11 years and counting …was heaven now is my hell

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

MissMetal1 :  

This is all going to sound a little harsh but, you do realize have a son and not a partner right? 

 

A 28 year old should be responsible for his own finances and bills.  You’ve taken over this responsibility and he was happy to give it over as any boy would but at the same time, he resents you for it.  And of course he uses you!  You’ve put a sign around your neck saying “USE ME PLEASE”!  He guilt’s you into compliance and makes you feel bad about yourself.   Name one time you put a consequence to his actions….just one example.

 

He spends as a child with no responsibility would. Hey you pay all the bills, take care of the home and all he has to do is spend the money. He’s got it incredibly good because you provide it for him.  Why on earth would he ever want to change how he lives?  More importantly, why would he marry his own “nagging mother” and why would you want to marry an immature, manipulative, self-absorbed little boy?  Do you not see how this ends?

 

If he won’t create his own account, close your current one and create a new one with only your name on it and under no circumstances are you to provide him access.  Give him his $$ and let him deal with it his way.  Then move into a more affordable place or kick him out.  Next, get some therapy to figure out why you would even want a life with this little boy and why you chose to mother him so you don’t make this mistake again.  Move on with your life and find an actual man who knows how to take care of himself and cares about you. 

 

Honestly, this relationship is the product of YOUR choices or lack thereof.  You’ve put your life on hold to take care of this boy and you’ve grown resentful and of it.  Recognize your role in this fiasco of a relationship and choose to do better for yourself.

Post # 17
Member
14 posts
Newbee

It sounds a bit like he’s using you, indeed. BUT, there’s a reason you have been together for eleven years. (Btw – I’m not surprised you barely argue – you hardly seem to put down a foot when he does something stupid!) If you don’t want to end things immeadiatly, you’ve got two options:

A: Close that account first, then get yoursef a new one, take him to the bank, sit down together and get one account for him and one for you two guys together (with both of your names)

You need to find out what your monthly expenses are and both of you pay half of it onto that together-account. (Make sure you cannot go into dept with that and make sure you cannot have direct debits to prevent him from having monthly subscriptions payed off of your shared account).

This shared account will be used for insurances you share, rent, food etc.. but NOTHING else. Maybe put on some extra cash if possible. If one of you earns much more than the other one you can take that into account if you want (e.g. you have expenses of 2k a month and one earns 4k, the other 2k, make one pay 650 bucks and the other one 1,35k or sth. like that).

B: If you don’t want this, calculate your exact expenses nevertheless, split it and then keep the exact amount of his money. Give the rest of his money to him – cash. If it’s gone, it’s gone. You could take all the instalments he signed in your name into that calculation and keep that, too and prevent him from ordering something online in your name/your costs.

I’d strongly recommend option A, but whatever you do or decide, you need to sit down and have a serious serious conversation. Did you ever have one about his spending habits? I don’t mean a little chat, but a ‘sit down, we need to talk.’ Make him understand that this is a serious situation and conversation you’re in, and something that is possibly relationship ending if you don’t work on it – maybe you could even get a close friend or family member to mediate. You NEED to put a foot down and you NEED him to listen. If he doesn’t want, I’d consider ending things. There’s a chance that he just got used to the situation and doesn’t see any reasons to change something (of course not, as he’s the one who benefits from it) unless you get him to understand the condition of your relationship.

I wish you the best!

 

Post # 18
Member
985 posts
Busy bee

Maybe I missed something or simply dont understand….why are you handing his money? Why is he not paying rent or bills? WHy does he have access to your bank account?

Post # 19
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

What you allow will continue.

Option A- He won’t stop. You’ll wind up pregnant, he won’t marry you, he’ll be just another bum and you’ll continue to be another enabler.

Option B-You look in the mirror and realize this is your life. Get a new bank account, get a new apartment and get rid of this dude. 

 If you don’t get a new bank account, this guy will bleed you dry and/or sign you up for debt.  Change your email password today.  Change your bank accounts today. Put a fraud alert on your social security # (or equivalent) today.  Tell your banks your credit card numbers need to be changed TODAY.  Do not let them mail you a new card. Tell them you’d rather pick it up at a bank branch.  

(If you think a user like this doesn’t have access to all of this and more, you are mistaken)

Do all of the electronic accounts first. Talk to your landlord about how you can remove yourself from the lease.  Follow their instructions.  In 30 days, realize how far you’ve come and be very proud of yourself.

 

Post # 20
Member
10106 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s flat out using you.

Post # 21
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

As others suggested, open a new account and move your money there. Look for a new place to live. And while he is away with his friends, move out. You’ve already wasted enough time on someone who doesn’t care about you at all. 

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