Post # 1
I’ve been dating same guy for 10 years. We don’t live together, although we tried, but due to a bad disease, we couldn’t afford to stay where we were. Now we both still live with our parents. He has been through lay offs which was hard, and now works two part time jobs. I have brought up the conversation of marriage, telling him that at least getting to the engagement part would be a new step in this long dating relationship. Even told him a $25 ring would make me happy. He just doesn’t seem like he wants too. I am 31 and he is 32, and I question what my life will be like if this is all there is. I know it’s going to be hard with no place of our own, and I’m not saying if he pops the question we will be having to be married right away and in a place of our own. I know we might never get a place of our own either. I have offered that if my mother and I were to find a bigger place, would he want to move in….but i never get a straight answer. I love him and don’t know what I’ll do without him.
Post # 2
So your plan is to be a married couple in your 30s living in separate family homes? Bee it doesn’t sound like you are in a position to be married, 10 years doesn’t really matter when you can’t even live together. Can you not work on saving a security deposit so you can rent and once you’re starting to look at apartments you could talk engagements? Would you want a wedding?
Post # 3
details of your romantic relationship aside it doesn’t sound like either of you are in a place in your lives where marriage is a reasonable step.
Post # 4
Marriage isn’t just another step you do after it has been a certain amount of time dating. Neither is engagement. It isn’t just another stage of dating.
It sounds like he can barely make ends meet just for himself, let alone support a new family/wife who appears to also be incapable of supporting herself. And your long-term plan is to just continue being separate or have him move in with your mom? I don’t know of a grown adult alive whose idea of marriage is still being under the thumb of their parents because they are not yet capable of being a self-sustaining independent adult. It really does not sound like either of you are prepared for engagement or marriage and the commitment it requires to work together to start as a new family of just the two of you. You should be focusing on how to make that happen and not on 25 dollar rings and labels like “engaged”.
Post # 5
I think you both should be more concerned with setting up your financial future then moving out of your parent’s home. And maybe then worry about an engagement. Your boyfriend has a lot on his plate so I think he is being reasonable.
Post # 6
I have to agree with PP’s here. While 10 years is a fairly long time to date, it sounds like you’re both not ready for marriage given that you can’t even live together. How will he support having a family if he’s barely making it now?
I don’t believe its unreasonable for him to not want to move in with you and your parents. Honestly, I’d rather wait and save money to be able to afford to move out on my own before moving in with Fiance and his parents if that were my situation. But that could be just me.
While I understand your frustrations on waiting, I think this is a unique circumstance where finances are more important to sort out so you can start married life on the right foot.
Post # 7
What is your own situation? Do you have health issues that prevent you from working? Do you have any savings? It seems you’ve both handled some considerable stress in the past, but you haven’t been able to pick yourselves up, either individually or as a couple….What are your own goals for the future- financially/ career wise/ retraining/ schooling/ therapy etc? I think you both need to work on yourselves rather than a future that would involve your boyfriend moving in with you and your mom. You can’t merely go by ‘length of relaitonship’ as part of a formula when there are so many other factors involved here.
Post # 8
If he won’t give you a straight answer, that’s your answer. He doesn’t want what you want.
A lot of people would not want to move in with their longterm gf/bf and that person’s parent(s). That’s a perfectly reasonable perspective.
From your post I’m not 100% clear, can either of you support yourselves?
Not sure where you live or your cultural background, but where I live, it would be very odd for two people living with their parents to get engaged while living with their parents. Especially at your age group.
People that age are usually more focused on supporting themselves in their own home. I realize some people don’t so that, but since this is an advice board: If I were you (either of you), I wouldn’t propose.
I wouldn’t want to live with my partners parents. I wouldn’t want to propose to someone who doesn’t/won’t/can’t support them self.
Post # 9
Barring you aren’t both horribly disabled, I think the best thing is for you both to become independent adults and then revisit marriage way down the line when you’re able to support yourselves and plan a marriage that doesn’t involve living with someone’s parents indefinitely.
Post # 10
10 years and no steps forward. You are living at your parents’. He is living at his parents’. You are in your 30’s. UNLESS you are severely disabled, you need to change this arrangement. You need to find an apartment and move out. Your boyfriend needs to find an apartment and move out. Not necessarily with each other, because though you love him, I think you would end up enabling each other.
You are kidding yourself if you think he is ready to get engaged. I personally think he is comfortable living with mommy and daddy and not willing to change that.
Post # 11
I haven’t read all the replies to your post. But I’ve been with my partner (who I’ve recently blocked his number) coming close to 11yrs now so I know what you’re dealing with.
We also don’t live under the same roof.
Being patient won’t get you anywhere. Either you do something about the situation you’re in. Or you simply put up with it and wait.
I’m trying to move on as of today.
Post # 12
It’s a much better idea to be in a position where you can financially and emotionally support yourself without living with your parents before you both make the decision to progress your relationship.
If you can’t afford your life why do you want to make it more complicated with an engagement you can’t afford and a wedding you can’t afford?
Do you seriously expect him to propose when he can’t even pay his bills without living at home?