Post # 1
I am having trouble dealing with other people’s reaction to our LDR. FH will be doing his residency 1.5 hours away. I know to some people it doesn’t even qualify as LDR. This will last 3 years or slightly less. I have my dream job, and a contract that I can’t leave for another year anyway. If I quit, we would still do LD for 1 year, and then I would work 2 years in a job that would not be nearly as good, and would be making half my income. We have a great house and the market is terrible. I have tons of family and friends here and love where I live, and don’t like the city where he will be working (I lived there previously and was thrilled to move back here). We are getting him an apartment that is only 1:15-1:20 away from my work. FH and I both think doing LDR and seeing each other on the weekends is a no-brainer.
Why then, are we getting so many people shocked that I am not moving? When I tell them we will be doing distance, many people question my marriage and act like we aren’t committed to each other.
The other thing that shocks me is that most of the people who don’t question my marriage then start pushing us to have kids. While annoying, I get that everyone wants to push married couples to have kids, but why would you push a couple to have kids when they don’t even live together? These people also know that FH’s job will be 70-80 hours/week for the next 3 years, then go down to 40-50.
What is wrong with people?
Post # 3
Not much to say except haters gonna hate. I tend to read sexism into that sort of comment–obviously if you were a good wife, you’d follow him, right? Or you’d pop out some babies to prove your commitment. 😉 But that’s at least in part due to my recent experiences of people’s reactions of FH giving up his job to come be with me.
1.5 hours sounds totally doable, especially when you consider that you probably wouldn’t be spending that much time together during the week anyway during his residency. It sounds like you’ve made the right decisions for the two of you and your relationship, so don’t let the bastards get you down.
Post # 4
Hmm.. I don’t see any “sexism” in those sorts of comments, and I think it would be really unfair to assume that these people are sexist for making a simple remark that many people would be apt to make.
Your situation is “unusual” — most married couples live together, most LDRs cease being LD after marriage. Anytime you are outside the norm, you will have people who are curious as to why you made the decision or how you made the decision.
For instance, I wouldn’t want to see my brand new husband only on the weekends. That doesn’t mean that you or I is any better, just that we are different in the scope of things we are willing or strong enough to go through in our relationship.
I was LDR with my FH for two years (like, hugely LDR, 3000 miles), and they were some of the hardest of my life (and yes, I did move, but not everyone would make the same decision). I respect anyone who is able to maintain their relationship through distance because it takes serious commitment, and it sounds even better for you since you’ll get to see your DH every weekend… not a bad deal! I’m sorry that you’re upset by people’s comments, but I don’t think they mean any harm. People are just curious about the unusual. And as far as the kid comments go… I’m definitely on your side there! lol. Raising kids by myself except on the weekends? No thank you! lol.
Post # 5
You’re not crazy, we’re about to do something very similar. DH got a job offer about 2 hours away on a 3 year contract. I still have one more year in my current position and won’t leave (I’m a Ph.D. student tleaving would be stupid) before I finish. I will move once I’m done to be with him for his second 2 years but in the mean time we will be spending our second year of marriage almost completely apart aside from weekends and holidays. I don’t think it will be easy but at least you have weekends and really, working long hours, I can’t imagine you see each other so much during the week anyway. I see it as a great time to focus on my work as well as myself. I won’t feel like I have to rush home and see him so I’l either spend more time at the office, at the gym or with friends. Enjoy some time for yourself, particuarly if you plan to have kids once he’s done with those 3 years you’ll never have the same chance again. We have nto really told many people but I already had one person not understand why I was okay with being apart for a year. You can always point out the positive in that he is only 1.5 hours away and could be much farther. In my situation the other alternative was Singapore so it shuts down the negativity instantly. Good luck!
Post # 6
Im a bit confused? why is he moving? 1.5hr drive doesnt seem like much. I only say that cause i have a few friends who do that already to get to work.
But do what you gotta do. Im more shocked at the idea of him moving if its only 1.5 rather than you not moving if that makes sense.
Long as your happy thats all that matters right 😀 haters always gotta hate. You just gotta hit that ignore button.
Post # 7
We have to do something similar as well (and are getting the same reactions from people). Because the economy is so terrible, I had to take a job 4 hours away from FI. It’s a two-year position and I will be looking for work back in our original city when that ends, but I’m not going to have my FI quit his great job where he’s been promoted and given raises to move with me when I’m coming back in two years. Likewise, he’s not going to let me be unemployed or have to take a menial job not in my industry just to stay in our city. We will actually see eachother more like 3-5 days a week though because of our work schedules (his weekend is actually in the tue-wed, while mine is the standard sat-sun).
But yeah, we’re getting a lot of grief for it, when we’re actually really happy that we’ll both have great jobs and be able to save a lot of money for our future together. Obviously, we wish we could be together, but we’ve lived together for 3 years already and know that we can deal with this.
Post # 8
@ccranetobe: I know people who drive that far to work, too (FI drive 1 hour to work), but if he’s working 70-80 hours a week, those are going to be ROUGH hours, and then the commute on top of it…. OP really wouldn’t be seeing him anyway. It would be him eating out all the time, sleeping as soon as he got home, getting up super early….. not to mention that the cost of gas alone would be enough to cover the apartment he’s getting.
While it isn’t the most ideal situation, I totally understand where OP and FH are coming from- as long as you’re both happy with the arrangement, and FH plans to move back after, then I think it should work fine.
Post # 9
Also, just as a side note, you would be shocked to learn how many college professors do this, especially those married to other college professors. I had at least a few in my own major whose spouses lived a few states away, and they would just try to set up their schedules so they only worked part of the week (usually Tuesday/Thursday) and then they would fly home on weekends- if they only worked T/TH, they were really home more than not. Plus they got summers off.
But hearing that their spouses lived so far away was always a shock for young students… I know it took me some time to understand how they could do it, but if you’re career driven, you do what you have to do.
Post # 10
we’re doing something similar….except he’ll be 14 hours away.
i have to stay at my job another year or so and then i do plan to move to be with him. but with the housing market the way it is, i’m guessing we will never actually live together.