(Closed) +1 for Mistress?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Who should be invited to attend?
    Bob only : (3 votes)
    4 %
    Bob and Wife (seated separately) : (70 votes)
    82 %
    Bob, Wife and Mistress (Wife seated separately) : (3 votes)
    4 %
    Bob and Mistress : (1 votes)
    1 %
    None of them : (8 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    1418 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I would do exactly what you are doing.  Awkward situation all around, but there is no way some mistress is going to be coming to my wedding.  If it was many years down the road and Bob and his wife were divorced and he was with or married to Carol at that time, then maybe, but certainly not at this point in time.

    Post # 4
    354 posts
    Helper bee

    It’s clear you don’t want ‘Carol’ there, let Bob know that.  Also tell him his wife is invited, and he is welcome to come solo if he wishes.

    Why on Earth would ‘Bob’ think it’s okay to show ‘Carol’ off at a wedding?  *shakes head* The nerve of some people.

    *hugs*  Do what feels right.

    Post # 5
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    You are completely right. First of all, I think its completely absurd that he would even consider bring this woman…especially since you have no clue who she is? I think its ridiculous for people to attend a wedding when they dont know someone. Furthermore, the invitation was intended for “Bob” and his wife…regardless of if they are seperated. Bob can come and his wife can come…seperately!

    Post # 6
    7300 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would laugh in his face. If he thinks he’s going to bring some homewrecking floozie to my wedding, he has another thing coming. I would tell him that you are sorry he’s going to miss your wedding, but you will not allow him to bring the other woman that you don’t know and you are not going to cause any drama.

    Post # 7
    870 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I would just invite the wife. He will most likely be upset if you don’t let his mistress come and could cause drama at the wedding. I say leave them out of it but if you are friends with his wife then invite her.

    Post # 8
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I voted to invite Bob and the wife but I REALLY wanted to vote was JUST invite the wife. Bob has a lot of damn nerve if you ask me. You are celebrating the sanctity of marriage and a homewrecking floozie has no place at that kind of celebration….I’m jusy sayin

    Post # 9
    5822 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I would extend an invitation to the wife, and I would tell Bob that obviously this woman isn’t important enough that he would have told you about her in the two years they have been dating, and you don’t feel comfortable with her coming when you are inviting [wife].  Tell him he is free to fly solo, but the Mistress is NOT welcome.

    Post # 10
    987 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I would absolutely not invite the mistress. 

    If you know and like the wife, send her a separate invite. 

    If you only know her through Bob and don’t really care about her, I’d tell Bob that you’d prefer to just have him attend.  If he doesn’t comply, he doesn’t have to come at all.


    @jamaicabride – hilarious!

    Post # 11
    923 posts
    Busy bee

    I second what JamaicaBride said. I would really not want to invite Bob at all, just the wife. But that would creat so much family drama. Maybe if you tell him he can’t bring his mistress he won’t come at all and then everyone’s problems are solved. From the sound of it, it doesn’t seem that he’s an intrigaul part of the day so if you offend him…oh well. Plus, someone’s always offended at weddings. We can’t make everyone happy. But letting him bring his mistress just goes too far for me if he’s not legally seperated or divorced.

    Post # 12
    2195 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    My first inclination is to invite just the wife and say eff Bob and his mistress, but that would create so much drama that I’d just invite them separately and tell Bob no to the mistress, it’s just inappropriate on so many levels.  He sure has some nerve. 

    Post # 13
    42 posts
    • Wedding: October 2012

    By no means am I condoning cheating or infidelity, but it really bums me out to see so many people calling out Carol as “a homewrecking floozy.” We all know relationships are incredibly complicated, but don’t forget Bob is complicit in the infidelity as well, and stop bashing the other woman. 

    As for who to invite, I would have a conversation with Bob about your concerns for what’s been going on, express your sadness at hearing about he and his wife’s struggles. Let him know that you would really prefer that he and his current wife come, albeit separately, and that Carol is not welcome to family functions at this point in time. Ask him if he thinks this would be possible to do maturely, and if not, then gently suggest he refrain from attending, and look forward to having a great time with his current wife who you DO have a relationship with. 

    Have a little compassion for another couple going through a rough time, and stop bashing other women. It accomplishes nothing. 

    Post # 14
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    The invitation was to Bob and his wife….end of story. Carol would not be invited to my wedding and if Bob could not honor that then he would not be invited either. Bob and wife can be seated together or seperately, whichever makes them most comfortable.

    Something I’ve learned, don’t take on other people’s problems and make them yours to solve. This would be one of those instances where I would politely say, “Hey Bob, I see that you’ve RSVPed for you and Carol, but the invitation was for you and your wife.” Should we reserve a seat for you and your wife or will you be coming alone?” I wouldn’t even discuss their situation regarding Carol because she’s not your issue to stress/worry about. If he brings up Carol (again) restate the previous statement. He will get the point.

    Post # 15
    489 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Eek!  Sounds like you handled it well.  I would send a seperate invitation to the wife, but given all that Bob has put her though, she might not want to come.  Good luck!

    Post # 16
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I COMPLETELY agree with feministbride. It is very upsetting to see so many people jump on the “homewrecking floozy” bandwagon since we have no idea how “Bob” and “Carol” came to be together or what Bob has told Carol about his home life. Please don’t jump to conclusions about the “mistress” if we don’t have all the details and in all honesty, no one has all the details but Bob, Carol and his wife. Everyone else, especially family, will be given different versions of what happened. Like with everything else, there are 3 sides…his side, her side and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.

    As for the invites, I would definitely invite the wife if she is someone you are close to and consider family. Things will be a little awkward regardless. You have to look at how she is going to feel…the whole family knows that Bob has been having an affair and he now lives with his mistress. This could be a situation that the wife may chose not to come to as well. As for Bob…I would talk to him and let him know that you would like to have him at your wedding but you have also invited his wife and are not comfortable with him bringing the new woman in his life. Let him know this is going to be a very special day for you and you feel that having Carol there would simply make too many people uncomfortable. Then explain that if he is not comfortable coming without Carol then you will miss him. I hope everything works out well for you all!

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