Post # 1
Hi bees! I’ve been a long time lurker, first time poster. So me and the SO have had the marriage timeline talk and the proposal should be within the next year. For those bees who’s SO’s have been engaged or married before (and this is your first time engagement), do you think it’s reasonable for your SO to get you a ring that is comparable, or perhaps even better, than his previous failed engagement/marriage?
I ask because I know SO’s ex-fiancé got a 1.25 carat, $10,000+ ring about 4 years ago. He told me that he spent way too much on it and he didn’t want to spend that much money again (probably also because she broke it off with him). Now, 4 years later, he has an even better job (money is not an issue. We are early-mid 30s and both have good jobs). I’ve always wanted something 1 carat or possibly just under. Not too extravagant, and definitely smaller than and less than the previous one. I’ve mentioned this to him a couple months ago when he told me what he got his ex. I told my friends and they say I should want/expect something better than what he got his ex!!! But I am ok with something less.
So a couple days ago, I found some print outs of some rings he’s been looking at, in the 0.40-0.60 carat range (they were just laying right there on the printer, I wasn’t really snooping!!!). I was excited he was looking at rings, but a bit disappointed at the size. I know this sounds materialistic, but it’s what I’ve always wanted!! Also makes me feel like he was willing to spend/sacrifice that much for her, but not for me. He has kind of a been there, done that attitude. Also, since he and the ex have mutual friends, I know they (the women) will be comparing her old ring to mine, esp. since one of them (the ringleader of the group, who is actually bff’s with the ex) really dislikes me and they are still close friends with her. They are not close with me/hardly give me a chance. I still see the ex and those mutual friends about 3 times a year at events.
So, if this was the case, what would you do and how to bring this up to him?
Post # 2
I think it’s fine to let him know what kind of ring you’d prefer, but I wouldn’t frame it as “you got your ex this kind of ring so I want it too,” I’d frame it as “you know, it’s always been my dream to have this kind of ring: ____.” In other words, take any mention of the ex out of it and have the conversation center on what kind of ring you really want.
Post # 3
iheartpeonies: I think you’re allowed to want what you want. If you would really like rings that are 075-1ct then I think you should show him some things that you like and tell him what’s important to you in a ring.
I would leave the ex’s ring out of the conversation (makes you sound petty). Your desire for the ring you want has nothing to do with what she had. You also don’t know why he printed those pictures. Maybe he like the style and was printing them to show part of it to a store. My ring is available with a stone from 0.5ct right up to 2ct. If you print it online you see the 0.5ct 🙂
You never know, don’t assume, talk to your FI!
Post # 4
iheartpeonies: I might not have the most favorable answer here but: #1 never expect something just because.
#2: he’s already shared with you that he didn’t want to spend that much money on a ring again. Why ? Well I don’t know your FI, but logical ideas point to the fact that: engagement rings are over-glamourized by: the jewelry industry, Weddingbee, the wedding industry, etc……because they want you to spend money. Not because a larger diamond or more expensive ring signifies that a man loves you any more than if he bought you a smaller ring.
Honestly, unless we had so much money that we had vacations paid for for the next 10 years, college funds set aside for kids, a house paid in full, no car payments, and we’d at least volunteered our time if not a monetary gift to help people in genuine need— unless ALL of those things had been met, I’d be pissed if mt husband had spend that much money ona ring– even if he had a high paying job and money wasn’t an issue at the moment. Becuase you never know when money might be an issue.
Let go of the past– and move forward with your man with NO comparisons.
Post # 5
I would let him know that you want about a 1ct. These rings aren’t all worth $10,000+. You can find something within the budget that’s worth much, much less. Show him examples of things you like on Etsy that’s worth less and still 1ct. That may help 😉
My SO was previously engaged, and TRUST ME, don’t compare anything to the previous engagement. I have no clue what he did for her engagement ring or what he spent, but I had specifications for my own and he’s been working hard to meet them 🙂 (my ring has to be custom made due to what I’m asking for).
Post # 6
Ugh. I completely understand the perspective now that you KNOW what his ex had and how much it cost, but I would just have a convo with him about your personal tastes and not throw in anything about the price or size of the ex’s ring. Her ring has nothing to do with your ring and also because comparing it does sound childish.
Also the ring shouldn’t matter in the big picture, it’s the marriage that counts. 🙂
Post # 7
Tell him what YOU want. But don’t live your life according to other people. That is exhausting! Not to mention, petty, immature and unrealistic. Don’t listen to your friends in this situation. You are a competely different person than his ex, I assume. Your relationship is completely different. I’d pretend you didn’t know anything about their engagement or wedding. This is about you guys and his fresh start with you. Don’t taint it…
Post # 8
Didn’t end up working for her though did it?
Post # 9
iheartpeonies: i think it’s reasonable for you to express to him what kind of ring you want, not what kind of ring will 1up his ex. it’s not a pissing contest…he bought that ring for her (and who knows why: did she fuss about it? did she pressure him into buying something that big/expensive? etc.), and the relationship didn’t work. past. done.
now it’s your turn. he loves you! 🙂 i think as long as you approach the topic as a discussion of what you’d like your ring to look like, he’ll be able to take it extremely well and make it happen. if you approach it in the way of making your ring better and more expensive than his ex’s, you’ll come off petty.
congrats on the upcoming engagement!
Post # 10
I agree with PP re not comparing the rings to him.
He should want to please you, though. If you tell him what you really want and he can afford it, I would hope that he can get over his been there done that just because he loves you and you haven’t been there and dine that.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer's Beach, Grand Cayman
I think just completely aside from what he got his ex, YOU want something close to 1 carat and that has nothing to do with his past. I would talk to him about it, leaving out the ex from the conversation and see what he’s comfortable with based on what you would like. Forget about what the mutual friends will say, that sounds like some high school drama and your relationships worth is not based on the price of a diamond.
Post # 12
SO was married before, and his ex’s ring was VERY similar to my first engagement ring.
If I wanted a diamond, I’d want it to be nicer than hers, maybe not necessarily bigger, but I’d want it to be ‘better’… I’m all in for a moisannite so I have reason to belive it will be a bit bigger and super sparkly. SO is still friends with all the couples they were friends with and I’d also wonder if they compared it to hers… so I see where you’re coming from!
SO knows I don’t want princess cut (that’s what hers and mine was). I also sent him a link to moissaniteco.com but not any specific rings. For a third of what he paid for the first ring he could get something spectacular…
The past is the past and whether he spends 1k or 100k it doesn’t change how much he loves you, but like the other bees said: express what your tastes and likes are and approach it that way!
Post # 13
I am in a similar boat except I don’t want anything even close to what he got for her. When they got engaged he was in his early 20’s working at the same job making a ton of money with a small rent payment and she had finished her doctorate. He had tons of money to spend on a big ring with lots of bling.
Now, aside from still paying off his divorce settlement, we have a mortgage, a son and I make 1/4 of what she made. Fortunately I don’t want something big and blingy. I don’t even want a ring because it feels like a huge waste of money at this point in our lives, but he is making me get one.
I originally was looking at .5 solitares because they are simple, but even that feels like a waste of money so I decided to go with a cluster ring that looks like one stone..less than $300 and perfect. Much better (and more practical in my mind) than the huge blingy thing he got her.
Post # 14
I think if you’re willing to put in $ to get what you want, you should offer to do so.
Post # 15
Do not compare to his previous engagement. You know what you want in a ring…Tell him. You are his SO now so I’m sure he will do his best to give you something you will be happy with. Again…do not mention anything about his ex’s ring…that is old news and may not come off looking very well in your favour.