@LaurenK01505 – OMG – Thank you so much for writing this. We have been together since we were 19, and I feel like a bit of a freak on here at times because here we are in our early 30s and he’s just beginning to feel positive about getting married, even though he’s told me repeatedly it’s not about ME, it’s about his fears, his resistance to actions he sees as meaning he’s “old”, his general anxiety disorder and so forth. We have made ith thtough things together living AS married but without the recognition, protection or many of the benefits from BEING married that would have torn other couples I know apart.
Meanwhile I see posts from ladies who are pretty young, and who are stressed their BF doesn’t know is he wants to get after only 6 months. Everyone feels nervous and frustration when you’re ready for something and your partner isn’t, but I think the “Gimmie a ring by year #2 or I walk” attitude (that’s how many guys see it) does nothing for pleading the case for the majority of women out there. It just backs up the idea that we just want a sperm/money donor and really don’t care who it is. Again, I know this isn’t true, but that IS how it is made to look on TV, in movies, and most people know at least second-hand one girl who honestly IS a gold-digger looking for a fat alimony check. This just damages the ability of real, honest, earnest ladies who want that commitment – you push too hard, it sounds to the guy like an ultimatum, and ultimatums to men sound like it’s about a rock, not a lifetime.
“So what if my SO met “the one” half a decade or more before he would be ready for marriage? My SO’s feelings towards Marriage the Institution are very different than his feelings and love for Me. It took me a while to understand this but I’ve heard it straight from the horse’s mouth and can now see where his delay has come from.”
I came on this site because it was nice to find a little corner of the internet where other women were able to speak openly about their feelings of hope, sadness, inadequacy, and, yes, jealousy, regarding their desires for engagements, the engagements and marriages of others, and to be able to vent things that said at home would only self-sabotage themselves by being naggers about the subject.
It’s bad enough that people who know us in RL can give us even a joking, kind-hearted hard time about not being married (which of course only makes things worse, makes him feel like an ass and makes me feel I’m some sort of defective woman), but the you-should-know-about-marriage-by-two-years doesn’t work for everyone, especially in today’s environment of longer relationships starting in college and men not feeling ready till around 30 when they are more stable financially and emotionally.
So such advice of, “he must not really love you, you should leave, girlfriend” is really easy to give out, but in my opinion, it just hurts them more. According to Mr. Bee, when the lady starts to doubt the relationship thanks to family, friends and her own expectations about when it’s “right” to be married and when is too long, the guy feels her pulling away, feels her dissatisfaction, and who wants to marry someone who isn’t happy in the relationship?
I’ve found some really helpful ladies on this site, some who seem to honesty understand what I am dealing with with my BF’s handicap of anxiety, and how I could stay 15 years with him without a ring on my hand and a piece of paper letting me use his last name. I am about 85-99% percent happy in the relationship most days, but I needed this site to help me through all the weddings gong on around me (11 this year) I still have hope that we’ll make it there some day, and plan to stay even if not.
I understand and accept that to some that sounds looney, but it sounds nuts to me to say, “I love you enough to want to spend my life with you and have children with you and grow old with you…. BUT if we’re not married in a year I’m going to leave your ass and find another XY chromosome to do the above with, see ya.” That almost seems bi-polar to me, personally, but I know it’s something some women need to do.
i want the ceremony an the words, and yes, I admit I DO want a ring to wear on my hand, but I know that’s not all there is, and I’ll continue lurk and post on WB, as it’s been really helpful on those bad days when PMS makes the fact that I might be forever waiting really hard. After all the friends and family get their weddings done with in the next year or so, I might not need this site as much, but for now, I’m very much feeling like the blackball in the pile of white marbles, and I NEED a place to vent, as do we all.