YoungBees; How can FI & I bring up wedding costs & dates w/ parents?

posted 3 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

Just going to jump in here and say before anyone starts talking about only paying for the weeding she can afford – READ HER WHOLE POST

Post # 4
Member
825 posts
Busy bee


I just had it — so I’ll tell you how I approached it. FI’s parents are ridiculously well off, my family is comfortable. Just know that rich in money does not mean rich in spirit. I talked to my Mom, he talked to his parents.

1) Approach the topic as ‘how would you like to be involved with both the wedding planning process and the wedding itself’

This way you’re not outright asking for a financial contribution. I used the Knot’s Mother of the Bride and Mother of the Groom duties list to see how people wanted to be involved. Do they want to come look at reception sites? Do they want to go dress shopping with you? Do they want to throw an engagement party? All of this can get them in wedding contribution (emotional, not financial) mode.

2) E-mail or Call them in advance to set up a time to talk about how they’d like to be involved in the wedding.

Hopefully, they’ll take the hint that this may be a time where a wedding budget could come up and talk about it with each other before hand. This way they’ll be on the same page, have time to think about it, and present a united front. If there is a history of one parent making the big decisions, make sure both parents are there so that there isn’t any miscommunication.

If they hesitate to give a firm number, be gracious and understanding. Tell them that while when they got married, things were planned much closer to the actual date, venues in particular book well in advance and so you’d really appreciate an answer by ____________.

3) Know Your Audience

If they are going to contribute, but don’t know what to give, again be gracious and understanding. Are they going to respond to nation-wide averages of weddings? Are they going to want you to do some preliminary research to have an idea of what a wedding in your area will cost? Be prepared with some numbers to give them an idea since the last wedding they were involved of the planning in was there own.

4) If they say no, don’t panic

Don’t panic if they say no. You can still have a lovely wedding with just your contributions. You have about two years to save, and there are many, many low-cost wedding guides on the Bee! Don’t go into debt, you don’t want to start your lives together in debt. Look for threads on how to cut costs in order to save for the wedding.

Congratulations, and good luck! For me this was the most stressful part of planning…

Post # 5
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

@FutureMrsO_MyImSoLucky:  I would save for the wedding myself, no credit cards or debt, just live with necessities and save the rest.Honestly I wouldn’t even bring the wedding cost topic up. If they want to help they will offer.

Post # 6
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Okay first congrats and welcome to the hive!!

Firstly the annoying “youre too young” comments – FI and I were both 20 when he proposed and our wedding is in 4 weeks (eek) we are now 22 (well he will be 22 in 2 weeks) everyone will want to say this to you given the chance. Weddingbee is quite a negative place especially when it comes to age, so just prepare yourself.

 

As for the funding I think until either families offer help in the money department you need to assume you are funding this wedding solo (with FI obviously) It really does fall down to its your choice, your wedding so your $s.

FI and I had a long engagement because we needed the time to save, we bought our house and new car within our engagement as well, my advice is too get as many quotes and to write EVERYTHING down to keep track. Also there is a lot you can DIY or buy secondhand for a fraction of the price.

ETA – Have a vision or plan and stick to it! I wasted so much money having to change my vision because I either changed my mind or people/places double booked me and I had to rebook elsewhere with a different feel/look

Post # 7
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

@FutureMrsO_MyImSoLucky:  Hi there, now for my proper post lol

I feel like I was in a pretty similar situation to you guys financially. My parents are not particularly well off, but his are. I am very open with our wedding budget with both sides of the family, so everyone know what we are doing.

In terms of date, just tell them what date you’re looking at, explain why you want it then, and see how they take it. If they’re extremely surprised or unhappy about it being ‘so close’, just explain again why you want it for then. They’ll get over it pretty quickly!

In terms of conversations, we never specifically asked either side to help with money. We figured they’d offer something at some point (not being entitled here, just being normal and realistic with expectations). So far my parents have offered to pay for my dress (within a strict budget), and that’s all we’ve got. No doubt more aide will come later, but I don’t want to actually ask for it (I’m just personally not comfortable with that, but I’m sure other people are and there’s definitely nothing wrong with outright asking if they want to contribute! At the worst they’ll say no and that’s that). We’ve planned what we think we can afford, and when my parents offered for my dress it meant we could cut that out of the budget and save some for ourselves for after the wedding!

My advice would be to plan what you and your FI can afford ONLY, and not a cent above that, purely so you know what you’re getting yourself into. If you’re comfortable putting some things onto a loan or credit card, do it (I know I do!), but only if you are both happy to do that. I assume you’ll both be in full time work relatively soon after graduating, so paying it off might not be so much of an issue, but again, only go this way if you’re both 100% comfortable with it. IF either parents offers you money then you can either cut your budget down and spend less money overall, or use the excess from your own budget to expand out in areas you had cut back on. Unfortunately you really can’t even remotely assume either side will chip in (as much as we ALL know/hope/think they will, and it’s not being entitled, it’s being nomral). If they do then freaking awesome, but if they don’t at least you’ll be prepared. You never know, his family might be very traditional about all this and just not even consider putting money toward it because he’s their son and not their daughter.

Good luck with it all!

Post # 9
Member
2537 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Welcome to weddingbee!  First off, I wouldn’t broach the subject at all.  If your Fiance wants to discuss it with his parents separately, that’s his business.  I definitely think you’re more mature than your years.  My Fiance and I were engaged when we were 21, but we’re finally getting married this year (age 25).  Like you, we wanted to wait until after graduation and then save up enough to have a small wedding and also be a safe, financial position.  Good luck! 

Post # 11
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@FutureMrsO_MyImSoLucky:  A lot of wedding sites can set you up with a basic budget planner (based on percentages etc) but i didnt find these close to accurate (The knot budget worked out that I should be spending $7k on food at the reception alone!! realistically we are spending around $2500 on that)

Also phone apps can give you an idea. 

 

As for quotes, you might have to make a meeting or call, call, call!

Post # 14
Member
825 posts
Busy bee

@FutureMrsO_MyImSoLucky:  I can’t seem to find the link so I’ll post some things here that I had written down from my conversation. Take all knot articles and materials with a grain of salt, they have to be a catch all for every bride. I also flipped out when I saw that the Bride’s family was (traditionally) responsible for basically everything if families are contributing, and proceeded to flip out further when FI’s parents weren’t as progressive on wedding traditions as they were on everything else.

MOB:

  • Host an engagement party (bride’s family get’s first dibs)
  • Help couple deside on sites
  • Help bride put together family guest list
  • Help bride shop for her wedding gown
  • Choose own wedding outfit.
  • On wedding day, help bride get ready
  • Be escorted in by an usher during hte ceremony.

MOG:

  • Contact MOB if the families are not already aquainted
  • Attend first engagement party if the MOB chooses to host one.
  • May host an additional engagement party
  • Help couple make big planning decisions
  • Help groom put together guest list
  • Offer suggestions for special family traditions
  • Help shop for wedding gown if both sides agree (bride and MOG)
  • Choose own wedding outfit
  • Host rehersal dinner
  • Be escroted in by groom or usher

Post # 15
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Couple of questions:

– Does your fiance have a solid job lined up post-grad?
– How is this “first real house” being paid for? Is this a for sure thing, as in, it already exists/is signed for/etc.? Or just a hope? 

Post # 16
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@vorpalette:  +1 

I was wondering the same thing about the house. 

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