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I have a couple friends who are "one of the guys" and this almost always happens. Out of her guy friends that got married or in a serious relationship I think she lost all but two of them and it crushed her. But at the same time she was less then understanding sometimes about their girlfriend's fiance's hesitations with them hanging out one-on-one like they used to do. It's a tricky situation, you should all meet a few times and then you can assess for yourself. When she has stayed friends with the guy and girl it's been great and become closer to the girl than the guy. It's a tricky situation but meet her and assess for yourself whether you think there may be more than friendship feelings there.
My husband has a woman who works for him that he knows EVERYTHING about. It bugged me for about a week, then I realized that the reasons I love him are the reasons he's being a good friend to her. Now, I know her and we all hang out together, so it's kinda different. She just doesn't have many good girlfriends in our area, so she relies on my husband to hash our guy issues, etc. It also helps that he thinks she's nuts and is totally not his type! :)
I would talk to him and let him know that while you want him to be free to have friends that are women, that you feel weird about the text and you would like that to stop.
I have a pretty simple rule for myself and my spouse when it comes to opposite sex friends. I conduct myself when he is gone as I would were he there. If it is a "joke" I would make in front of him, then it is not a big deal. I know if I feel the need to hide something, or feel like something is being hidden then a line has been crossed and we need to talk. No one is perfect. It is generally harmless to flirt a little outside your relationship, and probably unrealistic to expect it never happens. But you should communicate about respect and boundaries and trust. If he stopped talking to her it sounds like he sensed it made you uncomfortable, and tried to back off. He may have done it in a clumsy, guy way, but it seems like he is trying to take your feelings into account. Maybe he knows she is flirtatious, and once he realized how much it hurt you, decided to take a step back. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.
As a guy I do notice a different dynamic between friends who are men and women, even if she's 'one of the guys' so over the years I have less of both.
While no one should have to give up friends soley for the sake of a relationship, it's part of the pairing off we do as adults. The natural progression of adulthood is to widdle your group of friends down to 'family' rather than a large group of acquaintances.
Establishing boundaries of inappropriate conversation, private or not, verbal or texting, is a good rule. Flirting is flirting and you should be able to pick up on that when you meet your partner's friend(s). Also, putting your partner in your shoes is always a good starting point to seeing where you're coming from, but going further and meeting your partner's friends is a big step in establishing a trust level that should grow with your relationship.
@sjbee - that's awesome advise and something I will keep in mind in my own relationship.
@3M - it sounds like it was more the content of the message vs. the friendship with the girl. I think if a relationship he has with another female makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to talk to him about it. The relationship he has with you is priority and if other relationships are causing issues, then it has to stop.
I think you should push to meet this friend so you actually know who it is. Then, you can maybe have a private chat with her and mention that you are glad she is a good friend to your husband, but maybe if she could tone down those types of texts you would really appreciate it.
My SO has a female friend and I've never really found suggestive texts but like if she calls or something he'll answer the phone excitedly and chat with her for like 20 minutes. And then go hang out with her and stuff.
So I'm pretty biased, I don't think guys in serious relationships should have close female friends--unless they were friends before you two met. But you should always take priority and your feelings should always come before hers. So what if she's just a flirty person, or that's just how their friendship is. Your relationship should trump "how their friendship is". But if this is someone he met after you two paired up, I don't think a close friendship is appropriate.
If that makes any sense... Like, I would never ask my SO to ditch his best friend since high school because he's dating me. But I would ask him to not spend so much time with the new girl at the office.
I think in this case you should give him the benefit of the doubt here. If they start hanging out again, you should be included at least once to meet her.
The problem I see with opposite-sex frienships is that the other person can have different intentions that you or your FI. Maybe he sees her as nothing more than a friend, but she's got another idea and is just waiting for him to be single again. I think that happens as well with a woman in a committed relationship and a male friend, who may also have an SO. That doesn't mean you can never have opposite sex friendships, but it's best to see it for yourself and be wary.
I agree, meet her and then see. I had many guy friends in college (hello a 75% male college?) and would never send an inappropriate or illicit text to another man. It's just very wrong in my opinion.
It's possible she's just very flirty and he appreciates the special attention. IMO, if she was a real, true friend, I don't get how you've NOT met her! I mean, really! I've met ALL my guy's friends at bbq's, other weddings, work, etc. If he had a friend that i'd never met, it'd be strange
thanks everyone, i love other peoples opinion/perspectives
Just to clear a few things up. They this particular person and him have been friends before we got together its just his ex didnt let him have ANY friends, so certainly not female ones so he is even more adamant about not giving up his friends, female or not and im ok with that. She is not a new work friend or anything.
They recently contacted eachother im guessing because they werent able to talk for a long time and thats what she hasnt been to out bbq's yet.
He asked me if he could mention to her that i noticed teh text and i said sure. He said that she would have told her man to get out, so at least he sees where im coming from.
I like that sjbee mentioned that maybe they havent spoke much because he sensed that it made me uncomfortable. Perhaps.
Thanks again and keep the perspectives coming!
The fact that he wants you to meet her is a good sign. It shows that he's not trying to hide their relationship. DH has tons of female friends. Tons. He's more of a ladies' man than a guys' guy, and I knew that before we even started dating. After we started dating, he set up new boundaries with his friends, letting them know what was no longer appropriate in their relationships due to his relationship with me. All those friendships survived. He also brought me to meet them. So definitely meet her, find out what their relationship is really like. There's always that friend who does something kind of inappropriate with everyone (and I do mean everyone, regardless of sex) and no one even notices it anymore. She could be that friend.
I am in your shoes right now too..my FI has a few friends that are girls whom he talks to..I do get jealous sometimes until I meet them and realize the dynamic is not like I think...I am actually meeting one of his friends next month and it makes me nervous ( I guess she had a thing for him at one point and they kissed once, but it was awkward so it never worked out into anything more than friendship) I know that they didn't date, but there was a slight history there. I got weird about this at first until I realized I put him through this a couple years ago when he met one of my close guy friends whom had had a thing for me and had tried to kiss me. If he managed to get through that then I see no reason I can't do the same.
The bottom line is how he respects your feelings. He's not making you feel like you're unreasonable, he created some distance for a while, he can put himself in your shoes, AND he wants to be completely open with his female friend about how the whole thing made you uncomfortable, so I think he's making a good effort to handle this properly without losing your trust or her friendship.
My FI is a lot like Johnsbride09's FI. Very good friends with women -- the kind you want to be friends with when you're single because he's fun, flirtatious and makes you feel beautiful and alive. That's one of the things I first fell in love with, actually. There were a few times when his behavior towards his friends crossed a line in my eyes, and he has really worked on finding a balance between my comfort level and his natural way of expressing himself. The main thing is that he not disrespect me or our relationship. Otherwise, I love the way he relates to women and I think it makes him more sensitive to me in the end.
If she were "one of the guys" then there wouldn't have been an inappropriate text between them, unless he would be similarly inappropriate with one of the guys... I'm assuming it wasn't just a fart joke. :-/
I would never ask FI to ditch his female friends, and he doesn't ask me to ditch mine. But if she's a good friend, who wants nothing more than to be a friend, she wouldn't be participating in that kind of joking around when he is not single. I think it's a good thing they don't talk much anymore; it means he got what you said and respects you.
As a girl who is often treated as 'one of the guys' I can honestly say sometimes 'innapropriate' joking comes up. It's usually meant to be ironic. You can't tell irony through a text message though. And I can tell you, if she had romantic inclinations toward him, and vice versa, things would have happened long ago, before the two of you even possibly got together.
Girls are often better at keeping the relationship at a 'just friends' level than guys. I think a lot of guys may crush on girls, but it's almost always the girl who makes it clear that it is only a friendship and will never be anything more. So if she sent him an innapropriate text, I'm quite certain it was a joke.
If it makes you uncomfortable though, by all means, tell him and make sure he establishes boundaries, as others have said. Also, you should really make an effort to meet her. I'm sure you'll feel better once you do.
PS: if the text was sexual in nature.....guys ask their girlfriends all kinds of dumb questions about sex. So it could have been one of those deals.
I am totally the girl who is one of the guys. Now granted I'm more perverted than my husband is, and he works at a trucking company, so you know they've got some dirty minds, lol. I think as long as you meet her all should be good. I have a guy friend who I joke around with, and it's funny as hell, but then again my husband has met him, and feels no threat from him whatsoever. So he found it funny as hell when my friend and I were jokingly coming up with my stripper song, which is a huge inside joke, and I told my husband about it and he found it funny even. And my friend is happily married, and we all get along. Not to the point of hanging out much, but just to have funny conversations via text.
And he's got his girl friends too, but there is one I don't know much about and would like to meet, so I understand where your coming from. Like he just never mentioned anything about her to me until recently, which I found odd, but am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I seriously don't know the first thing about her, and so I'm slowly getting info about her from him.... so we'll see.
I guess it depends on if you trust him or not.
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Ok, im going to make this as short as possible.
My sweetie has a couple female friends that I havent met. He texts with them and I happened to see a text to one particular friend that was VERY out of line and i confronted him and he said it was a joke. He said he wanted me to meet her so i could understand how their friendship was. He claims she is like one of the guys etc. I havent met her yet and he doesnt bring her name up anymore. I dont believe the really even talk now. I wonder if it was such a joke then why arent they talking?
Was i not suppose to see it? I mean it was a text on his phone, which i never look at. I have access to his whole world, passwords etc, so he cant really hide anything but i never see his phone.
Im not worried about him cheating (or am i?) but where do you draw the line? Of course I told him to put himself in my shoes. He would be upset if he saw a inappropriate text on my phone from a guy friend. He understood.
I dont want to be the girl who doesnt allow my man to have friends, I think friends are very important, but I think that if we are getting married then there should be no inappropriate talk with any female no matter what.
Thoughts?