Post # 1
My FI and I have been together about 6.5 years. Our sex life was great in the beginning. About 2 years in, it seemed like my sex drive just went away completely and for no apparent reason. I wasn’t under any significant stress other than just daily life. Since then, it’s just gotten worse. It used to be once in a rare while I would actually get aroused, but now it’s basically never.
I feel like I’ve done everything I can. I’ve spoken with multiple doctors, only one who even seemed to give a damn and recommended taking a multi-vitamin, which didn’t help. I’ve been on birth control for about 10 years, and I went off of it for 5 months to see if that would make a difference, but the only thing it did was give me greasy hair and skin and acne.
I just feel like I’m broken and I feel so helpless. I feel terrible for my FI because I know he’s not getting what he needs. He told me last night that he would never cheat on me, but he thinks in his head about having sex with other people.
I’ve always been a relatively sexual person. This is just so frustrating and I feel so lost. Anyone have any advice or recommendations to try?
Post # 3
I will add that I mostly eat healthy and I exercise.
Post # 4
@kb7: I would speak to your gyno. He might perscribe you some strogen cream to apply to your inner thighs or wrists. This is what happened to me a while back and the cream helped me. It put the spunk back into my drive.
Post # 5
Have you tried just “doing it” even though you think you’re not in the mood? I’m not really a horny person where I just randomly crave sex, but normally one we start foreplay, I definitely get in the mood. It also helps to not think so much about it (as in, I should be doing this for my SO or I know this isn’t going to be fun, etc.). I know that’s easier said than done, but going in with a forced (yes, forced) open mind really makes it a lot more enjoyable and fun. 🙂
How often are you guys doing it currently? Remember, what works for some couples doesn’t work for others. It just has to be an amount and time you both enjoy.
Post # 6
@MadTownGirl: It’s not that I don’t enjoy it once we get going, it’s just getting to the point that I even want to that’s the problem. Sometimes I do just “force” myself, but I’d really like to get to a point where I actually want it.
We have sex maybe 1-3 times a month on average. I would like to get to the point where it’s at least a couple times a week.
Post # 7
@kb7: Gotcha. Well, it’s huge that you enjoy it once it’s happening; that’s the most important part I think! 🙂 I’m kind of like you…don’t really desire it much, but definitely have a lot of fun with it once we get started. Are you sure that you’re body didn’t just change and you’re merely just not much of sexual person anymore? I think the amount you want sex can change over time and either increase or decrease. I don’t think that means something’s “wrong” with you, just kind of sucks for you SO. Since you say you do enjoy it, can you start trying to initiate it 1-2 per week (even if you’re not in the “mood” at first) and see if that helps increase your drive a little more again? You know the whole “the more you get it the more you want it” mindset?
Post # 8
If your body responds once you start being physical, you may need to get your mind more stimulated to get to the point where you start “wanting it” again. Lots of people think the brain is the biggest of all the sex organs. If you’re leaving your brain out of foreplay, it’s no wonder that you’re having a hard time getting actively in the mood. You could try reading erotic stories to each other, or writing your own to trade with your partner. You can also try watching porn together. If either of you have a specific long-standing fantasy, it might be tie to try acting it out. If you do any of those things, take as much build-up time as you can. Like if you have a fantasy, spend a little while planning how your fantasy will play out. If you’re the naughty housewife and he’s the naughty UPS man, going to buy him clothes that look like the UPS uniforms would be a naughty errand to take together. Enjoy the build-up and staging as much as the actual fantasy. Maybe that will kick-start things. If none of those things appeal to you, you can try introducing unusual elements to your love life. For example, rubbing your lover’s body with fresh strawberries can be naughty and delicious, and you’ll never look at the produce section the same way again.
Post # 9
@kb7: You are definitely not alone. I could have written this post myself. I think one of the previous comments was perfect, about stimulating the brain. My FI is raring to go with a look from me or a kiss that lasts half a second “too long”, lol, but I need more!
I’ve definitely had to force myself to ‘get down’ with him, and the majority of the time it’s worth it – sometimes not, but I’m glad he’s satisfied. He shows and receives a lot of intimacy through sex, so it’s really important to him. I’m getting better at just letting go and going with the flow, but I still say ‘no’ a lot, lol.
I’m sure your drive will ebb and flow – start really slow and only do things YOU like. I like getting a slow back massage where his hands eventually start to wander.
Keep communication open and do what feels right for you.
Hang in there.
Post # 10
@kb7: Some good suggestions from PPs- also maybe try making sex off limits for a while? Like going back to basics? I’m thinking something along the lines of no physical contact for a week (but maybe write something down everyday about why you love each other)- then maybe you’re only allowed to hold hands and build up to kissing- kind of like reconnecting with the begginning stages of your relationship. I can still think back to the time when DH and I were first dating and we went to the movies and we hadn’t held hands yet. Oh Lord, I don’t remember what any of the movie was about because I was so focussed on whether or not he was going to reach out and hold my hand- and when he did finally halfway through…well I can still get my heart racing a little just thinking about it. lol. Maybe also try to spend some time thinking back to days that you were excited to have sex and recreate some of those memories for yourself.
Also, this might seem a little odd but have you ever considered something like a sensual dance class? I’m not suggesting that you become an exotic dancer or anything! I have taken pole dancing classes every week for over 4 years and I love it. It’s a time to reconnect with my body and dance out my feelings and emotions- it’s actually a very spiritual/sensual thing. I find when I am more in touch with my inner goddess it’s much easier for me to be receptive to DH!
Post # 11
You are not alone! I went through a similar struggle – from healthy sex drive to zero libido and for me, after a lot of trial and error, I realized that it was combination of hormones and mental stuff. Like you, I’d been on the pill about 10 years. I was convinced that it was part of my problem. I’ve been off the pill for over a year now and my sex drive is back and better than ever!!!
That said, I still go through occassional dry spells – usually when my husband pisses me off (lol). So, hormones are a big part of it, but feeling loved and respected and NOT PRESSURED is very important too. The pill was a huge culprit, though, I think.
A few other things that worked for me that might be worth a try: accupuncture (for a quick boost in sexy feelings, wasn’t a long term fix for me without ditching the pill), meditation – focusing especially on the groin chakra/color orange associated with sensuality and strengthening the energy there, and keeping a for my eyes only schedule – my goal is 4 times per week as that seems to be an amount that works for both me and my husband. The schedule heps me stay conscious of when I need to amp things up again and initiate.
Post # 12
i feel like your post could be written by like 8 of my girl friends. I think this is a somewhat commom for women from time to time.
Post # 13
Girl i feel yoou!
I am in the same boat – im 24, slim excercise eat organic and take vitamins, nothing helps my sex drive. however i know the reason for the lack of sex drive – its because i suffer from PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) if affects your hormones and although i havent yet – i am thinking about looking into herbal remedies.
sorry i couldnt help but i just want you to know your not alone
you have a man that loves you regardless (so do i) and sometimes, when i can be bothered i just do it and before you know it im glad i did because it brings the romance and intimacy back and keeps them feeling masculine 🙂
I notice when we havent done it in a while my FI becomes sad and self concious and that makes me feel horrible because i love him so much i want to make hime feel good , and i know he loves me gyno problems and all!
Post # 14
Sorry that I don’t have any advice, I just want to let you know that I know how you feel.
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Sorry that I can’t be of much help. The only advice I have is that even when you don’t feel like it for yourself, try to do it for him.
Post # 15
Thank you everyone for your comments and advice!!!