Post # 1
Hiya fellow waiting bees.
A few quick pointers to get you up to date with this story.
- We have been together 10 years, since I was 20. I’m now 30. He’s 38.
- I think we are a good match… but these days I’m not so sure..
- When we got together I wasn’t interested in marriage. I started to get interested in it around 4 years ago (from this point onward he knew I would say yes if he asked).
- A few months ago I felt like it was about time we did it, so prompted us to go get a ring made, which is now finished and he’s had it for a few weeks.
- Our 10th anniversary just passed by. Actually we are not certain of ‘the exact date’ of our anniversary but it’s around 20 December. I thought he might’ve planned something special for this but it came and passed with nothing. Historically I have tended to make all our plans for things but I thought I would leave this one in his hands in case he wanted to plan something special. But, nothing.
- I expressed disappointment that we had not done anything for our 10th year anniversary. He then seemed to have a knee jerk reaction, trying to book a restaurant the other night but giving up because the 3 he looked up online were closed. :/
- That was about 4 days ago. I fell into depression from this. I don’t suffer from chronic depression but have bouts of it. A dark fog washes over my brain and I lose all drive and motivation.
- I think he suspects that he triggered this mood I’ve been in, but he hasn’t said anything. I don’t want to raise it because we’ve talked enough about ways he’s disappointed me. Talking has just made this worse.
- Now I have become uncertain if I even want to marry him/marry anyone. Maybe I need to be single to get over my own depression issues? Maybe I need someone more organised who doesn’t let me down, who pushes a bit harder to be with me and make me happy? But I don’t know if these guys exist… so maybe I should just be single?
Update: whilst writing this post he came in and said that we were going out to dinner tonight. He hasn’t asked me what’s wrong as I have hardly been responsive to him for several days now. I can’t think that he could propose to me right now given our current poorly state together. Not sure how we can enjoy dinner together with this mood hanging over my head.
I just don’t know about anything anymore. :/
I feel like I’m past it,… I used to have daydreams about our wedding but my disappointment has muddied them all into nothing. I don’t know how I can get past this with him.
Post # 3
First of all, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. In a way I can relate..I have been with my boyfriend for 5 & 1/2 years. We are still quite young, but I can’t help but feel a little disappointed when I see (and it seems like a lot of them lately) our friends and people we went to school with getting engaged. I don’t know about your situation but sometimes when I’m feeling a bit sad about it I concentrate on what we do have together. We bought our first home at the age of 20, have two beautiful puppies and although I am still completing my Bachelor of Nursing I have a job I absolutely love, as does my boyfriend. We have great times together and apart from general bickering, we get along great! Do you think that there are still positives with your relationship with your SO? Do you still feel in love? Do you think that you would be happier without your SO or do you think you would miss him? Sorry if it seems that I have made this post about me, I just know I feel better sometimes knowing I’m not alone! HUGS!
Post # 4
I can relate!! My fiancé proposed after months of asking when It was going to happen. We’ve been together 7 years and honestly felt he needed the push. It’s the wedding that makes him nervous not the marriage!!! He has “pushed” me too …. like moving out on my own etc. i hope everything works out!
Post # 5
I can feel the sadness in your writing. I feel like I know what you mean about not being able to move forward, don’t know whether he’s right anymore. my advice is you definitely will not be able to move forward if you don’t tell him what is wrong, staying silent will only lead to resentment and bitterness. Even if it means the relationship is over, you need to tell him what this feels like.
In terms of whether there are men out there who will push a bit harder… I’m not sure. There are organised men out there but they tend to be gay in my experience or else they are organised in only a few aspects of their lives, like with their sport or something. no one likes to be let down, that’s another issue. I would say constantly being let down is not good and a sign that this May not be the right relationship for you. But I wonder how much of your feeling is related to depression. are you depressed because of the relationship or are you depressed and the relationship appears worse in your eyes, than it actually is..?
It is hard when we silently pin our hopes on a particular time (I.e your 10 yr anniversary). I did this while we holidayd in NYC. Eventually I realised it wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know what the answer is. I just hated that limbo when I didn’t know when/whether he was going to propose. It took a real leap of faith for me to stick around as long as I did.
i just wanted to tell you I think I know what you’re going through. I hope this all resolves itself. It’s a hard time. Always just remember you deserve to be loved and feel loved.
Post # 6
Truthfully? You need to put your foot down, issue an ultimatum, and move on if he still won’t propose. Most studies and dating advice I’ve read says that the chance of him proposing after the 2-3 yr mark plummets. Even for the rare few who date “a prolonged period of time”–defined as greater than 3 years–but still make it down the aisle, the divorce stats are in their disfavor: one study I read showed that the group with highest divorce rates and shortest marriages was the group with the 3+ year courtships. Yes, the divorce rates were even higher for couples who took things slow getting married than the couples who were the opposite extreme and married impulsively quick!!! There are a few logical factors that could explain this, most notably that perhaps long-courted couples only marry out of obligation from one partner or others, with the expectation that they should marry after so long. One or both partners may not have their heart into the marriage. But yeah I don’t know why you’d wait so long. I could see you waiting 4 or 5 years maybe, since you started dating him at 20 when you were still probably too young to want or feel ready for marriage. But by the time you hit good marrying age (mid 20s) and there was still no proposal in sight, you should have skidaddled and found a guy who wanted marriage. Truthfully, if your SO is 38 and still not ready to propose, he might not ever be the “marrying type”. I’ve learned the hard way that if I see a good looking good catch of a guy who’s in his mid 30s or older and never married (especially if he had multiple kids with the same woman but still refused to marry her), then I should RUN because most likely he’ll never want to narry and that’s all him not me.
Post # 7
When you say things like “I think he suspects,” “Talking has just made this worse,” and “He hasn’t asked me what’s wrong as I have hardly been responsive to him for several days now” it points to a REAL lack of communication.
A marriage should be based on good, solid communication… not dropping hints or expecting him to pick up on things going on with you.
If you don’t start really, truely talking about thing with him you will never get what you want.
Try the book “Communication Miracles for Couples,” I found that to be a very useful tool in learning to communicate better.
Or if you’d rather not work on that, try the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Post # 8
I’m really sorry you’re in this situation.
I say wait until after new year’s eve (a lot of men seem to think this is a great time to propose). If it doesn’t happen then, I think you need to be completely honest and open with him and tell him how much this is upsetting you and making you doubt your relationship.
It sounds like this is a dealbreaker for you so if he still doesn’t pop the question then, I think you should really think seriously about moving on and finding someone else. It will be really hard, but otherwise you’re just wasting your time…
Post # 9
Depression is a lying bastard. Don’t make any big decisions when you’re in such a dark place. My advice will always be to assert yourself and make your feelings known – over-communicating is way better than under-communicating. He’s your partner! Let him in and be fully honest with him.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Ten years is a long time to wait but, I have to say, it’s slightly unfair that you never wanted marriage and now are so upset about it. You were together for six years giving the impression that you never wanted to get married. So, as for the study that the prior bee mentioned, I don’t think that applies since at years 2-3 you would not have said yes to marriage.
Also, if you are always the one to plan everything then maybe he assumed that you didn’t want to do anything for your anniversary this year.
I guess I feel like there is a serious lack of communication here. I completely understand where you are coming from, but I also feel like perhaps your thoughts have not been communicated to him and I also feel that your thoughts on your relationship have changed dramatically. I just don’t think it is fair to expect something of someone when you haven’t communicated your expectations to them.
Post # 11
I wish I could hug you right now. Once your mind has cleared and you are back on stable footing TALK TO HIM! Please! It’s not fair for you to watch your life go by with no control over the direction. Tell him you want to get engaged, get married and move forward. Have a timeline- whether it be set in stone or fluid- of when you’d like this to take place. And if it doesn’t? Walk away. If marriage is important to you and he will not give it to you then it’s just torturing yourself staying and secretly hoping things will change. When you have a desire for something don’t ever just sit back and hope- MAKE it happen. Seriously, life is so short and way too short to waste precious years in a holding pattern.
I’m not a waiting bee but your post spoke out to me, hope it’s ok I responded.
Post # 12
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You said that you weren’t interested in marriage until 4 years ago, and you’ve let him know that you wanted to get married – kudos to you for clearly communicating your needs and for sticking around that long!
You said a ring has been made…do you think that was to string you along or that it’ll be used one day? I think that if you’ve already had an honest heart-to-heart and you don’t want to revisit addressing your wanting to get married because he already knows this, you should set a walk date. Regardless of whether or not you clue him in about it (i.e. issue an ultimatum), you should set a date where you set yourself free of being in a disappointing, unhappy situation.
But of course, I’m rooting for him coming around and proposing. 🙂
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Take these “bouts” of depression seriously, no matter what happens. You should really consider therapy. It will also help you figure out what you want to do in terms of your relationship.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Please take care of yourself.