(Closed) 1 year wait is turning into a 4-5 year wait – Counsel?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If I had a crystal ball I would tell you how it would work out, because I’m like you, I need to know how things are going to pan out over a 5 year span right this second. It’s ridiculous and I haven’t yet mastered time travel or seeing into the future. Maybe one day.

I will say that I have seen long distance marriages work. My peer advisor my first semester of college had been with her Boyfriend or Best Friend 6 years. He was going to school in Texas and she was here. He proposed to her over summer break, they got married the next summer, and they were long distance until she finished grad school 2 years later.

I know that it probably doesn’t help. You want to actually be with your husband and long distance marriages don’t really allow for that. I’m sorry that I’m of absolutely no help, hopefully someone else will be.

 

Post # 5
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I feel for ya, I’m exactly the same way. I’ve recently went back to school and I understand the frustrations surrounding school and engagements. My advice would be to get engaged this summer – or next. If you know its coming it will help waiting one more year. Then I would do a two year engagement. I know a lot of people don’t believe in the long engagement, but trust me its actually a really good deal. Wedding planning is VERY stressful, even if you love everything to do with weddings. Adding grad school on top of that? Yikes. This way you won’t feel guilty taking a break from wedding planning to study or write papers and you won’t get behind on planning. Perhaps by that time he will be able to move with you and if not, then its only a two year wait to live with your husband.

Four or five years feels like its forever. I know its really hard. I have something I tell myself regarding school. It will end. A few years of sucking it up now will mean the rest of my life will be what I want it to be. You can defintely apply that to your engagment situation. Good luck and I hope everything works out!

Post # 6
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You know…sometimes life doesn’t go along the agenda we have planned. If you asked me when I was 18 what my future would be like, I would have said “married by 25 with my first baby on the way.” That is SO not how my life turned out and I am happy that it didn’t turn out like my 18-year-old self had planned! 

It is so great that women have so many options for themselves nowadays. However, sometimes that makes it more difficult to juggle all our goals, desires, dreams and ambitions! We want to have it all, but that’s not necessarily possible and sacrifices/compromises have to be made.

Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do. Good luck!

 

Post # 7
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I know it’s hard wanting to know where you are going to be in the future but life never goes the way you plan.  My husband and I got engaged in our freshman year of college, waited until the end of college to get married, moved across the country, and now we are looking at a long distance marriage possibly.  What exactly is this business that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is starting?  Is it portable?  I know with some businesses, you can’t really move because you need to completely rebuild your client base.

No one here can help you make the decision but I’m sure you will figure out what is best for you.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I suggest learning that distance may be part of your life for awhile. My boyfriend and I will be LDR for 4 years after we get engaged. Then, after he finishes grad school, he’s thinking of moving out of the country. He wants to take me with him, but what if I can’t go due to MY education?

I say do the things you want to do and work around the issue of distance. It’s just another one of those things that has to be worked around and it’s not always a good idea to delay plans for problems.

Post # 10
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Why don’t you get legally married so you can do your residency near him? I know TONS of people who dated through medical school, got married during (some in LDR’s) and then were able to eventually move back to the same state (one of our good friends just had her second child and she’s still in residency- she’s amazing).

 If this isn’t an option- it sounds like you’re just going to have to wait.

 I can relate to your sense of urgency. I’m 26 and went back to school for my nursing degree- I’m looking at two more years of school and then two bachelors degrees worth of loans to pay back. We’d also like to pump out 3 kids before I’m 35. πŸ˜› Sometimes things are what they are and you’ve just got to go with it.

 As for LDR’s- my husband is sometimes away 80 percent of the year for work (every other year- this year he’ll only be away for a month). It’s not so bad πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I feel for you sweet, these decisions are so hard to make!

Myself and my Fiance have done long distance on and off for four and a half years. In that time, i’ve lived some of it in South Africa, he’s stayed in China for another chunk. We’ve been together in one town for a year and then i left for college. We’ve now been long distance again for nearly two years while i’ve been studying, so i do feel your pain!

We had to make a very similar decision in that we either got engaged now and faced the reality that we would be long distance for our entire engagement and also our first year of marriage πŸ™ or that we waited until i had finished my studies (another two years!).

In the end, we just decided that we couldn’t wait any longer and we just wanted to be married. So we’re getting married this august and will live separately for our first year (with him travelling to me every weekend possible) – thankfully we will at least be in the same country which is quite novelty for us!

I really hope that you guys work out a way to make it work!! I agree with maureen9004 though, perhaps get married legally and become one of the married students that gets priority for local sites! 

Post # 12
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I know the feeling. Until recently, we were planning to be engaged this summer and married two years from now. Now it’s going to be four years from now, because it’s so much smarter to do that – I’ll be finishing up a master’s degree, and have had time to meet graduate school on my own terms. HOWEVER, I’ve been so worked up about getting engaged that there is no damn way I’m not going to now, and Boyfriend or Best Friend agrees. So now I’m looking at a 4 year engagement.

 

What will you gain from being married but in separate locations? Will it cost you any more either way, and how will the timing affect you? Will you be more distracted from your school in either situation?

 

Post # 13
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It’s not a great comparison, but I had a co-worker who was a dual-US citizen who grew up in South America, and married a girl from down there.  He was a citizen, so when he was offred a job in the States, he took it (his country is not one you’d want to stay in if you can get out).  He started the process to get his wife brought into the US legally, and it too two years.  So for two years he’d see her every 6 months, when he could afford to fly out to see her.  And NOW he’s trying to get his mother into the US, legally, and is waiting for all the approval for her, just to get her away from the crazy government down there. 

But he and his wife Skyped, and wrote and called and kept up with ach other, and they made it through 1000s of miles apart.  It’s doable – but I’d almost consider, in your case, having a simple Justice of the Peace ceremony and a quick engagement if that means you’d be able to stay local during those ex-ternships.  It’s almost like many military couples do on here – get the civil ceremony done to make sure you are given the considerations of a married couple, and plan the large, family/church wedding as soon as you can down the line when finances and life allow.  That might “fix” some of y’all’s issues sooner, and allow you to be together, and if being together is what’s important, maybe you can consider it.

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