(Closed) 10 days away and I'm still unsure!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
6414 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Jijitattoo:  I agree with this. Someone gave me some good advice years ago when I was debating a break up but felt awful about hurting the person-if you knew she would take it well if you broke it off tomorrow, whats your first gut feeling? If its relief, thats your answer. I know it’s easier said than done but you cannot stay in a relationship for someone else. Good luck :/

Post # 18
Member
7501 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You should have called this off a month ago when you first posted. Please do yourself and her a favor and call it off. Don’t worry about the money or how people will feel about it, it’s a lot easier to call off a wedding than it is to get a divorce.

Post # 19
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Since I got engaged everyone has been giving me one tip on a healthy realtionship/marriage and it is this: Communication is EVERYTHING. You have to sit her down and let her know your feelings/fears/doubt on what you have told us. If you can’t talk to her now before walking down the alter how are you going to do it after the knot is tied?? You need to also think about her feelings in the long run. Does she want to marry some one who doubts their own future? Whould she want to know the truth? Does she want to know how you feel-not just now but also in general? Marriage should be founded on trust, honesty and communication. Don’t deprive yourself or this or her. You may be surprised on what she has to say. She may also want to get a few things off her chest before marriage. If this is from a place of love let her know and work through it. If you truely doubt your future with her let her know that too. The more you postpone this you will be married, possibly miserable, and clueless on how to get yourself out and you will ultimatly hurt her worst later han doing it right now. The longer you wait the worst it will be.

Post # 20
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

@MrsWBS:  Sometimes it just is not that easy. You can care about someone and not want to embaress them while still deciding how you are feeling.. not knowing if your negative feelings will go away or if you are just overreacting. Sometimes the deliberation can be so long that a descision gets pushed to the last minute.

@adams82:  with that being said, a descision has to be made.

Post # 21
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should talk to other guys who got married recently. Women are way different than guys when it comes to weddings… I think it would help you a lot to hear what other men have to say.

Post # 22
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Tell her what you’re feeling NOW.

You need to talk it out like adults. It’s not fair to her to pretend everything’s okay when it is CLEARLY not!

Post # 23
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

When my boyfriend and I got serious about engagement, I started to panic. Not noticeably to him, as I felt like you, I don’t wanna cause him to panic. But inside I started having a major doubts. This truly did not subside til I talked to him about it. We ironed out a few things I was feeling worked up about and I was able to change him back from this scary representation of marriage than I was starting to doubt to my normal boyfriend I’ve been with this whole time willingly. 

If I were you I’d gently bring up how you’re feeling. You can word it so she doesn’t panic. If you can’t dream of talking it out with her, then that could be a major problem in your marriage. 

I’m also curious if it’s a fear of all that comes with marriage that’s set in recently, or doubts about her that have been going on longer term. If it’s the first one you could prbly come to terms with it if you can connect again to why you got engaged to her in the first place. If you’re having serious doubts about her that aren’t just arising now along with these ‘jitters’, then again this could be a real problem.

Keep in mind if these feelings are beyond just jitters getting in the way of what you really want- her/marriage- and you actually DON’T want these things, then all the concerns you have about her feelings, money, disappointment are much worse with a divorce. 

Good luck!! Take some deep breaths, clear your mind somehow, and ask yourself if you actually want to be married, to her. Not because you already spent money on it etc etc but because That’s What You Want For Yourself and Your Life. Only you know the answer. Best of luck!!!!!!

Post # 24
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well, you either call it off now, get some money back and break the news to people gently.

Or you leave her at the altar to be humiliated in front of all of your family and friends and lose all the money spent. 

Or you divorce in 1 year, become another statistic, have to be the “divorced guy” when dating and lose half your money anyway. How will you explain that to future potential girlfriends? Oh, I had doubts but didn’t talk about them, made her think I loved her and wanted to marry her but really was freaking out the whole time. – yeah, that’s a great pick up line.

Your choice. But please don’t do this to her. 

Post # 25
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@adams82:  You are going to hurt her no matter what. It’s just a matter of when and how much. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be and the  more it’s going to hurt. 

My Darling Husband was just like you. He didnt want to rock the boat and as long as it wasnt horrible, he would stay with whoever he was dating at the time and go along with what they wanted. Well that eventually led to a marriage. (He also thought she was the best he could do, even though he wasnt very happy) Well a year into it, some conversations about having kids kinda freaked him out. Then a really, really hot girl started paying attention to him. (He didnt cheat, just liked the attention) He realized he didnt have to settle and it became very clear just how not happy he was. Dont get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with his wife. From what he says, she was the nicest woman around. But they just werent right for each other. 

So a year after getting married, he has to break her heart and tell her he wants a divorce. She was devestated. He felt guilty (and still does). It killed him to have to hurt such a good person. But he had to do it. 1) for his own mind, heart and soul. Being in a not right marriage was slowly killing him and 2) for her. She deserves to be with someone that just adores and loves her with all his soul. 

The lesson he learned was to speak his mind. Be honest with himself. And sometimes you have to rock the boat (and the world wont end if you do). 

We have a very good couple friends who are going through this right now. They never married, but promises of forever were made, they bought a house, he was raising her kid from a previous marriage and they eventually had a child together. Seven years later, he realized that at the very beginning when they first started talking about moving in together, he should have said no. That’s seven years where their lives have intertwined. Seven years of memeories that  are tainted because she will always know that while she thought it was a happy memory, in his heart he didnt want to be there. She is devestated and not sure how she is going to handle 2 kids (and day care). Her quality of life is going to plumet because she cant afford to live in the house any more. He has ruined her life. 

I’m sure he thought that a lot of the issues were outside things (there is an evil ex-husband to deal with). But guess what, there are always outside things that effect your relationship. Dating is the easy time. Life and outside forces never go away–kids or infertility, aging parents, job loss, etc. If you are having troubles now, you will have troubles later too. 

 

Please, please, please find the strength to be true to yourself. If you love her at all, then you must want only the best for her. You arent the best. She needs to be with someone that absolutely loves and adores her and is so excited to marry her. It wont feel like you are doing her a favor, but you are. 

Good Luck!

Post # 26
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

I’m actually feeling quite angry at you at the moment.  You’ve asked this question before, had time to communicate your feelings to her and make a decision, but here you are, still being wishy washy.

Because you haven’t told the truth to her, what you are doing is going to break her heart and muck with her mind.  She won’t understand, as you are thinking one thing and doing another. 

Do you think so little of the woman you are engaged to, that you can’t afford her the truth?

Grow up OP and lay it all on the table, if not for you, then do it for her.  You are just messing her around right now.

Post # 27
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

@adams82:  I think that if you love you and you can genuinely picture being with her the rest of your life, you should marry her. If you 100% love her and you know that you cannot live without her, do it. If you think that you can spend your life without this girl, you need to call it off and do it now. The closer it gets the worse it will be.

Post # 28
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Korenne:  sorry but open communication should have happened loooooong before this so she had a choice if she wanted to proceed in a relationship with someone who wasn’t sure about the relationship. He didn’t have to have his mind up to share how he was feeling. He also should have told her about the other woman a long time ago. None of that sounds like someone that cares and respects Their partner.

Post # 29
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

If it hadn’t been for your last post, I’d wonder if this was just severe cold feet. But I went back to read your last post and WOW do you sound miserable. I know if my Fiance were having doubts about marrying me, I would absolutely want to know. Regardless of how much it may hurt, it’s always better to know than to be blindsided with divorce papers later. And as other bees have said, you’ve already wasted way too much time. I think it’s pretty cowardly to keep something like this from your Fiance. You’re not thinking about her feelings at all. Pretty selfish dude.

Post # 30
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Do yourself and her a favor, tell her what is going on in your head and postpone the wedding. IF you really love her and want this to work, then I suggest couples and individual counseling to work out the issues in your relationship, and re-set a date for the wedding.  

 

If not…break it off completely.  

 

Its like a bandaid.  Pull it off and be done with it.  You will either hurt her now or you will hurt her later (which will be much much much worse).

 

Post # 31
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

This is a joke. You know what you want. Show her these posts, I think it’ll clear it up

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