Post # 1
Ok. I need to preface this by saying how much I LOVE my husband and know how incredibly hard working he is. My husband is a caterer and has a very physically demanding job. Especially during Christmas. I’ve known this for 5 years now. I get it and I know to try not to be bothered by his grinchy attitude during Christmas…
He comes home at night exhausted and cranky. I get it. I really have learned to try and be mindful that his attitude isn’t towards me – but because of the day he’s had. I get it.
But what I don’t get…the fact that he doesn’t understand how MENTALLY demanding my job is. I’m the one with the higher-paying HIGHER-STRESS corporate job. I love my job more than anything, but in a nutshell, I work for a very fast-paced company with deadlines and dealing with HUGE corporate pharmaceutical companies every.single.day. I work on projects that leave me so mentally stressed out and exhausted that all I want to do when I get home is lay on the couch and do NOTHING.
But my husband can’t see how I can be sooooo exhausted when – in his words – all I do is “sit in a chair in my cubicle all day”. So it’s like it’s OK for him to be exhausted because he’s got a PHYSICAL job all day, but not me. I should still come home and cook and clean and be June Cleaver AS WELL AS superwoman at work.
Guess I just need to vent. He was cranky last night and this morning because of how insanely busy they are this week. Again, I AM trying to be mindful of it and not really bother him when he’s like this – but I hate it because he also doesn’t get that I am JUST as exhausted and stressed out (if not more)…But I’m wondering if anyone else feels like they’re in this same situation?…
Post # 3
I used to have a physically demanding job–it’s TOTALLY different than what I do now, which can be mentally demanding. Stress is stress, plain and simple. I’d be pretty pissed if he just expected me to cook and clean and crap on top of my job, though, just because I wasn’t physically exhausted by the end of the day! That’s B.S. as far as I’m concerned!
Post # 4
I guess my job is kinda physically demanding–I’m a social worker and I do home visits, so I’m basically out and about for a number of hours each day. Not running a marathon or anything, but walking around the streets, getting on and off trains and buses, up and down stairs, etc. However, I have no illusions–my DH’s job is way more stressful. He works in finance and is constantly enaged with what’s going on in the markets, etc. He’s super intense about his work too so even though he sits at a desk all day, he’s pretty beat when he gets home. I actually like moving around during the day–I feel like it gives me more energy than just sitting at a desk! So basically, I sympathize with you 🙂
Post # 5
Thanks guys. I’m just venting. It is so frustrating sometimes…Yes, I like to make him happy and try to be the traditional wife of coming home and making dinner, (try) to clean up (which I hate doing, lol)…but I swear I just feel like he seriously thinks I should be superwoman and June Cleaver put together.
Sorry I’m NOT a stay at home wife. I have a stressful and demanding job just like him – IF NOT WORSE!!!!! (again, just needed to vent. )
Post # 6
I hear ya! I don’t really have any advice, but hopefully venting helps!
I think DH has a little bit more stressful job than I do. He’s a PE teacher for middle schoolers in an urban, low income area. He also coaches Sept to Jan, so his days are really long. I’m a social worker. My schedule can vary more than his, when I have court and home visits, but most of my work is at a residential campus so I’m just walking between buildings and seeing kids. I think phone calls are the most stressful part of my day – I like working with families, but hate making phone calls to them.
Post # 7
I feel the same way some times!! DH is a pipe-fitter and installs automatic fire sprinklers and works these long 10 hour days and has to meet deadlines which is very stressful for him. I am in the office all day sitting, typing, answering phones and getting orders out. Granted it isn’t normally a stressful job, but it does wear me out and he doesn’t get it either. It has taken me a while to figure out that it isn’t me making him grumpy it is his job, it still sucks though when he comes home and doesn’t want to do much!
Post # 8
We are in a similar boat – DH also works longer hours than I do. He doesn’t complain that I have the job with less stress (ie: the sit in a chair all day type thing).
That said – in premarital counseling, he was encouraged to find a place he could ‘dump’ his stress off at (on his way home) so that he didn’t bring it home with him. The idea was to pick a place on the commute (be it an intersection, railroad track, etc.) that once you crossed over, you let the stress of the day stay behind.
I don’t think DH has quite embraced that concept yet – but I do understand what the counselor was getting at. I’ve found that if I give DH time to unwind after work – meaning, don’t ask him about his day, don’t tell him about mine – just let him shower, change, and make him his favorite cocktail – he’s in a MUCH better mood and has had the time to disengage from work mode and switch to relax and enjoy time at home.
I understand how annoying it is to hear him complain about how stressful and tiring work is (without him acknowledging that you also might be having a stressful day)…. maybe try to just acknowledging it and emphasize with him… it sounds like he’s wanting some babying and TLC. I think if he gets that, he’ll reciprocate and start to understand the daily stressors you face.
Post # 9
That stinks that he doesn’t give you as much empathy as you give him. It’s kind of like that for me and my husband too, at times. My husband is an engineer, works long hours, and has high levels of mental stress. I am a nurse, and my job entails high levels of mental AND physical stress. BUT my husband thinks that becuase I get more days off than he does (I work a 12 hour rotating shift schedule of 2 days,2 nights, 5 days off) that I have all this free time and couldn’t possibly be as stressed as him. Umm, so not true.
I don’t really like the sort of tit for tat attitude he has about working…its not a contest. Both of us work hard and contribute to the home. Let’s just support each other!
Post # 10
If/when DH goes out into the field, (usually when he’s short staffed), it’s physical labour. Otherwise, the billing, account work, cultivating clients, etc. – it’s mental.
Mine is mental.
Since we both work at home, we know what each other faces job-wise.
Post # 11
My DH does physical labor and I think its hard for him to understand why I can come home tired after working at my desk all day.
Post # 12
DH and I handle our job stress differently too. He wants to talk about it and vent. I need to learn to shut up, listen and agree with him, rather than talk rationally about it since it is just him venting and letting go. I, on the other hand, usually can’t talk to much about work (HIPPA) and want to let it go and enjoy my time with him, while he asks about my day a lot, and has trouble letting go when I say I had a stressful day but don’t want to or can’t talk about it.
Post # 13
@mrstilly: HAHA my husband and I are exactly the opposite. He HATES venting and talking about his work – whereas I’m the QUEEN of venting!! lol. :p
@Valhalla: wow. I have friends/family that are in the nursing field and I know how INCREDIBLY stressful it is! plus, I’ve worked 12 hour days before…they’re not fun. :p
@oracle: i wish it was just that he wants some TLC and babying, but DH is NOT like that at all. He expects things to be perfect and for me to be the one to take care of the house, the cooking, the cleaning, etc…AND on top of that do my job (at work). He’s very old-school in his thinking and I know he’d love to have a June Cleaver at home…but he also knows I’m VERY far from it! lol. Like I said, he works very hard, and it’s not like he doesn’t do anything around the house (he does more than me, sometimes!)…
but he still doesn’t accept/get/whatever that just because I have a sit-down cubicle / work on the computer all day long – that my day isn’t just as stressful if not more.
Post # 14
What I don’t get is – if you both work why should the “house” only be one of your responsiblities. The way I see it “homemaking” is considered a job. Both you and your husband have full time jobs. So shouldn’t “homemaking” then be BOTH of your “part time” jobs? I think you need to explain it like that to him. If he wants you to quit and stay at home all day then fine, but you are bringing in income and stressed and tired too, he should appreciate that.
Good for you for having a career and doing well for yourself!
Post # 15
@JuneBride_26June2010: I totally hear you. My hubby and I both “sit in a chair all day” working mentally/intellectually challenging jobs, so he definitely understands, but for a looooong time, my parents did not get it.
My dad works a physically demanding job, while my mom was a SAHM and homemaker. They pushed me really hard academically because, like a lot of uneducated immigrants, they thought a high-fallutin’ degree would be my ticket to an easy life where I just sit behind a desk looking important and money rains from the sky.
They would get on my case every time they caught me taking a break from studying or going out with friends on the weekend, because in their minds, why should I need a break from sitting on my duff and reading? They didn’t understand why I should have any problem studying 24/7 because sitting around takes no physical effort and reading is “fun”. They had no concept of the mental exhaustion involved in reading dense academic texts.
I can’t blame them because they meant well. They only wanted the best for me, and it’s not their fault they never got to experience what it’s like to get a good education. But damn, it was so frustrating being thought of as a lazy bum when I was actually exhausted from studying!
Post # 16
@JrzyGurl: It’s not that he doesn’t do any house work – he totally does, as well as yard work – BUT in his mind, I know he wishes I were the one who took care of the house and did all the stereotypical “wifely” things as far as cooking/cleaning goes. (I know this because he has told me his feelings on this before – he doesn’t nag me about it, but more that it’s always “there”…)
I’ve NEVER been that type of woman. lol. he knows that and I also know – for our marriage and life together to work, I need to work more at comprimising and learning to do some of those things (No I’m not all about being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen – and that’s not what he’s asking). But he just expects that I should take more initiative in wanting the house to be spotless all the time and dinner to be made, etc…but – again – it just bothers me that he doesn’t get that the reason it doesn’t happen 24/7 is because I’m just as tired from my job when I get home at night as he is.
Again, he doesn’t get that we BOTH are tired at night – he only thinks, because his job is physically demanding and mine is not – tha I should have more energy to do all those things. I just want to smack it into him that it’s not going to happen! lol.
And it’s not like we fight over it or anything – I think it’s just more that I don’t feel like I’m getting the same respect to the fact that, again, I’m just as tired as he is. ya know?