- 4 years ago
- Wedding: February 2015
I’m sorry if this is a bit long. I think I just need to vent and also need a bit of perspective things.
I’m 10 weeks pregnant and whilst I’m sure a lot of people have things worse I’m not finding it easy. I’m unbelievably tired, nausea comes in waves throughout the day and my breasts are incredibly sore. I have a stressful job, work doesn’t know yet and I’m really struggling. Worst of all I’m on an emotional roller coaster and feel completely out of control, one minute I will feel incredibly angry about something that I would usually laugh off, the next minute I’m a sobbing mess. In this context I don’t feel like I can trust my own judgement anymore which I guess is part of why I’m posting this. I feel like my husband is being an ass but maybe I am, either way I don’t know how to make things better.
Without going into the details my husband already has a child, he and his former partner split up when his son was a toddler (through no fault of my husbands) and he’s had to fight to have any part in his life, his former partners consistently used the child as a weapon and it’s been hell for him. Due to this I’ve always known he was ambivalent about having more children, equally he has always known from very early in our relationship that I wanted at least one and has accepted this.
I’m in my late 30s so a clock is ticking and when we got married it was, to my surprise and joy, my husband who suggested we stop using contraception straight away. We thought it would take a long time to happen but I got pregnant almost straight away. When I told my husband he barely reacted, it was just ‘Oh, OK’ and since then I’ve felt increasingly alone with the pregnancy. I know I knew about his ambivalence so to some extent brought this on myself.
My husband seems frustrated when I am tired or low, if he asks what’s wrong and I tell him I’m tired or sore his response is either ‘well I can’t really help you with that’ or ‘well this is what you wanted’. When I feel sick and sometimes wretch he just ignores it.
To make the situation even worse my sex drive has gone down the toilet, I have zero interest right now. My husband has always had a higher sex drive than me and it’s been a source of tension before. I’ve explained to him that this situation is different, that it’s the pregnancy and not about him but he’s still angry and frustrated. I tried to give him oral sex but as I was already feeling nauseous it made me gag and wretch. I tried giving him a massage but that’s not what he wants and not enough for him.
So at the weekend it came to a head. The preceding week I had each day worked, stopped on the way home for groceries, cooked his dinner and cleared away after the dinner. I’d done this without him asking and he had thanked me each night so I guess I’m being unfair but I’d been feeling increasingly resentful that, knowing I was struggling, he didn’t step in and at least offer to help.
Saturday night he wanted to take me out to dinner, problem was I wasn’t feeling very well so didn’t muster much enthusiasm at which point he got frustrated and said fine, whatever he’d get a takeaway. I felt bad and said no, sorry let’s go out. I was driving and when we got to the restaurant I parked a little close to the next car, he struggled to get out and complained about my parking. My hormones kicked in and I kicked off, said forget the dinner I wanted to go home. In the car all my resentment came out and I told him I’d been feeling unappreciated, that I’d cooked each night and cleaned up afterwards despite feeling tired and ill and that he didn’t seem to understand I was struggling, took it personally when I was low, couldn’t he just get that it was the pregnancy and stop taking it personally? Couldn’t he be a bit more supportive? He basically said that all I had done was heat up some sausages (for the record the meal that night was sausages, baby new potatoes, grilled tomatoes and corn on the cob and steamed asparagus) he told me to stop the car and let him walk home which I did. I tried to talk to him later on and he couldn’t see he had done anything wrong, came back to the sex issue as though I was withholding sex deliberately to punish him in some way and then told me to go away and leave him alone. I slept in the spare room last night and have come to work this morning without speaking to him. I feel miserable.