
My question isn't so much why get married young, since I'm a young bride too, but why get married young to someone you've just met.
I'm definitely not saying that 4-month or 8-month-long relationships are somehow less valid than longer ones or won't last. Rather, even if you know he's the one and you'll be together forever, why the need to make it official right away? What are you missing out on by just dating for a while? If you're young, would a year or two really make a difference in creating a solid foundation for your family and future children?
@ejs4y8
Totally agree with you. You can make it work even with a short engagement period. But since there's a high chance of not working out, I was wondering why take the risk. I think societal pressure from conservative families to get married and a desire to assert independence and get out of the parents' house is often the reason, as you point out. I just think that's not the greatest reason to make a decision like marriage.
I think that every relationship is different. If a young girl feels like she is ready to get married then I say go for it. It doesnt really have anything to do with age I think it depends on maturity level. If they know the ramifications of what it is to get married and how they need to work to make a marriage work sometimes then more power to her!
...I will not encourage my own daughters to marry quickly and young. I will do everything I can to ensure she goes to college, graduates first, and knows the guy really really well. I'd rather know it all, and THEN make the decision, than make the decision to marry someone without knowing every single corner, crevice, and nook and cranny about them. I will teach my daughters to be the same way. And my sons!
I'm 32 and could not in a million years imagine being married at 22 and i had a boyfriend who I loved very very very VERY much. I think we talked about marriage, we lived together ... I actually just found out he got married two years ago and new wife is preggers. WEIRD!!!!
Well I suppose I am one of these girls.
My FI is 20 & I am 21.
There isn't really a way to explain it. Like many of you have said, sometimes you just know. Everyone is different. I've known my FI for about 2 years but we were both, at the time, were in long-term relationships. We started dating around January of this year and knew within a few months that we wanted to be together forever. In August he proposed and I've truly have never been happier. We have had some rough times, but they have tested us and we have made it through stronger than ever. I believe, in our case, going to college has made a difference. It is a learning and growing experience for everyone and has taught both of us what we want out of our lives. I feel that our maturity levels are higher than most our age. We both have secure jobs and are only a year away for having our degrees. We both have similar future goals and are very family oriented. Of course, knowing we did get engaged fairly soon, we are opting for a long engagement. We both want to be out of school and comfortable with our careers. I get ragged a lot about how soon we got engaged, but all that really matters is how I feel and being confident in the decision I made.
I wouldn't change a thing. :)
Honestly, I think your question could have been worded more precisely and carefully- it comes across as harsh and EXTREMELY judgemental. We have brides of all ages, stages of relationships and engagement timelines! And they all add so much perspective and help for the hive!
One of my best friends is 25 (still young), starting dating the guy in May and is getting married December 6th. She's a PhD psychology student, works part time, has a TON of friends and an ENORMOUS supportive family. She's a completely well-rounded, stable individual who happened to meet someone that she absolutely clicked with. He also happens to be military at a base about 1.5 hours away and is moving clear across the country in January, and then deployed in June. There simply was no time for a wedding in between then, and it's so right for them. She comes from a military family, understands the trials of it all (her brothers are all deployed at some point or another) and the benefits of them being married far outweigh being single. They're doing pre-marital counseling and know what they're getting into. I find it INCREDIBLY rude that so many of our co-workers ask me if she's pregnant and/ or express skepticism that they're getting married so soon. ALl relationships are different and to judge quality by quantity of time being together is completely not okay. Some people are NEVER okay for eachother and stay together for years before getting married because 'breaking up is too HARD'.
@KMSull People ask me if I got engaged because I'm pregnant! DRIVES ME CRAZYYY!
I'm a young bride too. I'm 23 and FH is 22. I think we always knew we were going to get married. As he told our priest at the last meeting, "Getting married was a life goal of mine." Haha. Actually, before I met the FH, I was pretty sure I wasn't getting married until I was 30 something. So it seems like a big turnaround. But we're in love, we work well together, and love making each other laugh. Why not get all the tax benefits out of that relationship too? Haha... Also one of my dreams since I was a little girl was to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. Both sets of my grandparents got married on the same day of the same year (randomly, they didn't know each other), but only one set got to have a 50th wedding anniversary. So, I guess we're on track to have a 50th wedding anniversary when we're 73 and 72!
Can I just say that I am so glad this was not another "why not wait?" post? R and I fall into the high school sweetheart category (literally, we began dating the summer before our freshman year.) so we've been dating for 5 1/2 years and won't be getting married for another 2 1/2 years. But we'll both be 22 when we get married, so we get asked "why not wait?" by so many people who think that tacking another four or five years onto that wouldn't matter... but to us of course, it does.
Honestly, for some people, I think they just feel a connection. I know I was always skeptical of stories like that because I was so young when I got into my relationship with R that of course we were not ready for marriage. But if you read some of the Bees first meeting stories, they said they knew right away. Every couple is different, I guess!
for me, i knew it was right. my parents don't approve of us living together, etc before marriage (we already are), but once I know he was the one, i wanted to start our life together ASAP! also..he's deploying shortly after the wedding, and i want to be married before he leaves. just my two cents :)
My opinion- I feel like if a couple , no matter what age, no matter how short or long they have been together.. if they feel like they want to get married go for it! Do what you both want! I feel like no matter what your situation people are ALWAYS going to judge you. Who cares what other people think?
And how people say "You have your WHOLE life to get married", I disagree.. "You dont know how long your going to live..So why not go for it!!
FI and I are going to celebrate our one-year dating annversary on Sunday, and we get married in 43 days. An outsider might look at that as rushing into it, but what it comes down to is this: when it's right, it's right.
I am 24 and he is 26 and we have both had our fair share of experiences with other people and relationships, and it has been clear almost since day one that this time it is different. This time it is right. If we were younger or more settled we might have chosen to date longer, but life circumstances just don't allow for that.
With FI finishing grad school and potentially leaving the state or even the country, we had to have some serious conversations early on. That said, neither one of us is entering into this lightly. We are Christians and we are committed to staying married even if it's not always easy. We will not consider getting divorced.
Who is to say how long is long enough? My parents met and were married within 6 months, and over 20 years later they are the happiest couple I know.
@KMSkull - Thank you for that post! My FI and I weren't together for very long before becoming engaged and it drives me up a wall when people act as though our wedding, relationship, etc. aren't "real" or doomed to certain failure.
While I wouldn't consider myself a young bride (I'm 27; FI is 31), I am one of those people who got engaged after dating a few months and I have to say that some of these posts have been a little judgy. If I've learned one thing about relationships it is that nobody else knows or can judge what somebody's relationship is truly like. MY FI knew I would be the woman he married the night he met me - and told my MOH as much as I met him when I was with her. From the night we met, we pretty much spent every available hour with each other, moved in together, etc. We shared things about ourselves with each other that we have never shared with anyone. I know him and he knows me - through and through. I have enough life and relationship experiences to know what is right for my life and what isn't and it is very presumptuous for anyone to judge my choices.
@Kittyachi - I wasn't trying to say anything to the contrary! I was just trying to explain that I used to be more judgmental about short relationships because I couldn't imagine it, but that is because of my individual circumstances.... and that every couple is different. I think that too often people's thought processes run "that isn't how my relationship was, so it couldn't be" which is totally unfair. Sorry if I said anything to sound judgy though!
@lilyfaith - No worries. Everyone has a different perspective and one of the things I love about WB is hearing those perspectives, for better or worse. Just had to throw my two cents in - it definitely wasn't aimed at you specifically. I've gotten this from a few people in my life and it's just a touchy subject for me.
Okay, just making sure. I had just been thinking about how I should have clarified my response when I saw your post, and I hate making anyone feel judged.
I met my FI at age 19 and I knew after our first date that we would be getting married one day. But we waited. We dated, lived together, and didn't get engaged until I was 24. We have essentially lived the past five years as a married couple without actually getting married. I think by waiting this long before getting married we have shown that we are compatible and can make it through tough times (college, recessions, job searches) and still come out happy and glad to be together.
My husband and I were engaged after a month and married six months later. We were both 22 when we married. I have to admit that it surprised me too, but we had connected in a way that I had never connected with anyone before. I found myself telling my husband things that I was ashamed to tell my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with for 4 years. I didn't feel judged when I told him what I considered my darkest secrets. I come from a conservative Christian family, so I had never felt completely open with anyone before.
Also, when were were dating, we spent nearly every day together, so we got to know each other pretty fast.
Early on, we went through a lot of hard times. I'm not going to get into what exactly, but they were things that most (not all) don't go through so early in a relationship. We both knew that if we could get through all that, we could get through marriage for the first few months without all the luxuries. Besides, we talked and decided to move to my husband's town, and it was just easier to get married, move up there, and start trying to shape our lives.
I think it's as simple as when you know, you know. If you know you're with the right one, what's the point of waiting? I agree that if I had married at 21, I would have married the wrong guy, but when I met my FI at 23 I knew after 2 months he was The One. I would have said yes right then and there if he would have asked. Everyone has her own journey and pace, and no one way is correct for anyone.
I don't feel like GirlWithARing was in any way being judgemental, or was looking for that with the tone of her question. I would tend to agree and have the same question - it's only been a few months, and if it's the rest of your life together, why not wait? Not you SHOULD wait, but why not wait. My FH and i had the conversation very quickly, and i even picked out a few rings online, but then we cooled it a little bit with that talk, while keeping the pace of the rest of the relationship at that level. That was 2005, and we're marrying next month. Couldn't be happier.
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