1 week into long distance with fiance-turned-medical student.. and struggling.

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

Tell him you just need the tire info, please do NOT stop in, you do NOT want to talk.

Honestly it will set your recovery back, just like a shot of whiskey to an alcoholic. Consider him an addiction you have to be rid of and treat him accordingly. You’ve been doing great, don’t settle for the little crumbs his crummy self is giving you. 

Post # 77
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

His winter clothes would have been returned to his parents or donated by now.

He’ll talk if you want to? How very generous. 

Post # 78
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

I agree do NOT see him. Ask him where you will be staying and go drop ALL of his stuff off so all ties are severed and he has no reason to see/contact you.

Post # 79
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t agree to see him.

He hasn’t said anything about reconciling at this stage. Just that he needs to get some things and that he’s willing to talk if you want to. Breaking up long distance can feel a little weird so he may just be looking for ‘closure.’ Or he just suggested it because he’s already going to be at your house so he felt he should offer.

In my experience those closure talks aren’t useful. You just dwell over what’s already happenend and dig up all of those feelings again. (I’ve also wound up sleeping with the ex on these ‘closure talks’ because we stupidly thought we should do it ‘one last time.’ Terrible idea.) 

 

 

Post # 80
Member
792 posts
Busy bee

Do not see him. Do not send any elaborate conversation, do not respond to how you are doing. If he still has clothes in your apartment, send one firm, brief e-mail that says something along the lines of:

Your winter clothes will be delivered by Julia (find some female friend who will drop them off) to your parents home prior to your arrival. 

Please respond with the tire receipt as previously requested, and an address you wish the clothing to be delivered should you wish them to be delivered elsewhere.

Beyond these two items, I have no wish to see or contact you at this time.

Post # 81
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

I get the feeling that what you are really asking for advice on is whether you should talk to him, because the winter clothes and the tire receipt can be arranged fairly easily without doing that.

I have been in this situation a few times before. A shitty relationship which you poured everything into finally breaks up and you are devastated. You feel as if every last ounce of joy and energy you have has been sucked dry and there is nothing but misery and pain left. The most hurtful thing is that the person who broke up with you doesn’t seem to care because that is exactly how they act.

You grieve for days, weeks… you finally summon the little bit of strength that you have gained and you go out and start doing things you enjoy. You start taking care of yourself and living for you. You feel a bit happy for the first time in ages. Then, almost as if he can feel this newfound strength, independence and happiness like a magnet, the ex comes hovering, referencing talking and seeing each other, dropping hints about getting back together – nothing concrete, just little scraps.

What I’ve learned is that generally nothing good comes of this. What you have to ask yourself is, do you really think that there is any possibility, in this world, that he has had a transformation of personality in the last 2 months? Is there any chance, on god’s earth, that he could have realised what a selfish arse he was and vowed and made a concerted effort to change? I think it’s extremely unlikely. I think it is far more likely that you were a shining light in his life and he is realising what it is like to be without you and he would simply like to be near that light again. For his own selfish reasons. Nothing whatsoever to do with anything that is good for you.

So, I’m personally not going to give advice on whether you should see him or not. But just please don’t be under any illusions about who and what this guy is. He’s the man who ignored you for weeks at a time. Hung up on you rather than talk to you. Couldn’t care less when your grandmother died. Talk to him or don’t talk to him, but don’t think you’re going to get anything from this guy worth having. He’s got no place in your life.

As far as how to respond to his email, I would say nothing.

Post # 82
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee

graces7 :  if you meet up with him then you’re putting your life and happiness in his hands. don’t give him a chance. He had so many yet consistently chose himself over you. He didn’t even care that your grandma died or that you gave up so much to help fulfill his dream. No no no. Do not meet up with him ever. 

Post # 83
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

graces7 :  I would NEVER give him the satisfaction. Whether he is looking to get back together or get closure, either way he is curious to see you. The ultimate fuck you is to leave him in limbo and make him wonder what could have been. 

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