(Closed) 10 years no engagement

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

So your plan is to be a married couple in your 30s living in separate family homes? Bee it doesn’t sound like you are in a position to be married, 10 years doesn’t really matter when you can’t even live together. Can you not work on saving a security deposit so you can rent and once you’re starting to look at apartments you could talk engagements? Would you want a wedding?

Post # 3
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee

details of your romantic relationship aside it doesn’t sound like either of you are in a place in your lives where marriage is a reasonable step. 

Post # 4
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee

Marriage isn’t just another step you do after it has been a certain amount of time dating.  Neither is engagement.  It isn’t just another stage of dating.

It sounds like he can barely make ends meet just for himself, let alone support a new family/wife who appears to also be incapable of supporting herself.  And your long-term plan is to just continue being separate or have him move in with your mom?  I don’t know of a grown adult alive whose idea of marriage is still being under the thumb of their parents because they are not yet capable of being a self-sustaining independent adult.  It really does not sound like either of you are prepared for engagement or marriage and the commitment it requires to work together to start as a new family of just the two of you.  You should be focusing on how to make that happen and not on 25 dollar rings and labels like “engaged”.

Post # 5
Member
3056 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think you both should be more concerned with setting up your financial future then moving out of your parent’s home. And maybe then worry about an engagement. Your boyfriend has a lot on his plate so I think he is being reasonable.

Post # 6
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I have to agree with PP’s here. While 10 years is a fairly long time to date, it sounds like you’re both not ready for marriage given that you can’t even live together. How will he support having a family if he’s barely making it now?

I don’t believe its unreasonable for him to not want to move in with you and your parents. Honestly, I’d rather wait and save money to be able to afford to move out on my own before moving in with Fiance and his parents if that were my situation. But that could be just me.

While I understand your frustrations on waiting, I think this is a unique circumstance where finances are more important to sort out so you can start married life on the right foot. 

Post # 7
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

What is your own situation? Do you have health issues that prevent you from working? Do you have any savings? It seems you’ve both handled some considerable stress in the past, but you haven’t been able to pick yourselves up, either individually or as a couple….What are your own goals for the future- financially/ career wise/ retraining/ schooling/ therapy etc? I think you both need to work on yourselves rather than a future that would involve your boyfriend moving in with you and your mom. You can’t merely go by ‘length of relaitonship’ as part of a formula when there are so many other factors involved here. 

Post # 8
Member
999 posts
Busy bee

If he won’t give you a straight answer, that’s your answer. He doesn’t want what you want.

A lot of people would not want to move in with their longterm gf/bf and that person’s parent(s). That’s a perfectly reasonable perspective. 

From your post I’m not 100% clear, can either of you support yourselves? 

Not sure where you live or your cultural background, but where I live, it would be very odd for two people living with their parents to get engaged while living with their parents. Especially at your age group.

People that age are usually more focused on supporting themselves in their own home. I realize some people don’t so that, but since this is an advice board: If I were you (either of you), I wouldn’t propose. 

I wouldn’t want to live with my partners parents. I wouldn’t want to propose to someone who doesn’t/won’t/can’t  support them self. 

Post # 9
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Barring you aren’t both horribly disabled, I think the best thing is for you both to become independent adults and then revisit marriage way down the line when you’re able to  support yourselves and plan a marriage that doesn’t involve  living with someone’s parents indefinitely.

Post # 10
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

10 years and no steps forward.  You are living at your parents’.  He is living at his parents’.  You are in your 30’s.  UNLESS you are severely disabled, you need to change this arrangement.  You need to find an apartment and move out.  Your boyfriend needs to find an apartment and move out.  Not necessarily with each other, because though you love him, I think you would end up enabling each other.

You are kidding yourself if you think he is ready to get engaged.  I personally think he is comfortable living with mommy and daddy and not willing to change that.

Post # 11
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
Donna3 :  I haven’t read all the replies to your post. But I’ve been with my partner (who I’ve recently blocked his number) coming close to 11yrs now so I know what you’re dealing with. 

We also don’t live under the same roof. 

Being patient won’t get you anywhere. Either you do something about the situation you’re in. Or you simply put up with it and wait. 

I’m trying to move on as of today. 

Post # 12
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee

It’s a much better idea to be in a position where you can financially and emotionally support yourself without living with your parents before you both make the decision to progress your relationship. 

If you can’t afford your life why do you want to make it more complicated with an engagement you can’t afford and a wedding you can’t afford? 

Do you seriously expect him to propose when he can’t even pay his bills without living at home? 

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