Post # 1
Please don’t flame me. This is an honest question. I will give lots of background/explanation.
FI is well established and in his late 30’s, I am in my late 20’s and also very self reliant. This is the first marriage for each of us.
We are getting married in a small town that is an inconvenience for my guests. It will require about 2 hours travel for most and is an hr from accommodations. The venue for our ceremony can only hold 120 so we are inviting only our family and closest friends to the ceremony and supper and approx another 200+ to our wedding dance only. This is not uncommon in our area. In our province cash bars are the norm, but we will be having a full open bar for the whole evening(very uncommon here).
Since I will require 2 sets of invitations, I am unsure how to word. I do not want the people who arE just invited to the dance to feel that their invitation is a ‘giftgrab’, so FI wants to put ‘your presence is your gift’ on the invitations. I feel that if we do that we MUST do it for both sets of invitations.
We truly do not need anything, and we do just want the people we love to share our day with us, BUT I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about getting wedding gifts. Again -please don’t flame me. If we put your presence is your gift, will we still get gifts? I say highly unlikely, and FI says we absolutely will.
Any inputwill be very appreciated. I know etiquette says to never mention gifts. My geographic area does not get very hung up on etiquette though….
Post # 3
i feel like saying ‘your prescence is your gift’ is a little tacky to be honest – that makes me feel like it IS a gift grab.
My wedding is the same deal, wedding is in ON, guests coming from NL, NB, NS and AB as well as a few other places. These people are spending a lot of money to come to our wedding. I do not expect these people to bring me gifts (but i secretly hope that they do…who doesn’t like presents!?!).
I would leave any reference to gifts of your invites competely, people will do what they want regardless.
Post # 4
I think people will ignore that and do what they would have done regardless. However, I will say that I think it’s “rude” to mention gifts on your invites. Do you have a wedding website? I would put that on your wedding website and also put your registry at the same time and let people do what they want with that info.
Post # 5
@futuremrsk18: We will not have a wedding website, and since we we’re planning to say something like I’d said above, I had no intentions of registering. I thought it would look strange to say your presence is your gift and then register for gifts lol
Post # 6
Not flaming you, but I personally don’t agree with having 80+ (or, if I’m reading what you wrote properly… 200+) guests not invited to the ceremony. It does read as a giftgrab, especially in that context.
Post # 7
If I was close with you, I’d still get you whatever I had planned before receiving the invite that said “no gifts.”
However, if I didn’t know you as well, I’d either just get a card or small gift. I’d only do that because I wouldn’t know how you’d react to receiving a gift when you asked for none (you know how there are some people who’d be offended or annoyed with even a gracious thing like that—silly), so if I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t want to possibly tick you off. 🙂
Post # 8
You’re going to get a lot of different answers not only based on what people would personally do, but on their etiquette know-how. I’m by no means an etiquette snob, so here goes:
If I got a card like that, it definitely wouldn’t at all impact what I would give as a gift. If I had previously planned to give the couple a nice check, I would still do that. I might think it was a nice gesture for the couple to say that, but it doesn’t negate the fact that as a guest I would feel the need to give my well-wishes to the couple in the form of a gift.
Then again, I some people around the hive don’t seem to agree here and they would literally show up empty handed, which I just think is honestly the most odd thing. You shouldn’t give a gift because you think it is or is not a requested by the couple. You should give a gift because that is what you do when you care about somebody.
If I were you, I probably wouldn’t put anything in the invites just in case.
Post # 9
I agree with PPs that it’s better to put it on the website than in the actual invite. Try to avoid any reference to gifts in the actual, printed invitations.
Both times that I’ve been told “your presence is the gift” (personally, by the bride) I’ve given a small gift anyway. Once I took an ex-pat bride’s favorite US board game to her in Europe because I knew she missed it. I like to gift, and having the bride say it’s not necessary makes me feel good, but I still like to give a little something.
Post # 10
@shaka: I understand, I think that will be a common reaction amongst bees. Not trying to justify our plans (just explaining), but here, (geographically and our social circle), this is how 90% of the weddings are. A smaller group to the ceremony and supper, a large (cabaret style) dance that almost 100% of the time has a cash bar.
It has bothered me from the beginning, however our ceremony space is a non-negotiable, it is a small church that has been attended by both my family and FIs family for generations. It holds a lot of sentimental value for us and I just cant imagine being married anywhere else. However with HUGE families, this doesnt get us very far down our guest list.
Post # 11
@MsGinkgo: great to hear from a bee in a similar situation. without mentioning anything regarding gifts in the invites, do you have any recommendations for how we can invite people to our cabaret-style dance without them feeling that it is a gift-grab?
Im honestly close to the point where I say screw inviting all these people I want to share my day with because I dont want them to feel that they have to give us a gift – and it is poor ettiquette to say that so its easier to just not deal with it. Id love a solution because Im lost
Post # 12
I would say no to putting anything about gifts on the invitation.
Personally, I think you should just not worry about finding a solution. I think most people enjoy giving gifts to people they love and will give only what they want/can afford.
Post # 13
@spicyshimmer: thanks! haha I am known for worrying about EVERYTHING and I am just agonizing over this!
Post # 14
@Honey-Bee: Please don’t write that on the invitation.
Some guests will honour your request, and then feel crappy when they show up and see a table full of gifts. Others will not honour your request, but you’ve already told them that no matter what they give it won’t be appreciated.
It is confusing to everyone.
I would also ask you to reconsider a tiered reception. If it is actually 2 hours away I can’t imagine many dance only guests to make it out.
Post # 15
If the only problem is the small venue, why aren’t you inviting all of your guests to the full reception? The small ceremony venue shouldn’t have an impact on how many people you can feed. I’d be put off as a B-list guest that you fed 120 people and then invited 200 additional people to the dance portion.
I don’t think you should write anything about gifts on the invitation — I doubt the guests only invited to the dance will bring large gifts anyway.
Post # 16
Etiquette states that your invitations should make no reference whatsoever to gifts — even to mention their absence.