11yrs (going on 12yrs) together. And still no commitment.

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

It’s hard to offer any advice when you haven’t really said anything about your relationship at all. 

Post # 3
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

You should NEVER feel obligated to stay in a toxic living situation, even with your parents. It is not your responsibility to help them pay their house. I think your first step to taking control back in your life is to move out.

I know this is “easier said than done” but you can do it in small steps while accommodating your parents financial situation. Give to them 3 months (or more if you want) notice. Let them know you will help post for a roommate if they can’t afford to live there alone. But you DESERVE to experience life on your own. You know deep down this is what you need.

Don’t be passive in your own life. Take control! You got this, bee!

Post # 4
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

 You posted this 3 years ago. You keep setting walk dates and never actually going through with it. It’s time to move on. 

 

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 years. Early April (next month), we will hopefully be celebrating our 9 year anniversary as a newly engaged couple. 
Last year, I told my boyfriend that if he didn’t propose by end of 2015, I’d end our relationship. He never proposed. When he admitted that he never took action, it was extremely upsetting. How could someone you love be aware of your needs yet not do anything about it? Despite that, I gave him another chance. 
I’ll be turning 31 2 weeks from now. And this time, I told him that if he doesn’t propose by my birthday, (again) I’ll end our relationship. After the devastating news at the end of 2015, I’ve strengthened myself to prepare to walk should he not propose. “

 

 

Post # 5
Member
3864 posts
Honey bee

Well two years ago you broke up and were posting about yelling obscenities at him.  Did you get therapy like everyone in nearly all of your previous posts recommended?  Cause this doesn’t seem like a stable or healthy 11 years.

And exactly what is he supposed to do? Marry you and then live with your mommy and daddy since you refuse to leave now because you claim they need you there to pay the mortgage?  I can’t see any one voluntarily signing up to board that train.

You are focusing on the wrong thing.  He’s not a knight on a white horse coming to save you.  You need to save yourself and get your shit together before you seriously consider marriage with anyone.  Nothing has changed in three years because you did nothing to change it.  In fact, I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re afraid to change and you’ve saddled yourself to this dead weight boyfriend because subconsciously you know nothing will change and you can blame that on someone else instead of taking responsibility for your own life and happiness.  You’re a passive observer to your own life and it will always be that way until you decide to change it.

 

Post # 6
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

Oh bee.  I’m sorry.  It sounds like you have a lot of issues.  You need to stop waiti g for and being supported by other people.  You dont owe your parents support.  You dont need to ‘wait’ for your boyfriend.  

If your parents cant afford their home, they need to downsize.  You dont need to help them pay for it.  You need to move out and move on with your life.  Dump the guy and find yojr own place.  Live your life to the fullest.  Yes it may seem hard at 34, but it’s now or never.  I’ve known many people in their 30s who have completely changed their lives.  You can do it. And as other pps have mentioned, look for a good therapist.

Post # 7
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Start looking up apartments or retirement communities, find something your parents can afford.  Tell them to sell the house (might be a short sale) because you are moving out.  You don’t owe your life to them.  Those are things you can do

The only way your life will change is when YOU make the change.  If you find yourself unable to make changes then maybe you need some therapy.  That’s something else you can do and I suggest you make it a priority.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.

We can tell you what to do all day, every day but YOU have to get off your butt and act for anything to happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
2354 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

We don’t know what you want from this post either. You didn’t take the advice you were given 3 years and your words and actions mean nothing sooo? Nobody is going to sit around and baby you because you refuse to pilot your own life. It’s very frustrating when bees spend time giving well thought out advice to someone like you and then you do exactly nothing good with it and then come back for more. It makes zero sense. 

Post # 9
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

What would I do? 

 

1. Grow a backbone, give your parents 3 months notice that you’re moving out. They can either sell and downsize or find a new tenant. Find your own place; you’re 34.

 

2. Dump your boyfriend. Find your own life and choose happiness. 

 

Or, what you will probably do:

1. Stay. Be miserable at home and in your relationship. Post on wedding bee in 2029 that you’ve been together for 22 years, you’re 44, and you still don’t live together.

 

Life happens when you start living it. Don’t be a victim.

 

Post # 10
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Wow. Since 2015 you haven’t made any changes in your life amd continue to do nothing.

Since then I’ve moved 3x, got married and had a child. 

Your life is what you make it. No one is going to rescue you or take over. May 2019 be the wake up call you need. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Your living situation and your relationship are two different issues. You cannot tie your moving out to your boyfriend proposing because it isn’t going to happen. You need to focus on yourself first.

The money you’re putting towards your parents’ mortgage can go to a new apartment for yourself. The money your parents are putting towards the mortgage, plus money from the sale of the house, can go towards supporting themselves in a more sustainable living situation.

Once you’re out of the house and independent you’ll be in a better position to deal with your relationship i.e. stop settling for less with this current boyfriend.

Post # 12
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee

You are not responsible for your parents financial situation or retirement. IF you are having trouble accepting that and moving out and living your own life than please go get some therapy. It is not normal to feel financially trapped by your parents. Sort that out first and move out and then deal with finding a relationship with someone who is a good fit for you. 

Post # 13
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You are stuck and overwhelmed, and while I’ve been there and it’s a horrible emotional state, it is also your choice. You can’t because you won’t. You are letting everyone else — your parents, your boyfriend — determine your future. Taking control of your life means taking respsonsibility, leaving familiar (if toxic) situations, and making mistakes. I get that it’s hard, but you are 34 and have no life of your own. As hard as it is to imagine, you absolutely can, and you must.

Don’t think big picture at first — that might be too overwhelming. Just think of one next step, and then the next, and then the next one after that. When you’ve accomplished a few things to take control of your life, the inertia will change and you will be motivated to do more. Then write out some life goals and start on the path of pursuing them. The first thing I would do is research apartments in your area — prices, locations, etc. You don’t have to move out immediately, but look at the possibilities. These steps are hard, but what is harder is living in miserable circumstances and not doing anything about them. This is within your ability and control. You will be so proud of yourself when you are living your own life on your terms.

Post # 14
Member
4288 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Tell your parents to downsize. 

If they can’t afford to live there without you paying for 1/3 of the mortgage then they need to sell and move to a smaller house or an apartment. 

You need to move out and take some responsibility for your own life and your own happiness.  It isn’t hard to move, you are just avoiding taking on adult things because you are scared.  It is totally normal but the longer you wait the harder it will get.

I wouldn’t get engaged if my partner was 34 and living at home either so I sympathize with your boyfriend.

What is his living situation?

If I was you I would be telling your parents you will be moving out within the next 2 months. 

Post # 15
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

I have a lovely option for you:

First

-Figure out how much your parents can afford (obviously 2x whatever you are paying)

-Find a place that costs that and send it to them

 

pt 2

-Find a place that you can afford

-Give them notice that you’re leaving

-Move out

The relationship with your parents doesn’t sound healthy. There is a lot of talk about “mommas boys” and not cutting the cord, but that can go for women too. 

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