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Inspired by this thread, I was wondering what everyone's experience was with their parents and learning about sex from them. How did your parents handle teaching you about sex?
I think that my mother did SUCH a good job with me and my sister. I first learned about sex when I was 4 years old. My mom got pregnant and told me that there was a baby in her belly that would eventually become my new brother or sister. Unfortunatey for her, I was a very bright and VERY inquisitive child, and I kept asking more and more questions: "How did the baby get in there?" "How did Daddy plant a seed in your belly?" "What did the seed look like?" Etc.
So my mom picked up a book written for children that explained, very simply, how babies are made. You know, the basics: "When a man and woman love each other very much..."
Then, in middle school, we had sex ed, where I learned more about the intricacies and details of how sex worked.
But in my freshman or sophomore year of high school, my mom sat me down and had a really frank conversation wtih me. She told me that she really hoped that I waited to have sex, because she thought I was too young. But she knew that she couldn't watch me 24/7 and if I wanted to have sex, I'd find a way to do it. So she told me that if I chose to have sex, it was CRUCIAL that I was responsible about it. She encouraged me to make sure the guy was wearing a condom, and she even said that, if I wanted to have sex and was too embarrassed to buy condoms, she said to ask her to do it. She said that she wouldn't be happy about it AT ALL, but she would rather buy me condoms than find out that I had unprotected sex.
Of course I was MORTIFIED (I was only 13 or 14 and nowhere near ready to have sex), but the message stuck with me. I think she handled it really well. And I didn't have sex until college.
Sidenote: When I was 18, she and I had another talk. It was very similar, but about drinking. She said that she knew that I drank sometimes and she couldn't stop me, but she asked me to NEVER drive drunk or get in the car when the driver had been drinking. She said that I could call her any time and she'd come pick me up, no questions asked, no yelling or trouble, because she'd rather pick me up at 3am than have me die in an accident.
She was a cool mom.
My mom was the EXACT same as yours. And, I did have to call my mom once or twice in high school to pick me up from a party because I had been drinking. She would bring me home (usually around 2 in the morning), make me chicken mc nuggets, and would hold her conversation about the evening until I was sober in the morning. Because of her stern yet open attitude, I waited until college to have sex, have never had unproected sex, and have never been blindly drunk. Of course I enjoy drinking and enjoy having sex - but her messages have always been in the back of my brain and have kept me grounded.
As an aside, my mom started the "sex ed" conversations in the car on my way to school starting in 6th grade!! She wanted to do it "in conjunction with" the sex ed classes I was forced to take at school.
I just need to replay the only "sex talk" conversations I can remember having with my parents because they are TOO funny. I spent years of my childhood worried I was accidentally going to eat the "right foods" because she wouldn't tell me what they were.
My Mom, when I was 3 and she was pregnant with my brother: "When a man and a woman love each other very much and eat all the right foods, they have a baby."
Me, early teens: "Hey, Mom, what's an orgasm like?"
Mom: Like your whole body is sneezing.
My Mom, when I was 19, the morning after my first time: "What time did he leave?"
Me: 2 AM
Mom: What were you doing that late?
Me: Having sex.
Mom: Oh.
My Mom to me age 23, when my brother (age 19 or so) and his college girlfriend were visiting: "Hey, R, make sure your brother knows about condoms. Maybe you can give him some."
Fortunately, we had very good comprehensive sex ed in school. It's not really that my parents are all that prudish, it's just that they never really thought to sit down and discuss this stuff with me or my brother.
@eupenmalmody: Your mom making you chicken nuggets randomly reminds me of my old boss, who told me that one time his mom caught him and hs friend smoking pot in his bedroom. Her punishment was to make a whole bowl of Rice-a-Roni and put it in the middle of the kitchen table, and make them sit at the table, looking at it and smelling it but not letting them eat it.
And then, after an hour or so, she let them eat it.
Makes me laugh every time I think about it.
I think it sounds like your mom handled it really well!
I don't remember the details of sex talks with my mom. I do remember her giving me a book to read about the birds and the bees that was narrated by a bird and a bee. It went through everything from the differences between male and female anatomy, contraception, sex, how a baby develops, etc.
What ever she did seemed to work out well for me and my sister. I waited until I was 20, it was with my now-DH, and always protected. My sister has broken up with two different BF at this point who were not respecting the fact that she wasn't ready to have sex (she's almost 21 now and is with a guy who respects her so much more).
I'm not a parent yet but I do expect that this won't be the easiest of topic to discuss with future children. You don't want to freak them out or make them feel to pressured, but you can't take it all too lightly either. It's certainly a fine line!
@danadelphia: That is awesome. I'm totally stealing that idea for when I catch my children smoking pot one day!!
I don't remember my parents and I ever having "the talk." I went to Christian school, and part of that includes Family Honors. Where basically they teach you about God's plan for us and sex. The teachers also terrify you at the age of 13 about STDs and eternal damnation.. but what I remember is learning the anatomy.. and then being taught to fear sex. Also, contraception is bad according to my instructor. It interfere's with God's plan for sex.
So yeah.. I got my sex talk from teachers. I wish I had the talk with my parents, but I was just too afraid to even bring it up. Even when Fi and I ased our parents if they were ok with us moving in together, I never got "the talk." My parents have told me they trust me to make good decisions many times, so I guess that was my talk. Make good decisions. Good talk.
I found the book that my parent's gave me to read! It's called "It's Perfectly Normal : Changing Bodies, Growing up, Sex, and Sexual Health"
EDIT - Sorry the picture is so giant!
I don't ever remember sitting down with my mom and having "the sex talk" I went to Catholic school my entire life and I remember doing family life and learning a lot then. They seperated the boys and girls to tell us about it. Honestly I remember it being very informative, of course they preached abstinence but in 3rd grade I was like of course! I also had to take a class called "Sexuality" my freshman year of high school which discussed every thing about sex, the fact that I was still very much a virgin, I found that class very helpful. When I started college my mom wanted me to go on Birth control and we had a talk then, I was planning on waiting for the right person so I didn't want that. Sex was never a scary thing for me, nor was it something I was saving as a special gift. All the teachers I had made sex seem like a good thing just not something you share with everyone :)
I remember my mom telling me when she was pregnant with my little brother that my dad helped put him there. I asked how and she said that when you are older a boy part and a girl part can make a baby. I was good with that for awhile. I do remember my freshman year of high school, I was at a party and someone thought it would be funny to put in a porno (yeah we were in high school). It was the first one I'd ever seen and I remember being SHOCKED! As embaressing as it sounds my entire life up until I was 14 years old I didn't know that when you had sex the "boy part" actually went in! I thought you just rubbed up against each other. I remember thinking "Of course people get pregnant!!" I was pretty naive.
I was about 12ish when I ASKED my mom for the sex talk. Her reply? I'll tell you when you your getting married and need to know.
I half want to ask for it now. haha. I wish my family wasn't so awkward about it.
My sex talk with my mom was hilarious because of how inadequate it was.
At age 7 or 8 - "Someday, you'll start bleeding from your privates. When that happens, put this in your undies. Girls start early in our family. I just want you to be prepared."
Wait, what? Fortunately, I read Sweet Valley High, and they talked about periods in there. Which made my mom's random presentation of a maxi pad make a lot more sense. Cat breeding books were my sex ed until I started working at the library, when I researched it for myself.
For the record, I panicked when I started growing pubic hair.
My mom bought a book for me in the 4th grade and would read a little bit every night before bed. I just remember there being a lot of cartoonish illustrations and it did a pretty bad job of explaining how the act of sex happend. It was sort of just "this is what you do when you love someone." So the next year when i had my first period I was so confused and had no idea what was going on! I had a lot of clarifications later that year when we had to have sex ed in school.
Yeah, we never had a talk. My parents are pretty awkward about sex stuff. It was forbidden, of course, but we just didn't know about it. Luckily we went to public school where you get diagrams and books and a stern explanation.
Part of the reason I think we never had a talk was because I'm both very stubborn and extremely trustworthy. I think my parents knew that I was going to do what I wanted when I wanted and I'd make sure to research it first. I think they had a talk with my older sister and it was horribly awkward.
@cyneswith - thats hilarious, when I started my first period it was like that scene from My Girl. I thought I was dying! I told my mom what happened and she started crying so really for a moment I thought I really WAS dying, she just kept crying and said, "honey, you're a women now". My mother the drama queen.
@smith2be: Yep, I didn't know what it was either. I was horrified but it explained the stomachache I'd had all day. Luckily my sister was there. She was more helpful. When I learned a few months later where a tampon went, I was traumatized.
Also, I didn't know how to use a tampon the first time so I followed the instructions right? They never show you what happens once it's in there, so I left the applicator in place. (it was cardboard). I realized later, that was not correct. Yikes.
When I got my period, my mom called my grandmother to tell her, and my grandmother sent me a congratulations card. I was mortified at the time, but now I think it was cute.
@artichokey - I did the same thing! My mom bought me some b/c we were going on vacation and told me to follow the directions, she even gave me a little rundown. I remember thinking, "damn these things are uncomfortable" I told her I didn't like that I could feel it in there and the cardboard kept poking me. She quickly corrected me and sent me back to the bathroom.
Never had the sex talk with my parents! I think it's better than we didn't. My mother sat me down to talk about my period and I was horrified enough. I think we had a brief talk about it in health class... and I also had a family member that got pregnant at a very young age, etc... so I think my parents trusted that I knew NOT to do that.. LOL
We never had a talk til after I had sex (when I was 18). I went to her and told her I wanted to be on birth control and that started it.LOL Man, for someone who had no sex talk, my butt knew at 18 I wasn't trying to birth no babies anytime soon.LMAO
Never had the talk either. I vaguely remember discovering the pad drawer in the bathroom when I was young. My older sister laughed with mom and called them "lady diapers."
That was about it until middle school, when we were dragged en masse to this learning center in the city. There, they told me I would bleed painfully from the crotch every month, develop pimples, and start to smell bad. They passed out baggies with deoderant samples and a single pad.
When I got home from that awful experience, mom asked me if I had any question. Hells no I don't have any questions! Who knows what I'd find out if I asked questions! She'd already told me I had to get a six inch needle in the butt if I ever got pregnant. (I think it was around this time that I decided I would be single for the rest of my life and never have children. Ha. My mom was clever, wasn't she?)
After that, I educated myself on sex/sexuality. I plan on being much gentler and proactive about The Talk with my future children. I wish my mom had told me more beforehand. It would have been so much better than the inadequate, impersonal learning center experience.
This basically sums up any type of sex-related talk between my mother and I, which only occured once when I was 14:
Mom: If you kiss a boy you will get HIV and die.
Thanks Mom; you's da best.
I was in 4th grade when i got the talk. I remember being mortified because i asked her what oral sex was. and the idea was totally sick to me! haha! It was very clinical/medical/this-is-how-babies-are-made. I was taught that sex, and anything sexual, with someone you weren't married with, was disgusting, slutty, and a sin. I never got WHY people do it, except to have babies. My mom always made a point of talking about slutty girls negatively. And how all men just wanna get in your pants. So i never had a very positive image of people in relationships. I thought all boys wanted your goods! Oh and I was told a few times if i got pregnant in high school (funny, cuz i wasn't even interested in boys yet!), she'd make me have an abortion. Honestly I think she was freaked out bcause her sister's kid was a major wild child (married at 16, kid at 18, 25....so i'm sure it was fresh in her mind!)--and she's about 10 years older than me, so I'm sure she was using a scare tactic =]
Interestingly enough, when i went on birth control and my mom figured out i was sleeping with DH at 19 in college, she was supportive. My parents handled the drinking stuff the way danadelphia's mom did...they knew they couldn't force me to not drink. as a result, I didn't go bonkers in college. So I plan on handling this the same way. I don't want my kids to think i'm encouraging them to have sex necessarily, but I want them educated about it. And hopefully wait until they are out of high school, lol.
I had the first "talk" when I was 8 years old and it was explicit!!!!! I then knew what sex was... and i think that the "talk" was the same talk when I found out Santa wasn't real!!!! LOL My older brother kept asking questions!
When I got put on birth control at 13 (for medical reasons) my mom then had another "talk" with me. Letting me know that she wants me to wait to have sex with someone I love because it is special. But that she doesn't think it is realistic to wait until marriage as people are getting married later and later in life. She also told me that she had only ever had sex with my father but they did it before they were married.
I am so glad she was this open with me. It really gave me a realistic outlook on sex and I waited until I was in love (18). I will probably take the same approach with my children!
@MrsPinkPeony: Yay! I'm not alone! I remember thinking, 'If the cotton part inside is the absorbent part, what is the cardboard doing there?' I think it was seeing a commercial on tv of the 'expansion' of tampex that finally clicked for me.
I think we never had an explicit talk. I mean my dad was like "if you're going to have sex, get on the pill" and then when I went on the pill to regulate my period he got all pissed and thought I was having sex (which by the way, I was not), some derogatory terms were thrown at me--definitely not a good parent. Filed under the category of how not to parent...
I found out when I was three and walked in on my mother in bed with the insurance salesman. You can't make this stuff up.
"It only takes one drip."
That was the extent of the sex talk, it was all about preventing pregnancy, not about not having sex.
That phrase has stayed with me throughout my entire life, and I remember her saying the same thing to my brother a couple years after me.
"It only takes one drip." /shudder
In retrospect, I didn't have sex in high school, but it sort of seems like she was just figuring I'd do it anyway. Huh.
Umm I learned about BASIC sex ed in 4th (4th!!) grade. Then the actual "learning" stuff in health in 6th and 8th grade. My parents NEVER talked to me about sex. Everything I learned was from school.
My mum passed away when I was 9, and I'm not sure that she or my dad talked to me about sex before that age, though they were not at all religious so I'm sure they had tried to have child-friendly discussions with me about it while I was still pretty young.
Anyway, when I was in 6th grade my older sister tried to talk with me about puberty and the awkwardness of adolescence, but I got horribly uncomfortable and told her to save it til I was a bit older. At that point I felt I knew what I needed to know at my age and really didn't want to have that sort of discussion with my sister.
After I had started having sex (at about 16), my sister asked me if I was sexually active and I said yes, and so she made me make an appointment with my doctor to start on the Pill. I think she ended up telling my dad, too, and I don't remember what he said I just think he was glad I wasn't going to end up pregnant anytime soon. However, after my stepmom found out I was having sex, she freaked out and her and my dad ended up lecturing me, saying that I had no idea the gravity of the situation and that if I got pregnant they wouldn't be paying for the abortion, basically.
Luckily I never became pregnant, but having my dad and stepmom freak out at me like that didn't stop me from having sex. I did learn that I would never do that to my own children, and that I would make sure whoever I ended up having children with wouldn't react in that way either.
@Mrs.KMM: I have that book also!! My parents bought it for me when I think I was 10 or so.
I don't remember ever having 1 specific talk, but rather a series of talks throughout my childhood each of which were more or less geared to my age at the time. The were always tasteful and informative; I don't remember being mortified at all. My public school also had a very informative sex-ed semester.
@danadelphia: My mom said the exact same thing about drinking and driving.
I grew up on a farm, so sex was just part of the discussion I guess.
When I was about 5 years old though, we were out to eat and my mom took me to the restroom. There were those 25 cent sanitary pad dispenses and it said "napkin." I asked my mom why anyone would pay 25 cents for a napkin if you could just get one in the restaurant at the table. So she told me they were special napkins. When we got back to the table, I told my dad that the restroom had "special napkins." They had a good laugh and I didn't understand for a few years why. 
heh... I didn't have a "talk" with my parents. Only a note asking if I wanted tampons or pads! gee, thanks mom. :P Despite my questions (from commercials on TV) I kept being told "you'll learn in school". greaaaat.
However, the "how babies are born" was kinda obvious 'cause we also lived on a farm with a few animals (pigs, cats, chickens, etc), so I had the basics down and it didn't phase me when we learned in school.
My FI and I have already decided when it's time, we'll talk to the kids about it. Probably when they start learning in school, lol. Or when they start asking. (My son already knows the stork doesn't bring babies and they aren't born in a cabbage patch! LOL!)
I never got the talk. My Mom is pretty awkward about sex but I'm discovering more and more that my Dad isn't. I think we left it up to comprehensive sex ed in school and my Grandma who used proper termonology for anatomy.
Well my mom one time had a conversation that went something like:
Mom: what do you think the act of sex is
Brother: When two people dance really really close together and then the mom ends up pregnant
I don't remember what i said but it was really awkward. I think my mom expected me to know what sex was all about.
In my family though sex was always a very "evil" thing to talk about in public. Every time sex was mentioned on tv or a movie they would flip the channel or turn it off. And joking about it was definately NOT ok. My mom told me that I was "unpure" if I even thought about boys in the wrong way. They gave me a purity ring when I was sixteen (even though I really deidn't want one or ask for one) and they gave one to my brother when he turned around the same age.
This whole topic was always very hard on me because when I actually had my period for the first time and I called her upstairs to tell her she told me that I was behind in school and if I didn't catch up she wouldn't "consider me a woman" and she wouldn't tell any of my family members. I just felt at the time like that was the rite of passage thing to do. One time I admitted to her I had a problem with masterbating she said that masterbating was wrong and I shouldn't ever do it. I should save that stuff for my husband.
I'm really sorry if this post offended anyone. I guess these are things I haven't really shared with anyone. Thanks for reading if you did!
@MrsPinkPeony: speaking of the whole tampon thing I thought the cardboard stayed in too and I actually did leave it in the whole day the first time I wore one. OUCH!!
I have the pleasure (seriously, it's great...just not in this case) of having two sets of parents, so I got the sex talk x2.
I think my dad and stepmum handled it by getting me a POP UP (!) book when I was about 9 or 10. It included pop ups of male and female anatomy (separately, and also engaged in intercourse - quite graphic!). They also bought me a book called Period: A Girl's Guide that talked all about puberty, what to expect etc. This was prompted by me watching an episode of The Cosby Show when Rudy got her period and then asking my dad (totally innocently) what a period was. He stammered away and eventually told me that it was something I should talk about with my stepmum. Then the books appeared in my room!
As for my mum and stepdad..I remember the first incident vividly. I was in grade 6 and had a Health test coming up (we were in the sex ed unit of the course). My mum read that in my planner and automatically flew into college professor mode (she teaches medical radiation technology and therefore has a vast knowledge of anatomy, physiology, pathology etc.). She grabbed one of her textbooks and insisted on reviewing it in detail with me. I locked myself in the bathroom and she read the book to me through the door. I was MORTIFIED!
My mum and I had another sex talk when I was 18 and had moved away to university. My boyfriend was coming to visit me and my mum kept telling me she was worried. I tried to dodge the issue by playing dumb about what she was worried about. This prompted her to basically yell, "I'M WORRIED ABOUT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!" My roommates (at the time) and I still laugh about that line to this day (and for the record...that weekend did end up being my first time).
The only real talk we had was after an episode of the Cosby show where Rudy got her period. Other than that it was more abstract. My grandma was more of a stickler for using correct anatomy terminology.
My mom though made it very clear that she thought that people who used flirtiness or sex in manipulative or deceitful ways were bad. And while she expressed that it should be something for marriage and not something she thought was right just to do for the fun of it before marriage (all said not so directly) she also expressed that she thought some people's view of virginity, especially female virginity, made it like a false idol that they worship just like some people worship money.
So I guess it was more philosphy than mechanics that I got.
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