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@MsPanda: I try to remember that not all act the same, so I try to put "most" in front of statements like that. I would say, MOST young moms don't take care of their kids primarily, and too many don't at all. Kudos to you and your FI for taking care of yours
Agreed! Just like not all "older" moms (late 20s/30s/40s) are good moms. It's a job, and some people excel and some people struggle and some people don't care and some people are lucky and some aren't. It's all stereotypes. Unfortunately, it's a stereotype because, in a lot of cases, these are kids taking care of babies, and don't know how. From what you said, you proved the stereotype wrong, and brava for that!
(older in quotes! Not calling anyone old -- differentiating from the young mom -- i.e., under 20 -- comment!)
@MsPanda: I totally agree I was 18 when I got pregnant with my son now I am 22 with 3 more kids that DH and I adopted. Not all young woman are bad moms and I know a bunch (including mine) of moms that are older and are terrible mothers.
Thanks guys after I posted this I had a mini freakout that this could be taken the wrong way and cause drama...
But I promise that is not what I am trying to do. Just opening a few eyes I am 22 and have a 4 1/2 year old (that 1/2 is very important to her. AND I have a 2 year old. Who I love and take care of everyday!
I would hate for my children to think they would have gotten a better mother if I didnt have them so young.
Obviously not all teen parents are crappy but I believe that a good chunk of them are, atleast from my experience. I've seen 14-17 year olds have kids and then continue to carry on with their lives as if their offspring doesn't exist. The kids somehow become the responsibility of the teens parents and the teens get their lives back. I've seen this happen more than once and it doesn't sit well with me. Then again, it's not my life and their mistakes don't affect me at all.
@MsPanda: It's great that you and your FI have taken responsibility for your child but sadly not a lot of teen parents do. There will be poor excuses for parents in every age bracket but there's no denying that teen parents will outweigh those in other categories. Most teens are not equipped to handle the responsibility that comes along with reproducing and they end up failing miserably. If you're an exception then great, fellow teen parents could learn a thing or two from you.
@MsPanda: I can attest to this too! Not just with myself & my son, but with a young girl that was part of our home for women program a couple of years ago. Yay, she had help to get herself in a better place (she had lived alot of abuse & heartache for only 16) BUT she on her own took care of her son & seriously she is one of the most admirable moms I've ever met!!! 17 y/o in her 3rd semester of college, raising her son in a life she herself didn't even think existed a few years ago. Not just a good mom, but a girl that literally changed to course of generations in her family!
My ex-husbands mom was an older mom & ALL 3 of her children have grown up to be useless to society. smh
Being a good mom is a choice of selflessness & sacrifice... Something someone can decide or reject regardless of age (just like having a good marriage)
@amnystik: Being a good mom is a choice of selflessness & sacrifice... Something someone can decide or reject regardless of age (just like having a good marriage)
I think you summed it up perfectly. There are some fantastic moms at 16, and there are some terrible moms at 34. It's a choice to be a good mom (generally, there are of course things out of mom's control sometimes) and it's a sacrifice you need to be willing to make. Age is nothing but a number, motherhood is a mindset.
You are right. But you can thank MTV for highlighting the stereotype.
I had my son when I was 21 (and I looked- sometimes still do like I am 16). My ex-husband (not that it matters, but we were married before my son was conceived) was in the military and we were stationed across the country in WA. I don't know if ya'll are familiar or not but in the summer in WA, the sun is out til past 10PM. I needed to get some stuff at the food store, which was rght around the corner. Ex-H was in the field for a few weeks and my son was about 3 weeks old. It was about 9PM when I went to Safeway. There was a woman on line behind me who, 1) Said I gave up my childhood by choosing to be a teen mom (I was 21 remember) and 2) I was unfit because I had my son out of the house so young and so late. With that, I (as cordially as I could) tell this biyotch, I was NOT a teenager, I was MARRIED and my ex-H was in the military and not home so I HAD to take my NEWBORN who SLEEPS ALL DAY AND NIGHT out so I could get some food to EAT. I proceeded to ask her if she was going to call the "Baby" police. She backed off, and the woman behind her told her she was an ass. Moral of this ramble, people are ignorant and obnoxious. You know the type of parent you are so don't let other peoples stupidity bother you!
@UpstateCait: Its funny because I joined a few teen mom support groups when I found out I was pregnant (required by my school) and out of the 10 of us girls who were in the group only 1 is the kind that just goes off and makes her parents take care of her child. I guess it also depends on the area.
@amnystik: I love that you shared her story! It is not easy but I have to say all of the hard work is worth it :)
@DDG84: Some people can be so stupid. I have had similar experences some people just dont know how to keep their mouths shut.
Yes I hate the stereotype! I was not/am not a teen mom. I did have my son unplanned, and was pregnant at 20. For me the transition was easy, because I had my party years, and knew I wasn't missing out on much. Plus I had been out on my own since I was 15.I think thats what makes it harder for teen moms, is they haven't had much experience with life. For you, I say congrats, I think it would have been tough. But I don't think it is impossible. And the stereotype really irks me.I know this one girl who got pregnant at 16, and at 21 owned her own house, worked full time, and her son was so well behaved. I saw her mothering in action, and she was a great mom.
I see alot of older moms out there ignoring their children, and screaming at them all the time. So it just goes to show that there are bad parents of all ages. When an older mom has a babysitter to go out partying on the weekends its fine, she needs her "me" time. When a teen mom does it, shes irresponsible. Sheesh.
@Cash000: "When an older mom has a babysitter to go out partying on the weekends its fine, she needs her "me" time. When a teen mom does it, shes irresponsible. Sheesh."
This is so true! I do not go out very often but when I do people make me seem like I do it every weekend. And I feel like really this is only the 2nd time I have gone out in 6 months... But yet I know older parents who go out A LOT more than I do and dont get any of the shit i get...
I think that the term "bad mom" to describe "most" teen moms is not accurate. While most are not financially equipped to care for a child there are a good number of us who had children young that were good moms to our kids in every other way possible including financially sometimes. the money is only one part of it. I had my son when i was 20. 3 months before my 21st birthday. I did get food stamps and WIC for the first year of his life but I had also worked since i was 15 consistantly and have worked consistantly since he was a year old. I did not make that a lifestyle to take from the government nor did I depend on that help always being there. I used it as it should be used, as a last resort. It was humiliating and for sure not ideal but it was necessary. His father and I worked really hard in that first year to makea good stable home for him and he has never had anything but a loving solid home life. I may have been young but I did a lot of things that I see some older moms not doing. You do not have to be a certain age to have a child and then continue on living your life as if that child did not exist. I have seen women in their 30's and 40's do that very thing. My mom was a teen mom and she did a great job with me as a child. She was in high school and still did all the extra things with me like mom and tot classes and as I got older every sport and activity one could possibly want to do, as well as the necessary things like doctors visits and everyday care, school conferences etc. It was not anyone else that was my primary care giver. I have examples all around me of young (even if they arent exactly teen) moms that do a damn good job. I tend to not generalize very much because I feel like for every bad seed there is a good one, even if i am only seeing the bad or vice versa.
Ugh, yes! I really have to bite my tongue when I see words like "unfit teen mother" being thrown around, not because of the person's actions, but the person's age.
How old are we talking about here? If you are having kids on someone else's dime, you aren't taking care of them. Someone else is. Taking care of children does not only include kissing them, cleaning them, and playing with them. How can a 14 or 15 year old financially support their child? Or emotionally support their child when they are children themselves? They can't, and it isn't an insult- 8th graders are not fully developed physically or emotionally. They are little kids. Yes, there are exceptions to the story but I'm pretty sure for the most part most of the responsibility is on the grandparents. Being able to love a baby and being able to take care of a baby are two different things. Don't confuse them.
EDT-I'm not necessarily responding to the OP but just to the generalization of "a teen mom is not able to care for her child" which is different than being a bad mom.
Ugh, this irritates me so much...I know someone who had her daughter at 16 and she is the most wonderful mother I've ever seen. She has had to sacrifice a lot to be there for her daughter, and really put her life and dreams on hold. However, I have never once heard her complain, because she just loves her daughter, and knows what it means to be a good mother.
Teen Mom certainly doesn't help, because a lot of those girls are totally irresponsible morons, and I can see how it would be so frustrating to see that as a young mom!
I have a good amount of young mothers in my life.
Three of my friends got pregnant in high school, all three were kicked out of their parents homes. All three graduated and fully supported their children on their OWN dime.
We went through a recent "baby boom" at my job. Everyone who was pregnant was 18-24. Every single one is a WONDERFUL mother who fully supports their child.
How about we throw all of the stereotypes out the window, yeah?
@flamingred: Here at 15 you can get a work permit! so a 15 year old could support their child...
@flamingred: I disagree. I raised (except financially) my baby brother for three years starting at the age of 14. The connection between the two of us was unstoppable. He always called me mommy though I did try to correct him. I feel like I lost a child when his father decided to move to FL with him. It's such a longer story than this, but point being is that I was emotionally and physically able to care for him. When I did get older and worked, I spent my money on him, but it obviously wasn't enough to fully financially support him.
@MissPumpkinPie: agree! There are alot of moms that can financially care for their child but that's as far as their mothering goes & them being "good parents" is out the window. I've never been one to think money or lack there of defines the character and ability of someone to parent and parent well.
I've needed help financially in the past, but that didn't define or effect my ability to grow a good, strong, solid character in my son... Something that many of his friends, well off or not, lack.
@UpstateCait: This. My mother gets teen mothers who merely pump out babies to get child support benefits, and lump the children with THEIR mothers. They like the title of 'mother' but most do not accept the responsibility that comes with it.
Having said that, there are girls in India who are 15,16,17 and whatnot who have one or two kids. And who looks after their kids amazingly. My grandmother had my uncle when she was 15 or 16 I think. It's fairly common in the villages.
Now I'm not saying ONLY the teen mothers in Indian villages are good, and that ALL teen mothers in Western countries are bad. You get exceptions to every case. But most teen mothers do dump their kids with their parents and wander off. Not all, MOST. And then you get the wonderful few who prove people wrong and genuinely give a damn about their kids. I salute them, for being the minority who 'break the mould'.
@NehaPrasad92: I am not sure what your mom does, but I would guess that probably only exposes her to those stereotypical "teen moms".
I also get sick of hearing people complain about young moms. I was 17 when I had my daughter. Paid for her diapers, formul, put her to bed each night. And you know what, she is probably more well behaved then most of her classmates (and I know this because I chaperone fieldtrips and volunteer in her class).
I worked my butt off taking night classes during high school so I could get into nursing school right away (they have 2 year waiting list in my area, and graduated from nursing school top of my class. I might have been young, but I have always worked hard to provide for my daughter and she has never gone without.
People can be good or crappy parents regardless of their age.
These stereotypes infuriate me. A parent can be unprepared, unfit, unable or unwilling to take care of their kids at any age.
I had my daughter at 17, halfway through my senior year in high school. With the support of my parents and my teachers, I graduated at the top of my class. I went straight into university full-time, worked part-time to support my child (because I paid for everything for her), and took care of my daughter. My child is now 8 years old, I'm halfway through my PhD, and we're both happy, well-adjusted and doing well. A lot of people told me I couldn't do it, but last time I checked, I've done well for myself AND for my daughter. I've accepted help when it's been offered, but I have been the one responsible for my child in every way from day 1. She's a smart and happy child, with beautiful manners (which I was just so annoyed flattered when one of her friends' mother's thought it was okay to tell me that she had never seen a teen mom with such a well-behaved child before... major eye roll). It wasn't planned, I wouldn't suggest it to anyone, but people who are willing to make the sacrifices and work like crazy to be good parents can do it, regardless of age.
@MsPanda: Oh, how silly of me. The solution is a work permit! belch.
And what job will a 15 year old with no experience get to support their kid? Because $6 an hour job bagging groceries, will not cut rent, health insurance, daycare, food, a car payment -unless they walk to work, utilities, and all of the other baby necessities. But maybe 15 year olds are getting jobs that start at 30K once they drop out of high school to work full time to financially support their children with the work permit! I must not be with the times.
Children who have children need the emotional and financial support of adults. That is what I am saying.Most are not 100% able take of their children, and that is what I think people mean when they say "can't take care of" their kids. And yes, I know that 30 year olds don't take care of their children-but they go into the "bad mom" category. By 30 you should figure it out.
@amnystik: "Being a good mom is a choice of selflessness & sacrifice... Something someone can decide or reject regardless of age (just like having a good marriage)"
You said it perfectly. There are crappy mother's of ALL ages. I knew 3 girls my age that had children in high school and they're FANTASTIC parents.
@flamingred: This might be a tangent, but no one absolutely needs to drop out of school and work full time to make 30K a year. Thats a big assumption. I do it working part time while im in school full time and I only work about 25 hours a week.
But maybe its not a tangent since we have employed teen moms in the past.
@NehaPrasad92: Honestly, the only teen moms I've seen that dumped their kids on their parents are on TV.
I probably wouldn't say that all teen moms are bad moms (again, the show doesn't help), but I categorically don't believe that teen pregnancy should be celebrated at all.
That being said, someone will always find something to criticize any mom on - formula, cloth diapers, relationship status, being too old, where they live, etc.
@flamingred: Really? I posted this trying to say dont judge teen moms you dont know them all and you are posting that? I would just like to say at 15 I had a job paying 8 dollars a hour (7 years ago) and worked 20 hours a week and I am not saying that 160 a week would be enough to take care of a child but if both parents are working and they watch spending it can be done...
@MsPanda: not that I want to jump into this discussion but I think FLMRED meant IF they are not financially supporting the baby...doesnt mean ALL teens.
Also: if baby & child are living with the teens mother no rent paid...then yeah, that teen isnt finanically supporting the child.
Again though--there are sooo many diff situations and factors and i'm not getting into it because it's no one's "place" to judge a mother's care...regardless of age or anything else. All stereotypes are lame and none should be used to begin with;/
This is so true, and it breaks my heart to see statements like this. I saw a woman on a show the other day, and she was saying anyone younger than 27/28 would make terrible parents. Her argument is that she (at 40+) is more mature and stable and has better finances. And I get that those can be good, valuable things for a kid to grow up with. But that doesn't mean kids with young parents are doomed. Plenty of people have kids younger, and they, too, have valuable things to offer their children, and their kids can grow up living happy, fulfilled lives.
There is this really fascinating book called The Girls Who Went Away. It's all about young women being sent away when they would get pregnant and being essentially forced to give up their babies for adoption. It's heartbreaking and really makes you realize how valuable keeping a mother and child together can be. Too often, we assume that a teen mother should give up her baby, and while that's the right choice for some, it's certainly not the right choice for all, and we should by no means be advocating that as the only or even the best option. Keeping parents and children together is inherently valuable.
On the "financial" aspect of it I guess my thing is people sometimes go through things they don't expect regardless of age.
People in their 30's getting laid off, some even having degrees & are still working minimun wage jobs, injury happens, and yes sometimes couples even have to move in with a parent for a period to save & get back on their feet....
None of this means these people are "bad" parents or they can't "care" for their children appropriately.. and really that has so little to do with a parents ability it's almost ridiculous to point it out.
Some of the best parents out there have been those that were strapped and even had to get help supporting their kids..... they instead focused on character & heart building rather than how often can I take my kids to Mcdonalds for lunch and how many toys can I get them?.
Like @TurtleDoves said though.. stereotypes really should be thrown out the window b/c you really don't know someone's story just by looking at them or assuming they're like "everyone else" Even though I've personally known more good young moms than I have older moms. *shrugs shoulders*
Not a teen mom but having been a teenager not that long ago and working crappy minimum wage jobs, it isn't just teenagers that do it. LOTS of "adults" work in minimum wage jobs, who have families and children and support them. It is totally dependant on the person them self, while yes, age does have something to do with maturity, I know lots of really immature 30 year olds, and some seriously responsible 18-20 year olds.
For example, I have a friend who got knocked up unintentionally by different guys at 16, 18 and 20 (yeah... think she might have learned the first time but different point) And she is a wonderful mom, worked incredible hard to graduate and works a job, WITHOUT the help of 2/3 dads rasing her kids, who are all pretty great. I also have friends (well, loose term) in their late 20's, degrees, upper level degrees, incredible jobs, with the brattiest, most poorly behaved kids ever. It has to do with how the mom reacts, not just her age.
@MsPanda: i could not have said it better myself. i had my son 2 months after i turned 20 so not exactly a teen but still getting lumped into that cagagory. really the only mothers who i see as unfit are on that stupid tv show.
@flamingred: so by what your saying is that if a 30 year old is not able to provide for her child then she is just a "bad mom"?when my son was born we were living with FI's parents and not paying rent so did that make us unfit parents? nevermind that we both were working and paying back bills to get back on our feet. nevermind that we provided for our son. gifts were just that. gifts - blessings but no way depended on. I have worked since the day i turned 15 at a job paying minumum wage so does that make me unfit mother because i make less than 30k a year. let me tell you that i have worked my ass off providing for my son since he was born and before that I had to be the parent to my emotionally unstable parent for as long as i can remember and work under that table jobs to support her.
it is a relativly recent thing where it is not common for women to be having children at young ages. im not condoning it by any stretch of the imagination but its the truth. in most second world and third world contries this is still largely the case.
@flameingred so all of the waitresses that make less than minimum wage ( and on a slow day will walk out with 10 dollars in tips) don't make enough money to be good parents? What about all the people who work temp jobs to make ends meet?
I look at it this way, it takes more than age and money to be a good parent. If a young mom does right by her kid ( I know a few that have I go to school with a girl, she is getting her masters has a 5 year old, daddy is a deadbeat, and momma said bye I need to do right by me and my daughter, and her little girl is the sweetest most well adjusted child I have met. I admire her because I could not do it. baby is always put first and guess what she works and pays for all of her kids needs and she has her own place!
I think this is a good point and earlier today I commented on another thread asking about the "unfit" mom's age. I noted that I assumed she was young because of her behavior. I bring this up here because, I just wanted to point out that I was not asking because of age generalizations but rather because I was trying to understand where she was coming from. Age sometimes effects the willingness to accept parenthood. I do think there is a relationship but I totally agree that young moms can be excellent parents.
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I hate that all over people are saying that young moms can not care for their children. I am writing this post to try to open a few peoples eyes.
Yes some teen moms do not take care of their children. BUT I hate getting lumped in with that group.
I was a teen mom But Me and Fi took care of our child. I didnt get help with babysitting, My parents didnt pay for anything (well other than gifts like a outfit here and there)
Young mom DOES NOT= A mom who cant take care of her child.
People at all ages are bad moms and people at all ages are good moms please if you read this stop posting that young moms do not take care of their children. (and yes I have seen it on the boards MORE than once.
Remember it is a stero type. Just like saying all skiny girls post pictures of themself and say they are fat. (we all remember that drama)