I’m sorry you are going through this.
1. I don’t believe it is ever a good idea to get married when you are contemplating a divorce before the wedding.
2. While the wedding is mostly paid off, losing that money is less than the cost of a divorce.
3. Cancel what you can; get whatever money refunded that you can; see if there are any options to donate things that aren’t refundable.
4. if you are worried about people in your family or your friends who have purchased flights, offer to reimburse the cost of the flights if you are able to do so (and, if it is only a few people)- this is still cheaper than a divorce.
5. realize friends and family will support you and be glad that you did not go through with a wedding when you were already contemplating divorce.
re: your update.
1. he still lied about all of this
2. he expects you to continue to support the two of you; expects you to also be paying on his loans; and is insistent on kids. This is entitled and controlling- you deserve better.
3. you have incompatible views on both finances and work ethics- that just spells disaster. I am a first generation college student. I came from an uneducated family with no concept of money management (didn’t have any), college costs, etc. (good, hard-working people, just no experience with education or money). I worked, loaned, scholar-shipped, borrowed my way through. I worked hard to pay off the loans early by taking on extra work (paid off all debt from a doctorate – undergrad and grad school). But, I took on the MINIMUM debt I needed to actually get by- and, by get by, I mean just that.
My son has a doctorate in pharmacy- 18 to 22 credits a semester and he worked during school, worked a ton in the summers, had room-mates, scholarships, lived within his means. While I helped with some tuition expenses, he by far, paid for the bulk of this himself. He bought a car (used) and home all within his first year out of pharmacy school and is getting married in the fall (saved for two years- paying cash). His student loan debt was well under 100,000- he worked hard, over-pays on the debt to pay it down sooner, and did not defer or spread the loans out, as he wanted to reduce the amount he would owe to interest and to be out from under this debt sooner. Three years out of school, even with his other purchases and stockpiling money for the wedding, his loans are 2/3 paid off- and, he has pays over and above the maximum match into his company 401K. While he had debt, his then-girlfriend/now fiance 1. knew about it, 2. saw that he worked hard all through school and after to keep the initial debt manageable and to pay it down, and has seen him make sure to be planning for their future by taking care of those expenses and by putting money away for their future.
I think my point is, your fiance has made different lifestyle choices- and, this will impact you. If you buy a house while married, and he defaults on the loans, your house is a marital asset and can be taken to pay off the debt. Similarly, while FEDERAL loans are discharged if he should die (or, in some cases, become disabled), PRIVATE loans are not- private loans do not have the same (minimal) protections of the federal loans. If he reduces payments to do income sensitive payments, the interest continues to accrue, as does the time he will be paying on the loans.
He made economic and lifestyle choices which will impact you for the rest of your life, with no real plan on how to take care of this debt, and you had no voice in the decision- you were kept in the dark. RUN. RUN NOW!
I’m sorry, but in your heart, you know that you should not get married now if you are contemplating divorce. It doesn’t make this any less hard, or any less sad, but you should leave.