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My relationship with my mum is complicated. For a long time my mum was a single mum and I was definately mummy's little girl. Our mother-daughter relationship was more like a equal friendship, and it worked well for us. For a long time she was my best friend. Then around 5 years ago she met her current partner (my mum is a lesbian), and everything changed. Suddenly I wasn't her best friend anymore, because she had her partner, and I was just her daughter again. She started asking me to stay with my dad more even though i hate my step mum, sold the house I'd lived in for 17 years and moved to a smaller house closer to the city, and then expected me to keep to myself in my room. Eventually they decided to do IVF, and I moved out of home to get away from the stress. When they got pregnant they packed up my room and turned it into a nursery. I feel very much replaced by the baby, and I'm in therapy trying to find coping methods. We still see each other weekly, but she is so wrapped up in the newborn, that there is no excitement or support for my engagement. Its hard, and I really miss her.
I love my relationship with my mother!
She treats me as an adult and as her friend not her child and that's the way I want it to be!
I talk to my mom almost every day just to chat and I wouldn't have it any other way!
She is one of my best friends!
I think it's awesome that you and your mom have worked through any conflict that you have had, and that you look so positively on your relationship moving forward and growing!
My mom and I have a really good relationship. Yeah there are times when we get on each others nerves but for the most part we have a great relationship and I don't know what I would do without her, especially through this wedding planning process.
@Roux- Wow, I am so sorry to hear you have been feeling replaced. That must be so difficult and you are a strong woman to be able to cope with that. I am glad that you are in therapy though, I hope that is helpful. Hopefully your mom will be able to make room for you (as she should). That must be so hard.
@futureMM- that sounds awesome. I would love to have more of a friendship with my mom. I think we will have that in time. Has your mom always treated you as an adult (in your adult life)? How long have you had such a strong friendship with your mom?
@shayd- thanks :) I am glad we have been able to evolve too. It is SO helpful to have a mom who wants to be fully involved in wedding planning! We are lucky!
My mother and I... Well, it's complicated.
I love my mom. There's no doubt of that. But I am a emotional person and my mother, well, isn't. She is not comfortable with great highs of emotion nor is she "touchy-feely" and she can't understand why in the world I am so "high strung". What totally cracks me up is that among my circle of friends and in comparison to my children's friend's parents I am probably one of the least emotional/physical/hands-on/whatever.
I think if she wasn't my mother - if I just met her on the street - we'd get along. We wouldn't be best buds but there would definately be respect on both sides. I try to remember that when we're at odds :)
@Rosie - I am 27 and I moved out when I was 19. During undergrad (19-23) we started developing our friendship but we didn't talk as much as we do now. It took some time to build the friendship and for her to stop being 'a mom' in that she wanted control over what I did. I would just tell her she was stepping over the line and she would back off. Ever since then (~23) we have had this wonderful friendship!
I have a very difficult relationship with my mom. My moving out has been good for us, but we're a long way from the ideal relationship. I'm an only child, and she was very scared of a lot when I was growing up. So she was very overprotective and sometimes very hard to reason with and illogical. To the extent where they required that I get a job at 16, but then she would yell and cry about how I was never home. She swore up and down that I should be able to work 5-10 hour weeks, and that it was my fault I was scheduled for more hours. Same type of thing when I went off to college... we're not paying for you, but why are you too busy to call me/spend more time with me (even though I see her every other weekend.) It's been tough because my parents have very different mindsets than I do, and we don't see eye to eye. I think that they expect me to be perfect sometimes, and one person just can't fulfill that. Wedding planning itself hasn't been bad, though.
My mom is awesome, hands down. Definitely treats me more like a friend than a daughter now that i'm an adult, and sometimes gives out unsolicited, dumb advice, but hey, I can't complain. We are besties. My relationship with my mom really makes me want to have a daughter and hopefully have the same bond with her.
@Serya- I agree that if my mom was not my mom I would still like her as a person. It is nice to be able to like your mom for who she is as a person, especially when you have a complicated relationship. I can totally empathise with that.
@lilyfaith- I remember posts you have written on your mom before. I am so sorry that you have such a confusing relationship with her. It's hard to cope when your mom is the one who doesnt know what she wants. It's easy to feel torn. I'm an only child too and there can be SO much pressure to be everything they want you to be. Being able to move beyond that is so healthy and I am glad that you have found balence in your own life.
@ejs4y8 and futureMM- you guys are so lucky! It has been about 6 months since my mom has backed off from feeling the need to "protect" me. It is so validating to be able to tell her things and not be afraid of getting a lecture or unsolicited advice all the time. I really admire you ladies for being able to form close friendships with your moms! It sounds like you have found the balence!
I get along well with my mom now and I enjoy her company, even though I don't get to see her that often. She lives several states away.
However, I've never felt like my mom was very motherly, for lack of a better word. Without giving specific examples, I'll just say I was an "accident" and my parents were not married when I was born. Unfortunately I think that this fact was apparent in many aspects of my life when I was growing up.
I think my mom is a good person and we have a good relationship, but I definitely did not experience the same type of upbringing with my mother from others that I have known. She was certainly far from the smothering, over-concerned and babying mother type.
My mom is one of my best friends. She really is.
BUT, it's a very complicated relationship:
1. We're polar opposites and cannot stand to be with each other longer than 5-6 days tops. Otherwise, we start bickering and fighting about stupid stuff (she's incredibly messy, and I'm neat and tidy).
2. My mom made some mistakes when we were little. Nothing traumatizing, and every mother makes mistakes, but I sometimes find myself resenting her slightly for them at times. I also know this is my own problem.
3. When it comes down to it, I love my mom, and couldn't imagine my life without her. She's always been there for my sister and I (she was/is a single mom), and she the very best she could. I admire her in a lot of ways, and she makes me laugh like no one else can.
Mine and my mom's relationship has always been very strong. Don't get me wrong, we've had our arguments and I'm sure I'm to blame for the majority of her gray hairs, but we're really good friends and are close. I'm thankful that we have such a tight bond. I know I can tell her/ask her anything, which is comforting. She's been a fantastic mom and I couldn't be more thankful for her :]
My relationship with my mom has always been very shaky...
Don't get me wrong. I love her so much and respect her, and I know that she loves me too. But I feel like the love that she gives is conditional in some ways. She is very rigid and very concerned with appearances. So much so that growing up I had so many issues because of how hyper critical she was of me and how I presented myself in the public eye. Mind you I am a professional and never got into any major trouble with the law..just little things like..you should talk to people like this,, you should eat at the table like this..I"m sure everyone has little issues like that with their mom, and I learned to respect her as a person, and realize she is just that..a person..who is imperfect. I am very sad though, because it seems like just as we got to a point where we had a decent relationship this wedding has really pulled us further apart. Besides my dress and the venue I have had no say in anything having to do with the wedding, which I didn't complain about because I am not paying. But now she is creating so much drama with everything from trying to control the rehersal dinner, and even details having to do with the groomsmen..and when I voice my opinion to her she feels that I am taking my fiance's side or my inlaws side. I am so thankful that I have a sister who is supportive of me and understands exactly what I'm going through. But, I am sad because I want to have a relationship that is great with my mom, but I can't. So I just focus on the fact that I love her, she gave birth to me, and one day she will be gone and I will miss her. And so I always respect her and love her. But honestly I feel that her need to seem like she is following proper protocol, or to appear good to other people superceeds her love for me.
@Rosiebear - aw, thanks! I think if I remember correctly we had some things in common, right? Honestly, at this point the ball is in my court! I need to forgive and forget and start fresh. It can just be a hard thing to do. It's so much easier to remember the negative things than the positive ones, but that's not fair!
My mom and I have a rocky relationship. We rarely got along when I was growing up due to her personal issues and taking out her anger and unhappiness on my brothers and I. There was substantial emotional abuse from her when I was a child, and I caught the brunt of it because I was the youngest. I was a very sensitive kid who was a people-pleaser...not a good combination. She finally went on some medication many years later, and I moved out of the house. We get along better when we are separated, but I recently moved back to my hometown after 7 years (to get married and start a life here!!) and our issues are starting up again. She has a hard time seeing me as an adult because she missed out on being a mother during my childhood, so she tries to make up for that now...when it is entirely unappreciated and unnecessary. I think at this point she isn't sure how to treat me because she sees her friends being "friends" with their daughters but she can't figure out how to do that with me. She is a very selfish person who has a hard time seeing anything from a different point of view, but I love her and I know that she loves me in her own way. It's a slow process, but I think we are on the road to recovery...I just have to be the bigger person in all situations due to her immaturity, which is a challenge for me.
My mom and I have a rocky relationship. We rarely got along when I was growing up due to her personal issues and taking out her anger and unhappiness on my brothers and I. There was substantial emotional abuse from her when I was a child, and I caught the brunt of it because I was the youngest. I was a very sensitive kid who was a people-pleaser...not a good combination. She finally went on some medication many years later, and I moved out of the house. We get along better when we are separated, but I recently moved back to my hometown after 7 years (to get married and start a life here!!) and our issues are starting up again. She has a hard time seeing me as an adult because she missed out on being a mother during my childhood, so she tries to make up for that now...when it is entirely unappreciated and unnecessary. I think at this point she isn't sure how to treat me because she sees her friends being "friends" with their daughters but she can't figure out how to do that with me. She is a very selfish person who has a hard time seeing anything from a different point of view, but I love her and I know that she loves me in her own way. It's a slow process, but I think we are on the road to recovery...I just have to be the bigger person in all situations due to her immaturity, which is a challenge for me.
My mum and I are so blessed to have a great relationship and friendship. We've always been close and I definitely consider her a very close friend. I call her as soon as I get home from work every day and I look forward to sharing the details of my day with her. We go away together several weekends a year (we were in Michigan a couple weekends ago and will be in Quebec City at the end of the month) and love spending time together.
My parents split when I was sttill a baby and they had joint custody of me. I am so lucky that neither of them ever spoke ill of one another in front of me. My mum in particular has been fabulous about never pressuing me to spend more time with her than I do with my dad. Both my parents handled their split very maturely and put my best interests first.
I honestly can't imagine having a better relationship with my mum than we already do. I hope that I can have the same kind of relationship with my (future) children. I think the keys to our relationship are maturity, trust, respect and a shared sense of humour (that no one else understands!).
I am really interested by the vast differences we can expereince in our mother-daughter relationships. Though it seems as though the majority of women seek friendship with their mother later in life, regardless of childhood hardships. I wonder if this is cultural or biological. As lilyfaith stated, sometimes it is easier to remember the challenges that we faced then the good things, but it is true that it can be easier for us emotionally to forgive and move on. I have really found this with my mom, though I can remember many mistakes that she made as a mother, mistakes that effect me still today, I still love and accept her as the wonderful human and mother that she is. @S29, I am so sorry to hear that your mother was abusive to you as a child and that she now wishes to be a "mother" to you as an adult. You are a very strong person to be able to cope with that pain and move on from your past. Living in your hometown must bring up soooo much for you. @greenapples, your relationship with your mom sounds awesome! I'm sure you partially learned your sence of maturity, trust and respect from your parents, especially considering how well they handled their joint custody. I think that a lot of people can learn from that type of relationship :) Thats really awesome for you!
I often wonder how the mother-daughter dynamic can be different amongst single moms vs. partnered moms. I have SO much respect for single moms. That must take so much work, considering how difficult being a mom is in general.
Thank you all for sharing, your responces are to genuine and heartfelt!
My mother and I have a great relationship. When I was a teenager, she was always the first one I told things to. Nowadays, it's a little strained. I'm on the younger side, and she does not wholy agree with my getting married young. That has put a strain on our realtionship. That, plus the stress of all the planning and the fact that she's going through menopause has us at each others throats all the time. She is having some hormone issues and has become like the worst, moody, PMS teenager of all time. I'm not as bad as her, but I can't say i've been a ray of sunshine either.
@5292010 My mom sounds a lot like yours. My mom was always working when I was a kid, and we never had a typical mother-daughter relationship. I was never high on her priority list. Consequently, she doesn't know much about me. She still to this day doesn't know my college major. It's frustrating because she's still trying to treat me like a little kid, but at the same time is trying to force me to grow up (which I did, years ago - I've been living on my own for 3 years). I'm living on my own, and yet she still wants access to my bank account. I can't sit and have a conversation with her, especially not about the wedding, because she simply tells me I'm doing things wrong. It hurts, but I've finally realized that this is just how it is. My FH and I are moving 400 miles away in 2 months, and I can't wait!
My relationship with my mother.. well lets see.. what time of day is it? It seriously depends by the hour (and maybe even temperature and humidity who know..)
She has always been pretty narrow minded, parenting-wise. You have children, you get them to school, feed them, tell them to do homework, get to bed, rinse and repeat. We did have a couple of weekend trips with family and some piano lessons (that I didn't want) thrown in there somewhere in my childhood. Oh, and I did finally get my very own bicycle when I was 12 because I finally managed to be #1 in school.
Oooh yeah, its f-ed up, in Indonesia they rank you in school, it's all competition. none of that "do the very best you can" deal - it's "be the very best or you get nada"
She is a single mom and I think perhaps has abandonment issues. She made me sleep in the same bed with her until I was 14 eventhough there are 2 spare bedrooms I could have chosen as my own. But whatever, she was lonely I guess.. And this loneliness was, is, and always will be my fault. Apparently I'm the reason she couldn't remarry because she was afraid the new husband could be a pedophile and she had a young daughter.
I moved out when I was 17 and she is now lonely because of that. And so the guilt trip barely ever stops because I owe her everything because she paid for some of my college education. I don't know about other people, but I don't much appreciate having someone do something for me while being completely passive-agressive nasty about it for the rest of your life.
She was also pretty unsuportive during the wedding planning process - never once got excited about the whole thing from the first time I told her I was engaged to leaving the reception an hour early.
BUT... A lot of the times she makes me laugh. She is pretty, smart, and friendly (to strangers). And I do honestly believe that she loves me to death. Just does not quite know how to have a relationship with me. But if I'm ever in a tight spot, you better believe she will come to my rescue even take a bullet for me. And I would do the same.
It definitely helps though that, most of the time, she is thousands of miles away from me :)
I see a lot of similarities with some of you girls with my relationship with my mother. As much as I want to have a better relationship with my mom i know it's impossible. My mother is probably the most selfish individual i know. It hurts to say that she does not act like a mother. She is extremely messy and I am a neat freak. She has always been depressed. What made things worse was that my father passed away less than a year ago and this has made her more depressed. and dependent. and selfish. She hates it when i am not home (I will be living at home for another 2 years). When I ask her what her plans are for the night she says "what does it matter? it's not important to me". she expects everything from everyone. My fiance told me that when he told her he was going to propose in a room with my sister, my mom said "oh really? (to my sister) what came in the mail?"....and the other day i told her our wedding date she replied "ohh ok...so when youre married are you still going to help me pay off this loan?"..which i totally understand her concern with that but it's not the first thing you expect to hear to a mother of the bride when you tell her a date. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but I wish we had a healthier relationship
wheww...sorry for the rant! It's comforting to see other bees on here having similar relationships!
My mom and I are extremely alike which makes it hard to get along for extended periods :) Long distance it's great. Short phone calls every day, weekend visits every few months -- we get along swimmingly. But when it gets down to nitty gritty things, we're both so opinionated that it makes things difficult. Wedding planning has been tough sometimes. I'm looking forward to it being over and going back to not having to make decisions together.
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So I have noticed that many people have posted about their moms on these boards. I have really noticed my relationship with my Mom in the process of wedding planning. We had a long talk this weekend about our relationship and I am interested to hear how other people would describe their relationships. Share!
I love my mom so much and I have always felt deeply devoted to her. I admire her as a person and I think that, though she has made mistakes, she is an incredible mom. She has always made me feel loved and cared for and she gave me a great foundation to become my own person. At the same time, we have a complicated relationship. She has very mixed feelings about me growing up and moving away and has had difficulty with this in the past years. We have also struggled for my entire life over my weight issues (though she has finally backed off and told me that she thinks I am beautiful the way I am). Our relationship is constently changing and evolving, and though we have exprienced conflict, we have also experienced resolution. While my mom has told me she wishes we never had conflict, I feel that conflict is natural and healthy in the mother-daughter dynamic. I love my mom unconditionally, regardless of any pain we have caused one another. I am thankful for that.
What is your relationship with your Mom like? If she has passed or is no longer in your life, what was it like? What would you change? What do you love?