(Closed) Your relationship is no better or worse than mine!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Understand and appreciate your post, but I must just throw this out there.  This particular waiting board is on a message board called Wedding Bee.  This board is mostly about weddings, and life after weddings.  There’s absolutely a life BEFORE weddings, but you’re reaching a community that is mostly comprised of people who are either planning a wedding, or living as married.   You’re bound to get a skewed opinion because of this, just like if you went to a road cycling website that had a mountain biking segment, but everyone responded to your mountain bike question from a road cycling perspective.  Does that make ANY sense? 

Everyone’s entiteled to their own opinions, of course, but you MUST consider your audience before you get upset with the answers.

 

Know what I mean? 

Post # 4
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think the same can be said for anything where someone feels that their SO is “better”. I know I have gotten a handful of comments from people over FH’s lack of involvment in wedding planning. Someone sent me a PM which basically said, “maybe you should reexamine your relationship since obviously your SO doesn’t seem to care about whats important”. I laughed it off because REALLY? Some stranger is going to make those kind of judgements? It’s like me saying people that had engagements happen really quickly means that they were proposed to by a desperate pathetic needy person who was seeking validation. Seriously its looney talk!

Post # 5
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Whew, did you take a breath when you wrote this? I’m just playing. 🙂

Very interesting points. I especially agree with the “Well if he’s not proposing, it’s something you did” sentiment.
Ridiculous!

Hopefully those girls in those relationships understand their relationships and know their partner very well. Online, us WB members can only know so much about a person. We only talk to them online, but have no idea how they act in 99.9% of the time we’re not there!

Post # 6
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Kristengettingmarried: Very excellent point! That’s something I did not consider.

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@KristenGotMarried: 100% agree with you.

@LaurenK0105: People respond to the posts based on the limited information in the post. Of course we dont know the SO as well as his girl knows him, we only know the little that she tells us about him. So if she is frustrated with him at the time she types up the post and only tells us the things he is doing wrong, dont be surprised if we judge him based on that.

Post # 9
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I never knew people on here had that opinion…but obviously since you’ve encountered it I can see where your fustrations would come from.

Perhpas bees are telling you this bc you are upset that your SO hasn’t propsed yet and they are agreeing with your fustrations? (I havn’t read any of your previous posts so I may be off in left field.)

 

Post # 10
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think it is 100% ok to not believe in marriage, or to not be sure that you want to sign on to “marriage the institution.”   A lot of people are also on the young side and/or in school and just aren’t ready yet.  I’ve never seen anyone say anything negative about the guys in those types of situations. 

But, if someone posts about how they want to get married more than anything, have been with their SO for years, are 30+ and want to start having kids soon…  In that case, I think the kind of advice you are speaking out against might be warranted.  If you are with a guy who doesn’t like marriage the institution, and you do, I’d say you have a choice to make.

Post # 12
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@LaurenK01505 –   OMG – Thank you so much for writing this.  We have been together since we were 19, and I feel like a bit of a freak on here at times because here we are in our early 30s and he’s just beginning to feel positive about getting married, even though he’s told me repeatedly it’s not about ME, it’s about his fears, his resistance to actions he sees as meaning he’s “old”, his general anxiety disorder and so forth.  We have made ith thtough things together living AS married but without the recognition, protection or many of the benefits from BEING married that would have torn other couples I know apart. 

Meanwhile I see posts from ladies who are pretty young, and who are stressed their BF doesn’t know is he wants to get after only 6 months. Everyone feels nervous and frustration when you’re ready for something and your partner isn’t, but I think the “Gimmie a ring by year #2 or I walk” attitude (that’s how many guys see it) does nothing for pleading the case for the majority of women out there.  It just backs up the idea that we just want a sperm/money donor and really don’t care who it is.  Again, I know this isn’t true, but that IS how it is made to look on TV, in movies, and most people know at least second-hand one girl who honestly IS a gold-digger looking for a fat alimony check.  This just damages the ability of real, honest, earnest ladies who want that commitment – you push too hard, it sounds to the guy like an ultimatum, and ultimatums to men sound like it’s about a rock, not a lifetime. 

“So what if my SO met “the one” half a decade or more before he would be ready for marriage?  My SO’s feelings towards Marriage the Institution are very different than his feelings and love for Me.  It took me a while to understand this but I’ve heard it straight from the horse’s mouth and can now see where his delay has come from.” 

I came on this site because it was nice to find a little corner of the internet where other women were able to speak openly about their feelings of hope, sadness, inadequacy, and, yes, jealousy, regarding their desires for engagements, the engagements and marriages of others, and to be able to vent things that said at home would only self-sabotage themselves by being naggers about the subject.

It’s bad enough that people who know us in RL can give us even a joking, kind-hearted hard time about not being married (which of course only makes things worse, makes him feel like an ass and makes me feel I’m some sort of defective woman), but the you-should-know-about-marriage-by-two-years doesn’t work for everyone, especially in today’s environment of longer relationships starting in college and men not feeling ready till around 30 when they are more stable financially and emotionally.

So such advice of, “he must not really love you, you should leave, girlfriend” is really easy to give out, but in my opinion, it just hurts them more.  According to Mr. Bee, when the lady starts to doubt the relationship thanks to family, friends and her own expectations about when it’s “right” to be married and when is too long, the guy feels her pulling away, feels her dissatisfaction, and who wants to marry someone who isn’t happy in the relationship? 

I’ve found some really helpful ladies on this site, some who seem to honesty understand what I am dealing with with my BF’s handicap of anxiety, and how I could stay 15 years with him without a ring on my hand and a piece of paper letting me use his last name.  I am about 85-99% percent happy in the relationship most days, but I needed this site to help me through all the weddings gong on around me (11 this year) I still have hope that we’ll make it there some day, and plan to stay even if not.

I understand and accept that to some that sounds looney, but it sounds nuts to me to say, “I love you enough to want to spend my life with you and have children with you and grow old with you…. BUT if we’re not married in a year I’m going to leave your ass and find another XY chromosome to do the above with, see ya.”  That almost seems bi-polar to me, personally, but I know it’s something some women need to do. 

i want the ceremony an the words, and yes, I admit I DO want a ring to wear on my hand, but I know that’s not all there is, and I’ll continue lurk and post on WB, as it’s been really helpful on those bad days when PMS makes the fact that I might be forever waiting really hard.  After all the friends and family get their weddings done with in the next year or so, I might not need this site as much, but for now, I’m very much feeling like the blackball in the pile of white marbles, and I NEED a place to vent, as do we all.

Post # 15
Member
14316 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

These waiting post are one sided.  The woman is here to vent and voicing the negatives of the relationship and why she may still be waiting.  People reading it are obviously goign to hone in on that, and key in on the possibility of the negatives of why he is waiting.  Its hard to read a vent and then go, oh it sounds like hes going to propose soon.  A waiting vent is going to trigger negative thoughts on why he may be stalling… its just an idea.  I dont think anyone is pourposely belitting anyones relationship based solely on the fact they are waiting.  But if you come to vent and voice the negatives, you are going to get people who will respond to that.

Post # 16
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@LaurenK0105: “it’s very wrong to insist that the only reason a man would stall in proposing is because something must be wrong with the girlfriend.”

That’s about all that I agree with in your rant.

“Marriage an institution vs. loving and wanting to marry you”. Something about that argument is largely unsettling. My ex of 10+ years and then another for 2.5 years both were not the marrying type. Despite of loving me and wanting to marry me, they are now still unmarried even after I’ve broken up with them years ago.

There are men out there who simply aren’t the marrying type. They can only be in love with you. They won’t marry you.

This is not to say that your bf falls under that same umbrella, but sometimes you have to weigh in your pros and cons. Do you want to marry and start a family sooner rather than later, or do you simply want a guy to stay in love with you and like the idea of marrying you, but not actually doing it? How long will you wait? Something’s gotta give. The relationship is unfair to both parties when they are not looking at marriage from the same lens.

Why is marriage so scary in this day and age? This was not the case in our parents years and before. Guys WANTED to get married and have a family back then! How did this change?

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