10 months gone, 2 to go

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
5731 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

sparkle99 :   By his mid 30s, he had not even thought of marriage at all? I find that hard to believe.

Not everyone plans to get married, I don’t see why it is so hard to believe that he hadn’t thought of marriage until you brought up that you wanted to. 

Post # 18
Member
5731 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

sparkle99 :  I’m not saying he doesn’t want to, just that it isn’t that abnormal for someone to not really plan to/not have it on their radar and only seriously consider it when their partner brings up that they would want to.  I don’t think that is a negative and I wouldn’t jump to not believing him. 

Post # 19
Member
2919 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

sparkle99 :  I’m with you.  4.5 years  at 34 and he’s still dragging his feet. This is obviously giving you anxiety, Time to forgo the surprise “faux-posal”. There’s no question to ask,  you have already told him you want to marry him and now just want confirmation that he is in too. You’re clearly worried he’s not going to come through and you’re living in a limbo. I would have a frank discussion today. It’s not pushing or pressuring,  it’s being honest about your joint future.   You sound (understandably) hurt, angry, worried that this continues to drag on…

  

Post # 21
Member
2919 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

sparkle99 :  yes, I find that odd behavior. It is possible that he has something fabulous planned but it also possible that he is just reluctant/ unwilling to commit and wants to put it off as long as possible. 

I would tell him that.  Someone who loves you should not be ok with allowing you to continue to worry as you obviously are. 

Post # 22
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I think you made a mistake in agreeing to a timeline you weren’t actually comfortable with. If a year was too long for you, then you should have expressed that.

What exactly is supposed to happen if he misses this deadline? Was that discussed? Do you intend to follow through on the consequences of missing the deadline, or was the ultimatum really just an empty threat? If you never made a plan for what you intended to do if he missed the deadline I can get why you’re panicking, because you’re now having to figure that out in 2 months rather than 12.

You either trust that he will come through on his end of the agreement or you don’t. If you don’t, you need to think about why you’d want to marry someone you don’t trust to keep his word about something so big as getting married. If you have to drag him through every major decision in your relationship you’re going to be unhappy in the long run. 

Give him the time that was agreed on, but be prepared with a plan for if he falls through. 

Post # 23
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Here was my experience. We had a timeline and as we got closer I couldn’t see ANY signs that he was moving along with getting a ring or planning anything. So I asked. I’m glad I did because he thought the timeline was super flexible and I thought we had a firm agreement to be engaged by June. That conversation was also great because we then went ring shopping and decided to use my grandmas ring instead. Once I knew he had a ring In his possession I could relax a bit. 

Op I know it’s hard to wait, I know each event that passes where he doesn’t propose is disappointing and agonizing. I was there, I get it. But he does have a ring so I think it would be best to relax and just let him have these last 2 months. At most if you really really are having a hard time let him know that but come from a place of vulnerability not accusing or upset. I think you would have more success with a conversation if you went to him and literally told him that you are feeling very vulnerable about waiting and it’s been hard to know he has a ring for 4 months but hasn’t proposed. See what he says. 

I think we all need to start realizing that a timeline is all well and good but we need to start saying something to our boyfriends  because it turns out it feels super super shitty to have a guy wait till the very end of that timeline. I think it’s time we explain that we would appreciate it if they didn’t wait till the end because that is interpreted as the guy putting it off for as long as possible. Waiting till the end of a timeline has negative associations. To all the bees having timeline talks or about to, please consider including that in your conversations. 

Post # 24
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Because we hear this constantly on here. A bee posts that the timeline is running out and she is upset. So people post commenting that, “ if she wasn’t ok with a timeline that long why did she agree to that” 

obviously it’s not about the time, it’s about how shitty it feels to have your boyfriend wait until the end of that timeline. When they do that it feels like they don’t want to propose, it feels like they have made proposing a chore they are putting off as long as possible. So the remedy I believe, is to start having that additional conversation when discussing timelines at the start. Discuss how it might feel to see someone wait up until the end. Talk about it before the timeline wait begins. At least then the guy knows how it’s percieved. 

Post # 25
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

annabananabee :  “Well perhaps you should give a TED talk then so everyone has your definition of what a timeline should be since you’re an expert.”

What’s your damage lately? Seriously, are you okay? Because you used to post really good advice and wise words but lately you’ve been over the top rude in threads that aren’t even heated and it’s so unnecessary and de-railing. If you’d been sour and snarky from the get-go I’d assume this was your demeanor, but you used to be nice. ??? 

Post # 26
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

sparkle99 :  I can see both sides of this.

I don’t blame you for getting worried because it does seem odd that a guy in his thirties in a serious relationship would claim he hadn’t really thought about marriage after years together. Someone who straight up doesn’t want marriage should tell their partner in the early dating period so as not to mislead them….but surely even someone who isn’t keen on marriage is giong to realize their partner is likely to bring it up at some point, be thinking about it etc. Perhaps he’s one of those people who views his twenties as extended teen years and is only now getting around to thinking of himself as ‘adulting’ ? Maybe he simply became comfortable and complacent in the relationship and was content just going with the flow and not really planning for the future? So even though the timeline isn’t up yet, he’s allowing it to play out til the last few months so I think OP’s concern that maybe he’s stalling, hesitant etc given their original talk is valid. 

And let’s not fault her for checking in at the halfway point- we’ve had Bees on here who waited their full timeline only to learn that nothing was being planned, that he ‘forgot’ (lamest most insulting excuse ever), that he needs more time etc. 

But to give the boyfriend some benefit of the doubt here- he does have the ring already and their anniversary is coming up. Perhaps he’s thinking their anniversary would be a special day to do it or perhaps a holiday themed proposal. And maybe he’s not hesitant, maybe when OP brought it up he was sincerely happy to agree to the timeline and to his mind he’s still within the agreed upon timeline in proposing. 

OP I know waiting is hard, but I would give him until the end of December. He may indeed be planning a nice proposal with a specific date in mind and to him he’s still within the timeline you said you were okay with. I would also not be okay with him inventing excuses past this date either though. 

Post # 27
Member
8454 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well l know many pps are saying you are being pushy and impatient and the agreed upon period isn’t over yet, but frankly l’m with you . I simply don’t understand all this planning and waiting and organising something or other to ask the simple question ‘will you marry me? 

Post # 28
Member
4230 posts
Honey bee

Can we have one thread where people dont rip a poster up for tiny little reasons?

OP,  you gave him one year, you have to wait for that one year to be up. But it’s annoying as hell that you had to push him into action, and the cherry on this unbaked cake is the fact that he’s taken this long to propose. There are many issues at play here,  but if you want children that would be my first concern. Dragging it out like this does nothing good for your fertility prospects. 

I find these kind of proposal situations to be asinine, and frankly unnecessary. The couple has been living together for years, sharing a life, but it’s all up to the man when they get engaged. Why can’t they just agree as a couple to be engaged and get on with it? Do they need a proposal “story” to tell? A fairytale ending for their romance? Who knows? But talk about power imbalance in a relationship, there is no better example.

Post # 29
Member
2294 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I understand he still has a few months left, but it would honestly chap my ass to give someone 12 months and they wait until month 12 to do it (which I realized hasn’t happened yet). It’s not really the fact that a year is too long- if we agreed to a six month deadline and he waited until the end of the 6th month I would similarly be annoyed. Unless the timeline was unreasonably short- like a matter of days- I just don’t see why he would have to wait until the 11th hour to act. That would have me wondering just how excited he was to marry me and that would totally sour the engagement for me, if it even happened.

 

OP, you really have two options. Wait out the two months (and have an exit strategy in place, two months is enough time to plan for one), or sit him down and tell him you don’t want a surprise proposal, this waiting is giving you anxiety, and you just want to be engaged, no fanfare or fuss, and start to plan your life as a married couple.

 

What it really boils down to is whether or not you trust him to keep his word. Nothing worse than sweating through these next two months only to be crushingly hurt and devastated at the end. If you are at the point where you feel this is a possibility, you need to talk to him. Even if he doesn’t want to get engaged within the next 2 months, he should be able to tell you so you can manage your expectations and make your own plans.

Post # 30
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

sparkle99 :  Personally, I think you’re getting yourself all worked up over nothing. Your timeline is up in December, right? It’s the first day of October. Chill out. If he says he has something in mind, take him at his word. Maybe he does! Do NOT propose to him. It’s not that I don’t think women should propose to men (I definitely do NOT think that way) but you don’t want to ruin anything he might have planned.

Relax. 

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