11yrs (going on 12yrs) together. And still no commitment.

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
533 posts
Busy bee

It’s scary to make huge changes when you have been living with the same situation for nearly 12 years (and in the case of your parents, probably longer), but what I think is a lot scarier is the prospect of living the next 10 or 20 years like this.

Life is short. You get only one life. Only one. Is this how you want to spend it? Because every day that you don’t make a decision is a day you’ll never get back. 

You’re not a victim here; neither your parents nor your boyfriend (I presume) is locking you up and forcing you to stay against your will. Both of them will be ok if you leave. Imagine if (God forbid) you were run over by a car tomorrow and were no longer here? Your parents would make a plan. So would your boyfriend.

It’s time to live life for you. You’re miserable at home, so move out. Your boyfriend is fart-arsing around and not keeping his word with absolutely no consequences, so leave.

Post # 17
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

anonp :  I think its time to completely change this lifestyle that you call life , There is nothing good about this. Dump the boyfriend and move out of your parents house  , the fact you are 33 and still living at home is not very good I understand your parents need help with the mortage but that should not be on you at all! Just not okay. I read some previous threads about how your boyfriend was hitting on your cousin! why are you still with this jerk???? 

Post # 18
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s not going to marry you in 12 years or 20 years. 

Post # 19
345 posts
Helper bee

If your parents can’t afford their mortgage now, you getting engaged or married won’t magically change that. Are you expecting to still live with your parents after marriage, or are you wanting him to play the knight in shining armor and rescue you from your parents? 

Your current living and family situation is going to be a huge problem for anyone you date, as no one wants to get involved in such a toxic mess. I don’t blame your boyfriend for not wanting to move forward in the relationship if you haven’t shown any initiative towards extracting yourself from the situation you are in. Your parents need to find a new place that they can afford on their own, and you need to move out on your own ASAP and become an independent adult. 

Post # 20
922 posts
Busy bee

I would feel sorry for you but you’ve been posting the same story for years and years now, and nothing has changed. You could have met and married someone else by now! I have no sympathy for people who wallow in their own misery and refuse to make any changes.

Post # 21
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

You don’t seem to be strong enough to make the decision you need to make. You’re paralyzed and overwhelmed. The bees here are frustrated because you are not following their great advice. They might not be able to see that you lack the strength to take the plunge because you’re so down that you don’t see a way out.

Well, here’s the solution for you:

GET THEE TO THERAPY! That’s a simple step which will change your life.

Post # 22
8716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonp :  You are not responsible for your parents’ mortgage or finances. If you want to move and they can’t afford the house without your contribution, then they will have to find a house that they can afford. That’s all. That’s what people do. Their money situation is not your responsibility, it’s not your fault, and you can’t fix it. Children are supposed to grow up and leave the nest. If some choose not to and it works for them and their parents, good for them. But for most people, leaving your parents to start your own household is a normal, healthy, and exciting part of life. Don’t feel bad for wanting that and/or making it happen. If they truly are toxic, I would not tell them anything until you’re ready to move out or maybe even after you’ve already moved. Ignore their guilt trips and anger. Brace for it because you know it’s coming, but just ignore it once it starts. 

Regarding your boyfriend, it is clear as day that marriage is not going to happen. That’s actually probably a good thing because this relationship does not sound happy or healthy. What you hit 6 years together, you were sad and confused about 6 years and no commitment. Then 9 years, same thing. You even came here and posted about it. Now it’s 12 years and nothing has changed. The only reason to stay with this guy is if you get some morbid pleasure from knowing you’ll be miserable for another 3, 6, 9 years from now. Do you enjoy the suffering and tormenting yourself every holiday and vacation, wondering if this is when he finally asks? If so, then stay. If not, you need to leave because that is the only change that’s going to happen in this relationship. He’s not going to end it because he is content to take what he gets from you, knowing he’s not going to have to give anything in return. If you are tired of feeling like this, you are the one who needs to end it and not beg him back again like 2 years ago. You are missing out on the chance to find happiness by refusing to see writing that’s been on the wall for years.

Post # 23
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018
  1. Go to therapy
  2. Save up money
  3. Give your parents a few months notice that you are moving out
  4. Dump your boyfriend–he’s never going to marry you
  5. Move out
Post # 24
65 posts
Worker bee

To Do

Today (like, immediately; start 2019 off right)
-dump the “boyfriend” who you have let string you along for over a decade
-research apartments and book appointments to see a few

This Week
-visit apartments and choose one; sign the lease
-give your parents notice that you are leaving

-be responsible for finding your parents another place to live; they’re fucking adults
-continue to date a deadweight loser who doesn’t share your life goals
-feel sorry for yourself without taking steps to change your situation

Post # 25
5855 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My brother dumped a girlfriend (who was hinting at marriage and more commitment) because of her lack of ambition and action in her own life. If I were your SO, I wouldn’t want to marry you just because it sounds like you want someone to save you from your life, rather than a partner to grow with.

At 34, and after YEARS in this situation, you would definitely benefit from getting some therapy and then starting to take different actions in your life.

This guy isn’t going to marry you. You are not marriage material at this point. No one should marry you and you shouldn’t be looking to marry anyone. You need to get yourself together first so you have something to bring to the table.

Post # 26
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Move out. Dump your “boyfriend”.  If he hasn’t proposed in 12 years, why on earth would he do it now?

Post # 28
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

anonp :  This is less about your romantic relationship and more about the relationship with your parents.

Parents should never put pressure on their children. You have no reason to pay 1/3 of their mortgage. They need to downsize so you can move on. You will never be happy like this.

Something similar happened to my uncle, he is turning 55 in a few weeks and hasn’t had a romantic relationship in at least 20-25+ years. Never moved out, got married, had kids. Both my grandparents died and he’s hanging around their house with all their stuff (my grandma was on her way to being a hoarder).

You don’t want that to be you.

Also, I’m going to point out that if the man was the one in this situation, at least one Bee would say leave him. If your parents and partner aren’t urging you to be independent and happy, they’re not good for you. Your partner should want you at your best. Maybe rather than doubting your relationship because of time spent, focus on the fact that he’s okay with you being in this situation, and that itself is a red flag. If he had healthy views of relationships, he would either help you move out or he would break up with you. Healthy partners don’t tolerate unhealthy behavior.

Post # 30
752 posts
Busy bee

Look. This is not about a proposal. That’s the least of your problems.

I see that you’re finally getting fed up with the stagnant and emotionally stunted situations with both your bf and your parents. Good!!!! Now DO something about it!!

Tell your parents they should have thought about that and tell them to figure it out- you’re done helping them.

Tell your bf to take a hike. 

You are very aware by now that this is extremely unhealthy. You have gotten lots of good advice, many times over. Now put it to good use

anonp :  

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