10 year anniversary

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

The issue is not that you’re pressuring him, it is that you are being passive aggressive as opposed to talking to him directly. Dropping comments like “Thanks for that,” when someone usurps one of your dream wedding locations as a way to get him to step on the gas isn’t big girl behavior. Frankly, it’s just mean. And although I hate to generalize when it comes to the sexes, literally every man I know HATES being tip-toed around. Subtlty and stealth are not appreciated. Stop beating around the bush. It’s unkind, not to mention unproductive

Post # 32
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yes, do have a conversation with him. Also make sure you get actual answers and not red flags with “Some Day” and “One Day” written on them. 

Post # 33
Member
8869 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

cara93 :  “We shared our timelines multiple times” — Can you give some details on this please? So he wants kids within 5 years, what about the rest? Or is the kids one the only one that’s been shared? Assuming you mean that you’ve also discussed marriage timelines, what is his? What has he said?

Also, asking for what you want is not desperate. Begging for it after someone has made it clear that they aren’t willing, that’s desperate. Talking to your partner isn’t. It’s certainly a better look than passive-aggressively blaming him because someone else is getting married at one of the venues you like.  

Post # 35
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

“When do you see us married?”

“Lets go through this (free) online premarital counseling questionnaire.”

“For how long would you want to be officially engaged”

“When do you want to look at rings?”

“Do you want to look at rings because you’re tired of me talking about rings or because you actually want to look at rings?”

“Have you thought about a ring budget? Have you thought about what kind of ring you want to wear?”

“Did you know that most wedding venues book up  year in advance?”

I’ve asked my boyfriend, “Are you emotionally ready to put down a deposit on a ring? Are you psychologically ready?” (To distinguish from situations where the delay is financial.)

When I was younger, I would see all these chick flicks where the man would make an elaborate proposal and the woman would be completely shocked. Logical little me wondered, “What if I don’t like the ring?? Maybe he’ll propose at a jewelry store like that guy in Sweet Home Alabama, and I can pick my own ring!”

Silly little me.

It seems really important to you that your bf take all the initiative because it’s more romantic and you’re not “pressuring” him, but real life doesn’t look like that. I HATE the concept that the woman has to “wait” for the man to propose. That puts the man, and only the man, in charge of a joint future. That is unfathomable.

You can have frank, open discussions about marriage and still ask him to do a “formal” proposal with the ring so you can have your moment. The formal proposal can still have an element of surprise.

My bf and I have discussed prenups, wedding budgets, done online premarital counseling, and designed a ring together (we actually ripped off an Etsy ring, but you get the idea.) We’re still doing a “proposal” because it’s fun and romantic and every girl dreams of it. I’m also a bit of an Instawhore. My bf even thought of the hashtag for my ring. When my bf proposes, I’ll have my romantic moment and say yes, knowing that we’re on the same page about finances, kids, religion, division of chores, etc– all the things that might come up in a marriage. 

I have at least two other friends who agreed to marry before the “proposal” happened. One of them told me that when he did the bended knee thing, she was crying, he was crying, it took her breath away (even though she knew very well he was going to propose.)

You can have it both ways. Bringing up the topic of marriage is not proposing. Talking about your joint future is not proposing. Having open communication is not proposing. Asking why he’s taking so long is not proposing, or nagging, or pressuring. It’s being a grown up in the 21st century. 

Good luck, Bee! Don’t put up with any BS or excuses. We got you!

Post # 36
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

Just sit down with him and tell him that you’ve been thinking about your future and you would like to know what his timeline is for the next steps. Tell him you’ve been together for 10 years and you feel that now is a good time to take the next step in your relagtionship. I wouldn’t accept some vague timeline either. It should be a clear timeline that you are both happy with.

You may never be on the same page with one another if you can’t open up an honest discussion about things like this. You are spending your lives together and decisions about the future should be joint decisions. 

Post # 37
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

10 years isn’t crazy considering your ages and I think some posters are forgetting that.

My SO and I and any of our friends who had been together since 17/18 generally dated for 8-10 years before marriage. 

Now is a good time to start the wheels rolling though.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting the conversation, in fact it would be weird not to!  Sitting back and waiting for a proposal is a weird thing that has started seeping in over the past decade or two.  I think another bee is right, there is this strange perception that a surprise proposal means a man loves you more which is BS.  

People used to date with marriage in mind, now women feel like they can’t even bring it up. 

Just ask him when does he want to get married, straight out.  Tell him you’ve been thinking about how long you have been together and you’re starting to think about the next step.  

Post # 38
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

*specifically at a time when the two of you are alone and undistracted for a flexible amount of time, not while driving/right before bed/while out to dinner*

“(insert pet name/real name here), marriage is something that is very important to me, something that I see myself doing with you, and something that I would prefer to accomplish before we have kids. I need to know whether it is something you want as well, and if so, when I can expect us to start moving toward that goal. I think it would be helpful to decide on a definitive timeline regarding a proposal and a year that we want the marraige to take place, so that we can both relax and enjoy this relationship.”

It’s important to plainly state your needs, make sure he knows that you care about his as well, and pose getting engaged as a joint effort, not something with only one-sided benefits. And don’t settle for vague dates, get a piece of paper and write the timeline down. Unromantic, but, as you must know by now, romance can be seriously overrated 🙂

Honestly, I would stay away from ring talk at first, because as weird as this might sound, it can distract from the point. You might see a ring plan as being synonymous with a commitment to getting married, but these boards are full of women waiting for proposals whose SOs have been sitting on rings for YEARS with no action. Just get to the point.

Post # 39
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

I’m sorry but you’ve been together 10 years…even if he did propose ‘out of the blue’ so to speak, it wouldn’t be a surprise surely?

It is not ‘pressuring’ someone to discuss your future. If you really feel like you can’t do that then I think there is a deeper communication issue that needs to be addressed here. You should be able to talk to each other about anything and everything at this point. 

Post # 41
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

cara93 :  to be clear, not having a conversation isn’t “old fashioned” —- it’s just passive. I assure you women in the 1800s or the 1700sactively talked to men about getting engaged (often before they even went on a date!)

Dont be a passive observer of your own life and pretend you are following tradition. You are not.

its always  scary to ha e hard conversations. Part of growing up is doing it anyway.

Post # 42
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

cara93 :  I know you’re struggling with this, but talking to your partner shouldn’t be this hard. It’s important that you learn to communicate with each other, otherwise this will come up in other situations even after you’re married. 

The trouble here is, you both seem to be taking a passive approach. You hesitate to talk to him and he’s like ‘gee I thought we’d have babies a couple of years ago’ as though engagement, marriage and babies are things that will just randomly happen without any pro-active actions on his part.  And then he gives you some kind of vague ‘it won’t take 5 years‘ answer and you passively accept this without follow-up questions. 

I’m not trying to discourage you, it’s just that you guys are getting nothing done this way. There is a huge difference between a dream and a plan- a dream is just talk, planning is taking steps to make the dream a reality. So you guys need to sit down again and have a longer talk, with openness and compromise and specifics instead of vagueness. 

My advice would be to cut to the chase and decide when the two of you want to be married. If you’re having a fairly traditional wedding, you’ll need time to plan, book things, pay for these things. So he can’t say he wants to be married in 2 years without logically seeing that this will require a soon-ish engagement. So if you want to be married in 2 years and would like a year and a half for planning the wedding, then a proposal should be in 6 months or less. So you start looking at ring budgets and go look at rings together- if he wants to surprise you with the ring, you can go with him to give him an idea of the styles you like within the agreed upon budget and then he can go on his own to actually choose one. You can set a timeline, say “Engaged by the end of December” and this still leaves the how, where, when details for him to surprise you with. And since you both want children, he can’t expect kids soon but say ‘it won’t take 5 years’ for him to propose, the math just doesn’t work- if he takes another 2, 3, 4 years to propose it could be another 4-6 years before you’re even married. If he proposes within 6 months, you marry 2 years from now, then this will have accomplished 2 of these 3 goals in under 3 years and the two of you can TTC anytime you agree on after that. 

TL:DR- your boyfriend can’t just wish for things and do nothing to actually make them happen. And you can’t be afraid to have open honest communication with the person you’ve chosen to be your lifetime partner. 

 

Post # 43
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

Just say to him: “I think we’re old enough/it’s time to start moving towards getting married and eventually starting our family. Let’s go ring shopping this weekend, and in the meantime I’d like you to think about a realistic timeline for when you’d like to get engaged and let’s make time to discuss it this weekend.” 

There’s no sense beating around the bush. Just ask him outright. Or, buy a ring and propose to him. 

Post # 44
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

PPs are right. You’re spinning your wheels because you lack the confidence to take control here and you’re letting the conversation end without any real resolution.

You need to be assertive here. Don’t accept his non-answers, ask more specific questions!

You need to be more direct and to the point. Stop with the pie in the sky stuff and get some concrete timelines in place. “When do you envision us getting engaged? My personal preference is within x months. Do you want to ring shop together or do you want me to give you ideas and you go on your own? When do you want to start TTC? Etc. 

Hes clearly not going to volunteer that info so you need to step up and be more direct with him.

I have to wonder about the readiness of your relationship if your communication is this poor. You guys have a lot to work out here. 

I have to ask: Are you shying away from these conversations because you’re afraid of what he might say? Or because you’re afraid of ruining the surprise element? Or is it something else? What is the core of the issue here? 

Post # 45
Member
6772 posts
Busy Beekeeper

cara93 :  When he said it won’t be five years why was that the end of the conversation? It seems the perfect time to ask him what sort of timeline he has in mind. This is your life, too, and you need to be part of the conversation. 

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