Post # 1
I am new and I am finding these boards very helpful, so thank you! : )
I would love to hear your thoughts on my situtaion. 1.5 ago I started dating a man very different from me. we live together now… I am very open, I speak my mind I am quick to anger and quick to forgive.
He is very non confrontational, hates arguing and quite often says nothing.
Him & his ex are both like that. they ended in a platonic relationship that he said never really had any passion and neither ever fought or communicated. she is a nice woman and he has stayed friends with her (which is good their are 2 kids involved)
He says he loves that he always knows what I am thinking, he loves the passion and he has never had so much fun with a woman.
However I think he love/hates me… I know. He says he likes it but now when we argue, sometimes stupid stuff, sometimes not he can’t get over it. It could be the silliest arguement and he will stay hurt for days… he shuts down and gets very distant.
when do you know to throw in the towel and when do you stick it out. I hate feeling like he loves me when all is good but if we have an argument, he goes from wanting to marry me to not sure we should be together. stressed!!
Post # 3
Communication is key. I would express your concerns that if he loves you so much for being honest with him when you fight that he should not hold it against you for days afterwards because his feelings get hurt. Sometimes we hurt the people we love the most with words. And sometimes we can love them even more by not saying anything at all.
That being said, I think that it is good that you tell him when your upset and angry etc. But I think that he needs to learn to do the same not just sit in silent giving you the silent guilt treatment.
That is the one thing with my Fiance that is so differnt from my exes. I used to sit in silence because I was afraid Id hurt their feelings and I was the one more hurt by their words and actions than my own. I have learned to tell my Fiance when he makes me mad or if I am worried or sad etc. I think it really depends on him on how he wants to go about handling the situation.
And as for you, you have to decide if you can handle the “silent treatment” from time to time or if you want someone that will possibly fight back and someone you can communicate with when you have a problem.
Post # 4
Yikes. I am much like you, from the sound of it. If something is upsetting me, I can’t NOT talk about it. I know that for me, if I was with someone and it felt like I couldn’t tell them when I was angry for fear of upsetting/hurting them, that would be trouble for me.
I agree that you should talk to your SO about this and lay it out just like you laid it out in your post for us to read.
I also think it’s a good time to really assess how you’re arguing with him. I know that I can sometimes veer a little too much into a non-productive style of arguing and say something hurtful without really meaning to. If you find that you’re like that, too, then it could be the hurtful, non-productive things you’re saying that are causing him to act that way. If that’s the case, then you can work on keeping your arguments fair. I wish I had a link to some really good resource for this, but I don’t. However, I know there are books and articles out there on this topic!
Post # 5
I think some major communication is needed… which sounds like he won’t like.
1. Having a discusison or asking/inquiring about something is NOT arguing. He needs to understand this.
2. The silent treatment is UNACCEPTABLE. <– the silent treatment has done wonderous damage on relationships and is not okay… definitely not as the “norm” anyways.
If he loves your openess then he needs to take note and start being a little more open himself… if he refuses to change this you may need to consider leaving the relationship… I mean, you can’t marry someone that refuses to communicate with you b/c that’s a NECCESSITY to getting through life together, making a home, and having a family.
You don’t expect him to read your mind so he shouldn’t make you read his.
Post # 6
Thanks!! Yes, I can veer to the not so nice side sometimes. I do try not to and don’t do it to often but I have on occasion. I find him very sensative & super easy to upset.
The other day I tried to explain to him, I was nice, that when we have an disagreement and once we have discussed it and worked it out I feel it should be over. I told him when we goes for days being cool with me he creates more problems.
He said he thinks we are the problem and he acts that way because he likes to think before he’s ready to talk. (he is still cool with me over a disagreement we had last Friday)
We argued at first, talked later when things cooled down reached an agreement at which point I thought it was over.
He said he is even more concerned that I think he is the problem for esculating small fights and making them more than they are.
He has suggested counselling, which is proabably a good idea.