10 years or more before getting engaged/married?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My husband and I have been married roughly 3 months but just celebrated last week what I now call “Ten Years of Us” Anniversary! 🙂

I think every relationship is very different in why/when/how they decide on marriage.

For us, there were family…difficulties at the beginning from my end. It was important to me, him and us that we wait until those difficulties were overcomed. It was important to us that my family completely accepted him. Not just “deal” with it. But welcome him into my family. It was really important to both of us that my family be truly happy for us on our wedding day. We wanted them to be there on our wedding day because they wanted to be there for us. And not because they had to.

Between that and life just getting in the way. When you’ve date for so long life has a way of intervening! Like we opted to buy a house when the opportunity presented itself instead of spending the $$ on the wedding.Because of that on our wedding day we had been dating 9 years.

We always say if it weren’t because of the “issues” we will probably be married with two kids already by now. 🙂

Do we regret waiting?

Absolutely not. The pure JOY and LOVE on my family’s face on our wedding day was worth the wait.

That being said the wait was a decision we both agreed to and wanted. So I can’t claim to know what it feels like to wait for it to happen in that sense.

I have a friend who’s dated her high school boyfriend for 10 years. There were many tears, ultimatums and nights spent away from their home because of the whole non-proposal issue. To an outsider at least I really do not get why he took SO long to propose? They both have decent paying jobs so money was not the issue. Both families loved each others so that was not an issue.After many ultimatums he finally popped the question and they are getting married next year.

So, I don’t know. I don’t know if because he was too comfortable? They’ve been living together for years already and already had a life together. Or. I can’t help and think sometimes if he was waitng for something better to come along? Or maybe after many ultimatums and the relationship was starting to head south he realized he will lose her if he didn’t propose?

Who knows?

ETA: Without knowing you or your boyfriend or your relationship….
You obviously want marriage. The union and symbolism of it. Does he want that as well? Does he know how much YOU want it? If he doesn’t want the marriage idea because of whatever reason and is not willing to bend on it for you. Are you willing to bend on it to stay with him forever as man and woman? And not husband and wife?
I ask only because I know there are couples out there who love each other with all their hearts but they (or one partner) just don’t see the point of “marriage”.

I think what’s important that you are both on the same page.

Post # 4
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I was 18, just shy of turning 19, when we got engaged.  I happened to be knocked up when he proposed.  I didn’t marry him until I was 28. 

Having 3 kids in that time span kind of got in the way.  We were so busy with our kids, our house, his business, my job, that we never got around to it.  We laugh that every time we said we’d get married on XYZ date, I’d find out I was pregnant again!  One day he came home and said “Let’s go, we’re doing this now!” and we grabbed the kids, called the parents, got the license and found a JoP to marry us. 

I think “someone” told Darling Husband that, after 3 kids, he should just get this finalized and make me an “honest woman”!  I think that someone might’ve been our parents!  lol! 

Go figure that I got knocked up with baby #4 on our wedding night!  lol!  See … if we chose a date instead of him just coming home and saying “we’re doing this”, I would’ve missed another wedding date!  lol! 

Post # 5
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I grew up in the UK where (and anyone from there can either back me or correct me if I’m wrong) it’s really common to have long, long engagements. Most of my friends are engaged to the guys that they either a)met in grammar/secondary/high school, or b) met soon afterwards, and only one of them is actually married. They got together at 17, got married last summer, and we’re all turning 30 this year! In My Humble Opinion, sometimes, men just need to know what’s up – if this is something you need to do, it needs to be a discussion. A calm, thoughtful discussion if at all possible. I really hope that you can get himto sit down and talk to you and that you get some resolution! good luck!!!!

Post # 6
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@Isilme: 

I don’t beleive in ultimatums, and pretty much figure barring lack of family and other self esteem issues not helped by being an unmarried woman in a very long relationship getting much worse, I’ll be with him until I die, assuming he lets me, ceremony or not, so I’m not looking to be told to go find another man – I value him more than a ring or wedding… I just see the ring/wedding/changing of my name as a traditional sign that he values me, too, just as much, and not having it… is hurting pretty badly these days, no matter how sweet he is, no matter how much I can see him growing from a kind of Peter Pan to a real adult.      

Did you rummage around in my brain and dig those words out? Because that’s exactly how I feel, too! I just didn’t know how (or that I really wanted to) articulate the words! Granted, I haven’t been with my SO for nearly as long as you have (3 and a half years versus your 10) but the sentiment is the same. And we have a son together. So all that ‘go have your own life and live it elsewhere’ talk is not applicable to me. It may work for some, and no offense to those for whom it does, but I could never see myself doing that.

Here’s hoping us waiting ladies will get through the rest of holiday season without pulling our hair out, lol!

Post # 7
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i would NEVER wait that long!  i have a general rule of thumb that says that if a man won’t even consider getting married after two years, it’s time to move on. 

Post # 8
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have been with my So for 6yrs and I am ready to get married NOW but he wants to wait until he starts his business first before we take that step. Bottom line is I love this man and want to spend my life with him so I can’t see myself leaving cause I don’t have a ring.

Post # 9
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Private home

My husband and I met in 2001 and just celebrated our first wedding anniversary.  2 years and six months of that time was long distance, 3 years of living together.  It was worth the wait – by the time we got married, we knew eachother inside and out, and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, with or without a wedding.  In our case a long engagement wasn’t necessary and we got married last December after getting engaged in May.  You have to do what’s right for you, and for some that’s a long relationship before marriage.  Best of luck to you!

Post # 10
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

He proposed at seven and a half years and we’re planning to marry at nine and a half. We both knew very early on in our relationship that we had some sort of spark that we’d not experienced before. If he’d asked me 6 months in, I’d have probably said yes (but it would have been a disaster!). By the time he did propose, I was convinced that we would get married one day, but was expecting to wait much longer as he’d given me no signs that he’d decided to propose! It was such a lovely surprise!

Our friends were together 16 years before he proposed and 18 before they were married! And they’re very happy. She refused to re-start counting at one though – they’ve just celebrated their 20th Anniversary!

The thing is, if the relationship is right, then that’s where you’re meant to be. It’s not always easy though…

RainStorm. x

Post # 11
Member
9110 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

It took us 7 yrs.  DH was into it within our first year, but I wasn’t ready.  Once I was, he jumped on board.

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Our situation was very much like Gerbera’s. We were together for just over 10 years when he proposed. However, the first 5 of those 10 consisted of college (for me), lots of work (for us both), ups and downs. Once college graduation was within sight we made the decision to move in together and once that happened we were doing great…until family started pushing and generally being nutso about us getting married. This in turn caused fights and lots of them between us and the fam…my family that is. 

I was (and am) a strong believer in not pushing and giving ultimatums. I wanted him to ask me because he wanted to not because I or someone else pushed him to. Sure we discussed it but I didn’t push and refused to.

We wanted to take steps to establish/build our lives together with out help from parents, family etc. We saved and bought a house made renovations etc. Then got engaged a year and a half after the house.  

I waited for him because I knew we would get there in our own time. We communicated expectations and in the end he surprised the hell out of me because I didn’t see it coming.

*This is not to say that I didn’t hope every holiday, birthday or special event was “the day” or that I didn’t wish he’d hurry up…it just means I waited patiently kinda sorta. Laughing

Post # 13
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@katm12: You say a lot of sense! “I wanted him to ask me because he wanted to not because I or someone else pushed him to.” and “I waited for him because I knew we would get there in our own time.” – it’s hard to hold onto this truth sometimes, but this was exactly how I felt 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@RainStorm: I truly felt that way and still feel like it was the best perspective to have…even though its a tough process and sometimes friends and family don’t understand or agree with it. Its hard to wait but its totally worth it in the end!! Congrats on your engagement and happy planning Laughing

Post # 15
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

The Fiance and I will have been together for ten years on the date of our wedding.

We were both 18 when we met, so our biggest obstacle has been figuring out our lives.  He first brought up marriage three years into the relationship, and while I was totally flattered, we were young, so I felt no need to think too much about it.  It wasn’t until 6.5 years into the relationship that I wondered why he hadn’t proposed yet.  I thought that where we were at that point in our lives was a good time, but apparently men and women have different views on when it’s a good time for marriage.

For the next six months after I decided I was ready, trying to have an adult conversation with him about marriage was like pulling teeth, and one of us always ended up getting upset.  I ended up dropping the subject completely for about another year, but I was very resentful of the fact that he was willing to play house with me and yet all I was to him was “the girlfriend.”

A few months shy of our 8 yrs., I brought up marriage again, and the conversations were heading in the same direction as they did before.  My resentment was starting to affect my day to day function.  I finally sat him down one day and told him that we needed to have an adult conversation about his intentions to marry me.  I told him I promised not to get emotional if he promised not to get angry.  Everything came down to him thinking he needed to be at a certain point in his career before he proposed.  I told him that part of being committed is supporting each other through the climb, not just being around to celebrate at the summit, and that was the end of that conversation.  

At this point, I had also set a mental proposal deadline for one more year (until the end of 2011, 8+ years together), which wasn’t unreasonable IMO.  It was a very hard decision to make, and it would have been even harder to have to carry out, but I didn’t have it in me to be able to stay with him without my resentment resonating in everything I did/said. I don’t judge any woman who stays.  I just knew that I couldn’t.

I believe it was the calm conversation that did the trick.  I never told him about my mental deadline, and I’m pretty sure he never would’ve seen it coming.  He ended up proposing a month later.  As a way of showing that I also value his feelings, I told him I was ok with holding the wedding off for two years until he got med school under his belt.  Perhaps if you two [calmly] talk, you can also figure out what the hang-up is.

Sorry my post is so long.  I didn’t intend for it to be, but it was like emotional diarrhea once I started typing.  I hope this helps a little bit, even if it’s just emotional support:)  Good luck to you.

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