I wanted to update this saga by thanking all of you (you were right, I was blindly in love) and asking for some additional guidance, as many of you have already been through a similarly AWFUL breakup, and come out the other side with your dignity and self-respect intact.
In a nutshell, all of the ugly, earlier parts of this thread happened, and for awhile, I was devastated. To summarize, I worked very hard to help him turn his life around over our 5 year relationship and get into med school, stayed with him through his alcoholism/addictions issues, paid for many things myself, and as soon as he got into med school, he stopped talking to me, started going to bars til 4 am while telling me he was ‘too busy to talk’, said he needed a break and ‘enjoyed his freedom not having me around needing things from him’, didn’t contact me or ever ask how I was when I had to fly home for a funeral because my grandmother died, and when after weeks of not talking to me I told him how unfair it was that he just ignored his fiancee when my grandmother had died, that he was breaking my heart, that he was going out to bars instead of talking to me, he simply hung up on me. I had let him know that he could have a few weeks to think about the relationship, but that this was his decision and if he wanted to break up, I had my own life and that was fine, but he had to let me know. I made it clear if we broke up I wouldn’t be waiting around for years like his last girlfriend did – I had my own life and career, and if he broke up with me, it was over.
I, in fact, did send him a letter saying how much I believed in us, and how much I loved him and wanted to make it work (and I don’t regret having the ability to love someone deeply) but he still strung me along for weeks and was incredibly calloused and rude, telling me he ‘had the letter in a drawer somewhere’ and ultimately, one week after the conversation where I cried and he hung up on me, he told me wanted to break up with me because it was ‘too hard’ to make it work with the long distance. I explained that I wouldn’t know anything about a hard relationship having trusted a recovering alcoholic to be able to build a family, and that there were hundreds of kinder and more compassionate ways of handling the situation but that it was his prerogative and I wanted him to know this was not a mutual decision, he had broken up with me. He did say he wasn’t drinking, and I believe him. I never talked to him again after that, which was 2 months ago.
On the outside, afrer he told me he wanted to break up, all he saw was 100% NO CONTACT. On the inside, I was devastated. After five years and being engaged/planning a wedding, putting my career on hold or atleast in stagnation as I spent so much time helping him apply to medical school and secure meaningful experience/do well on his tests, and then the stress of managing our 2 65 lb dogs and an entire house, packing all of his things into boxes myself, etc… I was devastated while trying to balance fulltime work and fulltime school. I had to quit my job and several courses, and became depressed for the first time. I didn’t show any of this to him, but on the inside I was a complete wreck, and this really destabilized me.
All I wanted was for him to realize how wrong he was and to come back at Christmas…. but slowly, steadily, I pulled myself up. I talked to a psychologist, exercised daily (running, something I used to love to do), forced myself to eat healthy meals, and relied heavily on my friends and family. When I was ready, I started dating, and with extremely ironclad boundaries this time around – knowing exactly what I wanted and didn’t want. I joined a women’s running club and went out with girlfriends to fancy places downtown, something I haven’t done in years due to work and the relationship. I aced a licensing exam for work that was a huge building block for my career! That felt so good. I went to networking events and had coffees and found a really meaningful job opportunity to start my dream job with an international law firm. I bought new clothes, learned to do my makeup and hair really well, started a workout routine, felt great (!!!) and started posting online again about all the fun things I was doing. I realized I had put him on a pedestal for so long and made him the center of my world at my own expense – and that I actually really enjoy myself and my own life, have accomplished a lot in my own right, and am really happy being a little selfish now, for once. I am doing well.
Long story short, after all this, today I had to email my ex to get a receipt for winter tires, and kept it completely formal and unemotional – a point A to point B email. He responded immediately, saying he ‘hoped I was doing well’ and wants to stop by next week when he lands in Canada again to collect some winter clothes, and to ‘talk if I wanted….’ He sent the identical email 6 minutes later and I kinda got the impression he had been sitting around waiting to hear from me. I guess that’s always the way it goes that when we realize our self worth and stop taking shit, they always come crawling back….. 😂
Honestly, this was all I ever wanted for months when I was at my lowest of lows, crying so much on the phone to my parents that I couldn’t even articulate my words, and they couldn’t understand what I was saying… but at this point, I am just LIVID. He gets to get through a semester of med school unscathed, while he just dropped me and left me in the lurch – who knows what he did/who he was sleeping with while I was suffering these past few months, handling everything in the household myself – and now the day his flight lands expects he can send an email after MONTHS of completely disrespecting me, dropping me like a college girlfriend, and expect I am gonna be his loyal little fiancee waiting at the airport with a warm change of clothes and his ride home???
What advice do you guys have for how to handle this situation in a way that is dignified and lets me keep my head held high?
I am honestly not ruling out that I would ever want to have a conversation somewhere down the line, but at this point, I am 100% focused on myself because I HAD to be, and now I like it that way – and he has shown me nothing to indicate he has learned from his mistakes, is accountable for his APPALLING behaviour, or has done absolutely anything to earn a second of my time.
Thanks, bees…. 😘