10yr gap between kids…. should I have a play mate for this one?

posted 2 weeks ago in Babies
Post # 16
Member
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have no experience as a mother, but keep in mind that thngs don’t always work out the way you might plan. I have a brother and sister close in age to me, and I am not close with either.

I have a good friend whose mother decided to have a second child so she would have a sibling to play with/be friends with. She ended up with twins, who are much closer to each other than they are to their older sister (my friend). The mother, of course, loves all 3, and laughs about it now,  but she will candidly telll you that having twins kind of defeated her purpose for having kids close togehter.

Post # 17
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Yes, I say go for a 4th! 💕

Post # 18
Hostess
3881 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Hunnibee88 :  My mom and her brothers are like this (very similar age gap, with her being the youngest).  She and her middle brother were actually very close, closer than the two brothers who were closer in age.  Unfortunately, he passed away suddenly when she was a teenager, but I have no doubt that they would have been close as adults as well.  I would not have a 4th just to “give” your 3rd a sibling, but if you want a 4th and your husband is on board, then go for it!  This is coming from a bee who plans to be one and done lol.  

Post # 19
Member
7835 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My 3 kids have a large age gap. Currently I have girls who are 16, 8 and 2. I don’t think age gaps make or break relationships, it’s more about personality. My 16 and 8 year old are exact opposites and I doubt they will ever be close. But my 16 year old adores my 2 year old and they get along well. The 8 and 2 year old are best buddies. 

Post # 20
Member
3778 posts
Honey bee

I am 10 years older than my little sister. She is the only child between my mom and my step dad who adopted me. I adored my little sister, babysat her often, and played with her all the time. If you have nurturing kids, my money would be on them doing the same. Don’t have another one as a play thing for your third child. Play dates, preschool, town clubs, etc. can provide plenty of friends and stimulation for child.

Post # 21
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

Hunnibee88 :  My sister and I are 10 years apart, she is my only sibling. We are very close, and I could not imagine my life without her. I would not have wanted my parents having another child just to give her a friend.

Post # 22
Member
2061 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can’t believe nobody else has said it?

4 kids is a lot these days and the world can’t sustain the population growth. The best thing we can do for the environment is have less kids.

So I vote at leaving it at 3.

Post # 23
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

My siblings were 12 and 16 when I was born. I never wished for a same aged sibling playmate

 

Post # 24
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

missviolet92 :  This, so much.

I have a sibling close in age and we’ve never been close. When we were young we fought a lot and both preferred spending time with our own friends. Age is no guarantee for anything. 

Post # 25
Member
936 posts
Busy bee

I grew up with siblings 2 and 4 years older than me. We’re not particularly close, but I also couldn’t imagine life without them. I don’t think emotional closeness is necessary for it to be worth it…simply growing up with someone who’s going through the same/similar growing phases, sharing a lot of the same interests, spreading out the focus of parental attention, that little influence of competition, etc. is a useful experience whether they end up as best friends or not. Not having a “playmate” certainly won’t harm them, but I think having one would enrich them…at least, that’s been my personal experience. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the positive AND negative experiences having siblings close in age put me through.

But ultimately, I agree with the notion that you should have a 4th because you want a 4th. There are pros and cons, and wanting your LO to experience having a sibling close in age shouldn’t be the *only* deciding factor. 

Post # 26
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Hunnibee88 :  

You’ve gotten plenty of responses about the sibling question so I’m not going to address that, especially since I think the ultimate deciding factor is about what you want.  With me and my husband, he was always supportive of us having as many children as I wanted but neither of us wanted a bus load, lol!  I originally wanted five but knew that was unlikely as motherhood is challenging and I would probably draw the line at fewer.  As it happened, I drew the line at two (sort of) being overwhelmed by health issues, I went in to talk to my doctor about a tubal ligation.  As I sat there I was about one week preggers, just a few days shy of it showing up on a test.  When I was back in a week later for my ligation follow up and asked for zofran for my pregnancy nausea instead of surgery, my doc offered abortion on the spot and was annoyed that I declined.  I’m so glad I kept that baby!  She brings me so much joy!  But… I cried a lot during that pregnancy due to my health issues and feeling overwhelmed.  Feeling overwhelmed continued until she was about five.  After that I began to crave having a baby again but each time the thought went through my head I reminded myself of how sick and exhausted I had been.  Over the years my wish to have a baby got stronger but my ability to take care of one did not.  It was an emotional struggle.  My kids wanted another sibling and frequently asked me to have another baby.  I had to say no to them and to my own heart but I was very sad about it. In fact I went in to get my tubes blocked through a procedure that is less invasive than a tubal ligation but the procedure failed bc they couldn’t find my left tube.  What the heck?!  It was all so emotionally draining.  I had sobbed uncontrollably at the consult but managed to hold myself together for the procedure (attempt) and was back to being an emotional wreck.  Based on how it affected me, my husband and I decided we would not take any permanent measures going forward and just take it one day at a time.  To this day I wish that I could have had another.  I missed holding my babies, I missed breastfeeding, I miss their little hands reaching up with their tiny fingers to touch my face when I fed them.  I never had more because my health continued to decline.  But I’m glad I started young so I got my three before my body betrayed me!  I had a hysterectomy for health reasons last spring so the question is now off the table.  But I still wish….

Anyway, the point of sharing all of this is to bring validation to the question about whether or not to have more–it’s just as valid a question as whether or not to have the first, or whether or not to have any at all or none altogether.  This I is a marriage website and secondarily a relationship website.  Advice here centers around not settling or ignoring your core values.  If a person desires marriage, don’t settle for a relationship that won’t result in it. If you want kids, don’t stay with someone who is CFBC.  If you are CFBC, don’t be with someone who wants kids etc….On that note, if you and your husband are on the same page (if not that’s a different story) and you really desire to have another, and have the resources to care for another, then have one.  Have the family you and your spouse want, small or large, regardless of internet opinions.  If you feel content with the children you have, don’t feel pressured to have another.  I hope you reach a decision that makes you and your husband feel good about.  Best wishes.

Post # 27
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

Hunnibee88 :  I am the eldest of three kids, with this exact situation. My brother was born 9 years after my other brother, who is only two years younger than me. My mother also had the EXACT same thoughts and questions. And while each situation is TOTALLY different. She believes she made the best decision. She made sure our youngest brother had more access to friends… and he really lived a different childhood than the two of us, but all in all a very good childhood. Just more the life of an only child… with 4 parents, hahahah. With that age gap he really didn’t have a sibling and we did not become “close” until he became an adult. But he really did have what amounted to 4 parents. 4 people caring for him, admonishing him, loving him, etc. 

Post # 28
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee

missviolet92 :  This was my first thought too. 4 kids is a lot, especially if the reasoning is just because you’re worried about the 3rd not having a playmate close in age. It’s not a good reason, so especially if you don’t feel a huge pull for the 4th, I’d hold off. 

Post # 29
Member
2061 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

browneyedgirl24 :  exactly, I come from a huge family myself and we are limiting ourselves to 2. I read the post yesterday and then thought someone else would say it but they didnt. 

Post # 30
Member
1618 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

My brothers were 16 and 17 when I was born. We are all super close despite the gap. I’m the little sister and I love it! No need for a playmate. I was always more mature than other kids my age by being around older people. It was also  fun to become an aunt at 15. 

this is not a good reason to just have another kid! 

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