Post # 1
Fi and I have decided on one Maid/Matron of Honor and one bridesmaid each. Our wedding will be intimate (about 50 guests), and we have no desire at all for a larger bridal party. My best friend of 12 years is Maid/Matron of Honor, but I have no bridesmaid. I’m begging for advice…
Friend1 I have know for about 8 years, and she has a friendship with fi as well, but her attitude is AWFUL. She can be a very negative person, and honestly I don’t think she would make the time to help with any “bridesmaid duties”. Also, we haven’t been in close contact for about 2 years now.
Friend2 I have only known for 3 years, she doesnt really have a friendship with fi, but they’re cordial. I like her, and I know that she would go above and beyond for us.
Is it too soon to ask Friend2 to be in our wedding because I haven’t known her for very long? I know that in 10+ years, Fi and I will still remember Friend1, but because Friend2 is “new”, I’m worried that I don’t know how long she will be in our lives, or a part of our lives, or any of that.
Oh… and to add:
I’m not super close with cousins, and I dont have any sisters. I have 2 older brothers, but they already have other duties 🙂
Post # 2
I have the same dilemma, so I am interested in other bees thoughts on this. In my situation, I know friend1 would be hurt to not be asked, whereas friend2 I don’t think is expecting it and therefore probably wouldn’t think twice.
I think it is one thing to want to remain close with those you ask to stand up, but you want to enjoy your wedding planning and wedding day as well. Sounds like you are growing closer to friend2 and think she would make everything a little more enjoyable due to her support.
Do you think not asking friend1 would compromise your friendship? You say you haven’t been in contact for a few years – is that something you regret or have you just kind of grown apart? If you don’t think it would cause a bigger rift in your friendship with friend1, I think I would go with friend2.
Post # 3
twobridesMD: Honestly, I think if you are asking strangers to pick a Bridesmaid, then neither should be chosen to ‘fill a spot’. I think a bridal party should be picked because you cannot imagine them NOT standing up next you, while you commit to a lifetime with your partner. A lifetime you know they will (hopefully) share with you as well.
I would just have your Maid/Matron of Honor. I know people feel wedding parties need to be balanced, but I think it is absolutely fine otherwise.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX
twobridesMD: I don’t it matters how long you’ve been friends with someone, it just matters what kind of relationship you have. Two of my bridesmaids I had known less than a year when I asked them. I couldn’t even imagine getting married without them by my side. I would rather have people who I am close to now standing next to me, than old friends who I’ve lost touch with.
Post # 5
twobridesMD: I completely agree with what OUgal0004 posted.
I will be having a Maid/Matron of Honor and 1 bridesmaid as my bridal party and choosing them wasn’t difficult, but I was feeling a little guilty about not including another friend even though we don’t spend as much time together as we used to. In the end, I’m keeping my party as is. That friend will still be able to share our day with us as a guest and I think having a smaller bridal party will cause less stress and save money.
Post # 6
Don’t pick a person to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man simply because you think you need one. You pick your BMs becaues they are your nearest and dearest and you couldn’t imagine the day without them. This could be your childhood friend or a person you met last year. The point is that they are close to you. If this doesn’t apply to either of your friends, then just have your Maid/Matron of Honor. It’ll save yourself a lot of trouble and drama down the line. Uneven bridal parties are TOTALLY OK!
Also, don’t pick a person becaues you think that she will/will not help with bridesmaid “duties.” The only things a Bridesmaid or Best Man HAS to do is get a dress and show up clean, sober, and on time. Anything else is icing on the cake. Now of course, you hope that, as your friend, a Bridesmaid or Best Man will want to help and be involved, but you can’t hold it against her if she doesn’t want to spend her Saturdays dress shopping and helping with DIY projects. GM don’t have to “earn” their spot, why should a BM?
Anyway, the point is don’t ask someone you aren’t that close with to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I’ve been on these boards a long time and I’ve seen sooooo many posts about brides who are disappointed that their BMs aren’t as interested in the wedding as they had hoped. And many times it ends up that these BMs are people the bride wasn’t very close to in the first place. Why would your FI’s cousin that you’ve only met a handful of times or your friend you haven’t talked to in years all of the sudden start tripping over themsevles to help you with your wedding? It’s just unrealistic.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2014 - hotel
I can’t help but feel that your gut is telling you to pick friend 2. She might be a newer friend and there’s always a chance that the friendship will fizzle out, but that’s the same with long term friends too. How would you feel looking back at pictures years later with friend 2 as a bridesmaid even if 2 years later you stopped seeing each other?
If that wouldn’t bother you, go for it. If it would then maybe have another think.
Post # 9
twobridesMD: I picked my two MOHs (I’m not having bridesmaids) from a pool of 5 close friends. The friend I asked first has been my friend for a relatively short period of time (no longer than 4 years), but we’ve been friends through some really trying times and have found support and comfort in one another through that. She was the obvious choice for me, despite only having known her for a relatively short time because of that.
The person who is my other Maid/Matron of Honor has been a friend of mine since I was 10, and since she got married in 2009, she’s been a very popular Maid/Matron of Honor at her friends’ weddings. She is incredibly sensible and down-to-earth, as well as tactful and kind. I value her opinions and taste and she’s just the kind of calming influence I need sometimes 😀 And somehow despite having a toddler of her own and being in the final stages of her PhD work, she was more than happy to accept the role when I asked her.
One of the other people I considered is a close friend I’ve known since we were 8 (so over 20 years by the time I got engaged), but as much as I love her, I knew there would be times when we would be at loggerheads with one another (as we sometimes are). I trust her implicitly, but I didn’t want to risk a massive personality clash and a falling out with her over my wedding. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t ask her, as she is about to give birth to her first child very shortly, and I’m glad she can focus on her impending motherhood 100% without feeling like she’s leaving me in a lurch.
The other two friends I considered asking have been good friends since we were in high school together, but one of them is currently living in Paris, and the other is busy raising her son and working on her own PhD thesis (plus she was staying in Dubai when I got engaged), so for practical reasons I decided not to ask them. They both mean the world to me, so had practicality been less of an issue, I would happily have asked either of them.
Post # 10
It is a myth that the sides have to or should match in number. Your attendants should be chosen because of their close relationship to you. It is also a myth that bridesmaids have to be up for chores and duties. The only real responsibility is to stand with you and be supportive, dressed appropriately, on the day. Anything else is voluntary and at their discretion, including a shower.
Post # 11
you don’t need equal sides – it’s not like he’s haveing 7 people and you’re having one – it will be barely noticeable and this person will be in your photos forever! it shouldn’t be a situation where you pick a warm body – just enjoy your day with your moh!
Post # 12
You’re not picking a bridesmaid — you’re picking a seat-filler.
Post # 13
Thanks for every comment. I did feel a little pressure to choose a bridesmaid, but I have no plans to choose a seat filler. Friend1 has REALLY been therefore me, even before fi and what I mean by duties is really just “being happy and supportive”. We aren’t big on DIY (well, we would be if we had any art skills lol), and I’m sure we’ll seek a wedding planner soon. Her attitude is out of this world and I’ve never been able to bring her around other friends, and that is super scary. So regardless of how close we may have been in the past… she’s out for sure 🙁
I wouldn’t mind to see friend2 in our wedding pictures two years from now.
It will probably be friend2 or no bridesmaid at all.
Not to further complicate things lol, but my first choice was a different friend who just moved to England with her military hubby. I’m not sure she will be able to come back for the wedding, and that breaks my heart because I really value her opinion and honesty.
Post # 14
CuppaSarah: That’s an awesome way to think about it. Thanks!
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
You don’t need another bridesmaid. If you already have an Maid/Matron of Honor, that’s plenty.