Post # 1
I’m new here and just wanted somewhere to vent where people might understand how I’m feeling.
My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year, but planning our wedding has been impossible as we were only recently able to set a date (my fiance is from the UK and we went through a long visa process and had no idea when he’d be able to come back here to marry me which made setting a date and paying a deposit very difficult). So knowing I wasn’t ging to be able to plan the wedding of my dreams I set my sights to small, intimate and low-key as I always knew I wouldn’t have much time to plan once the visa came through. First we were going to have a wedding here at my parents house (where we will be temporarily living till we can find a place on out own. I too lived in UK and came out here with my kids ahead of my fiancé, I’m originally from the states but lived in the UK for nearly a decade). Since I was pregnant when I got back here, I have been living back home waiting for my fiancé to come over so we could move out together. Slowly the plans for the wedding to be here didn’t work out so we then planned to take a group road-trip to Vegas, but that fell through as my mom didn’t want to travel with the 2 young kids as it would be a stressful journey which I completely understand. So we found a botanical garden nearby that we could go to for a quick stand-up impromptu ceremony. We were going to go say our vows, go to lunch with a few close family members and then we would head off to Vegas for a quick 2-day honeymoon (we can’t really manage anything longer at this point in time but we’d be grateful for the 2 days after spending most of the last year apart).
Everything was going to plan, we were at the stage of finalizing our vows when my dad decided to get in an argument with me the other night in front of my 2-year-old son, which resulted in me telling him he can’t challenge me in front of my kids and he is now not speaking to me. I don’t really want to get into the ins and outs of the argument, the basic gist is my son kicked my infant daughter and i sent him to his room so I could first make sure my daughter was ok and then figure out how to deal with my son to make him understand that was a horrible and unacceptable thing to do. As it was dinner time my dad disagreed with me sending my son to his room as he thought he should go and eat just then, so he argued with me about it in front of my son while I was trying to get him to go to time out and while I was holding my screaming 4-month-old daughter trying to see if she was ok and making sure I didn’t need to rush to the doctor. So needless to say I was emotional and told him I’m their mother what I say goes, you’re their grandfather, not their father, you need to back off and not challenge me in front of them. Well he just put his hand up in my face cause he didn’t want to hear it, he might have well just flipped me off cause it had the same affect on me. We’re now not speaking to each other and I’m 10 days away from my wedding. I don’t want to go through with the plans as I don’t want tension and awkwardness on my wedding day. For the last year, my fiancé and I have fought so hard just to be together, he flew back for the birth of our daughter and had to return to the UK again, it’s been a heartbreaking and trying time being apart, all I want is to be happy and marry him. I don’t want to have this tension and silence with my dad (who needs to apologize to me but never will), and then have to put on a front in front of the family and pretend we’re fine and everything is happy, I don’t want to be fake on my wedding day. At the same time our only option now is just going to Vegas early and going to one of their Chapels there, but my mom is so sad at the thought of not being able to be there and I’m sad that my babies won’t be there too. Either way, on what should be a happy and special day, my mind is going to be filled with heavy thoughts. I’m so sad.
There really is no solution, I just wanted to vent. Thank you for your time if you read this. Hope you all have better luck with your big days than I am having.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Do you think if you apologized for your part in the argument (because let’s be honest, there are always two sides even though it sounds like he was being a dick), he would also apologize and you two could move on? Especially if you emphasized how you want to resolve things before your wedding? I just got married recently and it’s such an important day to have your family’s support… I think it’s worth trying to resolve things with him if you can. (You didn’t say that you had made any effort and it sounds like you’re waiting for him, which might be reasonable usually, but I think this calls for extra effort.) Anyway, I’m sorry, good luck!
Post # 5
So why can’t you get married at the botanical gardens like planned?
Post # 6
He’ll never apologize, he never has in his entire life, time and time again I’ve had to patch things up with him. He lives in his own little bubble and engages his mouth before he engages his brain and it has frequently got him in trouble, not just with me but with many others, I’m always the mediator or the bigger person, I’m just so tired. On this occasion the issue was serious, my son just kicked my baby daughter in the head. My son has emotional issues which we are seeing a therapist for, yes at 2 he’s in therapy, he has extreme rage and aggression and I needed help in dealing with it. Not only will my dad not participate in the advice the therapist gives for discipline and positive reinforcement, but he argues with me in front of my son, making it even more challenging to gain my son’s respect and get him to listen to me. If my son kicks my dad’s dod he hits the roof and yells the house down, but when he kicked my daughter I wasn’t allowed to give him a time out because he has this weird thing about kids going to bed without dinner. Well I’d never send my 2 year old to bed hungry no matter what he did but I needed space to figure the situation out hence the time out. When I came to him saying, look that can NEVER happen again, yes I was emotional and very stressed but putting his hand up to me was an invitation to war in my eyes. I told him he needs to know his place with my kids and as their mother my word is law with them. He took great offense to that and won’t speak to me. Might I add my father is out most of the day and does not do a lot as far as caring for my kids (I don’t expect him to, they’re my kids and I take care of them and provide for them just fine), but it’s not like he has room to feel like he cares for them all the time so he’s justified to make decisions for them. Even if he did for argument’s sake, he should never oppose me in front of them, he could have waited till my son was in his room and said, ‘hey you should really let him eat before he goes to bed,’ I would have them told him of course that’s the plan but I need to deal with the situation first. It could have been solved there. Or when I came to him saying this can’t happen again he could have said, ‘you’re pretty rilled up right now, let’s talk when you calm down,’ I’d have accepted that too, I’m not unreasonable. But when he put his hand up my anger erupted. I’m struggling with my kids and trying to do the best I can and my son is a challenge and I need support, we need to stand unified to get him on the right track and opposing me like that just doesn’t help and even my mom agrees with my reasons for being upset and even she said my dad was wrong and should apologize. I just feel drained, and I can’t keep being a doormat to him.
My mom doesn’t want it to go ahead at the botanical garden without my dad, and no, they aren’t paying money isn’t the issue it’s bad atmosphere that I don’t want. If my dad comes it will be horrible, if he doesn’t my mom will be upset and bring the atmosphere down (she’s not good at hiding emotion), then there will be the awkward moment when we all come back here afterwards before we head off to Vegas and my dad would be just sitting here on his own. I’ve been racking my brain trying to find a solution but I can’t find any.
Thanks for sympathizing, it just felt good to get all this off my chest, I’ve been trying to stay positive for my fiancé and I have to keep a happy face in front of the kids but I’m so upset and just needed to let it out somewhere.
Post # 7
You know, seeing from the poll that quite a few of you would just go ahead with the plans as they are I’ve been thinking and that’s probably the option that I would regret less later on in life, so I’m going to just go ahead with the botanical garden and try to ignore any funny atmosphere. Thank you to all who gave their opinions, it helped me reach a decision which I think will be best.