Your opinion on how to split time with families fairly?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1719 posts
Bumble bee

I think your idea of staying at your family’s home while he stays at his is a good idea. I would go with that solution if I was you. 

Post # 4
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@hspw714:  I think you’re overthinking it and should both just pick a side and stay there together. Unless your family is going to complain just to cause drama (or if his is like that), this shouldn’t be an issue among mature adults. I doubt anyone is keeping a tally of the time you’ve spent at each side’s. 

Post # 5
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would each stay with respective family. I like having some time with my family alone sometimes.

Post # 6
1287 posts
Bumble bee

Personally, I wouldn’t leave my husband. I’d want to be with him for the holiday.  Just go with what you are doing.  I think your parents are adult enough that they aren’t going to act like children because your inlaws got more days than they did with you.  They will just be happy to see you and spend at least some time with you.  And, it’s not the quanity of time you spend with someone, it’s the quality of time.  


Enjoy your vacation with family! 


Post # 7
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I was married for 20+ Years the first time… and my best advice is try to divide up time annually 50-50 between your Parents.

Be that by Days or Holidays.

So if you spent Thanksgiving with one side this year, then spend next year’s Thanksgiving with the other family.

Do the same for Christmas, Easter, etc.

If they all live in the same area / town… then try to make your divisions by days… as evenly as possible.

That will make for less issues in the long run (if it means counting hours / awake hours… so be it)

You’ll appreciate this in the long run… especially so when you add kids into the mix

And don’t forget… when it comes to Holidays there is such a thing… as having “your own” celebrations too… as you are now your own family.

So Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with another, and Easter solo is also a do-able alternative.

Hope this helps (some)


Post # 8
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@hspw714:  My fiance and I are having a similar issue. We ALWAYS spend Christmas Eve with his family, open presents and what not. Christmas Day around 3 (last year we weren’t engaged so we did out own thing) Jake (fiance) came over to spend time with my side of the family. The issue this year is who gets Christmas morning. Jake wants to spend it with his family, and I of course want to spend it with mine since I think it’s only fair because we spent Christmas Eve with his family.

If your families are close together I say just stop in and say hi to one and spend the night with your family. It’s only for a short while so if anyone is offended it’s just silly. If you’re comfotable staying seperately than do that! I think thats a good idea too!

Post # 10
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It depends how drama prone your families are and how much you care about said drama.

Most families understand that it is challenging to split time and will get it. But you know your family better than any of us do.

Post # 11
2800 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If your family’s aren’t drama pron, where you spend the night shouldn’t matter.  I would just make sure to spend part of the day with both families, IE if you were spending the night with your parents, you would make sure to at least see his for lunch. 

To be honest, splitting time evenly will leave you a probably more stresed out than it needs too.  Be as even as possible, but don’t count the hours/nights/days with each side as something you need to make up to the other side.  

Post # 12
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Who has the best accomodations?

It’s just for one night–I’d say “We couldn’t pick who we wanted to stay with, so we picked the family with the comfiest bed!”

Post # 13
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@hspw714:  I think counting the number of nights you spend with each family is going overboard. What’s important is spending the same general amount of time, but even more than that, quality time. For just one night, I don’t think it even matters. Flip a coin. I wouldn’t spend the night separately from my husband unless it’s REALLY important to both of you to be with your own families.

Post # 14
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Wow, you are very fair about time. I don’t know any parents that literally calculate and compare. I would think you guys should stay where you prefer to. We get along with my family better so most of our family time is spent with them. I wouldn’t spend an unnecessary night apart from my husband to accommodate parents though, that’s for sure. 

Post # 15
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

+1 to what MrsPanda99 said. Our family dynamics are very different (my family always spends time together through social functions like birthdays, anniversaries, etc, while FI’s family almost never gets together) and there’s no drama about it. We spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with my side of the family, and Christmas Day with his.

Post # 16
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

We don’t live in the same state as either of our families, so what we have done is switch off which family we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with. For example, this year we did Thanksgiving with my in-laws and we will do Christmas with my family. This has worked really well for our situation (although now we are pregnant so we are going to have to figure out a new plan!)

If I were you, though, I would avoid trying too hard to split the holidays fairly down to the number of days or hours with each family. I feel like that sets a precedent that your will grow to regret later on. Good luck!

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