(Closed) 12 years together and he's still lying to me. I don't know what to do.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

anonandon :  

He hasn’t taken responsibility or changed his behaviour because he doesn’t have to!!! You keep putting up with it/ forgiving him so where’s his incentive to change??? 

If he is capable of lying over small things, what makes you think he’s not capable of lying over big things. I’d have been gone a very long time ago. 

Post # 48
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

anonandon :  

I wish you every bit of luck Bee! Mostly though I wish for you the strength you’ll need should you have to leave. You deserve better than to be lied to constantly!

Post # 49
Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think YOU should go to therapy and start working through your devastation at having to leave this relationship and all of the other people/things that entails.

Because dude is not going to stop lying. I promise you. As a PP said, he lies because he’s a liar. He’s a liar, like how his name is x and he’s y feet tall and was born on such and such date. He’s a liar. And maybe it’s not as upsetting for you as this thread suggests. Clearly you’ve dealt with it for 12 years.

One day he’s going to be lying to your kids, though (if you have them). And then you’re going to despise him.

Post # 50
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

And you stay with  this creep because…?

Post # 51
Member
4982 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

He’s a liar but are you sure you’re not controlling? Who cares if he didn’t eat the lunch you made or wants to be with his friends after work, or his sisters party. Is he scared to tell you things? Both of you would benefit from therapy.

Post # 52
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

anonandon :  trust is huge in a relationship and because of his lying you can’t trust him. I mean it’s been 12 years and you must know by know he won’t stop. 

You’re the  only one that can decide what you want to do about this long battle of lying  in your relationship. 

To me lying shows lack of respect  especially when it’s your significant other. 

 

Post # 54
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Show this guy the front door!!!!

Post # 55
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If your sister or best friend was in the same situation, what would you tell them they should do?

Post # 56
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

Whaaat? He lies, and then when found out he justifies his lies and makes himself out to sound so considerate of your feelings. 

Sounds like he has some maturing to do but are you willing to “mother” him and wait indefinitely for him to change?

Post # 57
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

You have over a decade telling you nothing will change. There is no logical reason to think he will ever change.

Post # 58
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I am friends with a couple who’ve been together a long time and have this same challenge. Too long to throw the relationship under the bus. The guy in question had a very difficult childhood. Single parent, bio father absent, passed around in the family. Mother remarried and stepfather was cruel and didn’t want him, so he pretty much raised himself. Kicked out of his mother’s house at 18, had a really hard time for a while after that. Basically learned he has to do for himself and couldn’t trust anyone to care about him. Got it together responsibility wise and is okay today except for what sounds like exactly the same problems you face in the relationship department.

He has weak or no confrontation or interpersonal skills, no courage when it comes to letting his wife know what he wants and what’s important to him because of his past. He’s basically just a big ole people pleaser because that’s what’s worked for him until now.

He’s put her in a position of authority over him in his head because he loves her and obviously she’s important to him, but he’s scared to death to make her angry in any way because he can’t face the consequences of her anger or disappointment. He has unmet needs and in order to meet them it’s anger her or do damage control (lie). She’s pretty hard on him because she expects a lot, didn’t understand what was happening and felt constantly betrayed.

I think they went to therapy and there was a lot of discussion and debate but from what she’s told me it’s getting better albeit slowly. The wounds of his past are slow to heal but she sees progress. They want to build trust and save things so that’s what they’re doing.

What’s glaring in the situation for me is, is the lying being done that of an emotionally immature individual in order to meet a need or is it malicious? I mean, are these lies told to cause pain? And is there glee in the knowledge the one being lied to is hurt? Is there like, a narcissistic one-upmanship going on? Or are they more the coping mechanism of an individual who needs to work on himself and to date doesn’t have the skill or ability to start. Like a hungry child would do when you leave it in a room alone with a big piece of chocolate cake and ask it not to touch. 

That’s what I’d ask myself before I ended a relationship I’d invested so much time into. One more thing, I’d throw the ultimatum out the window because those don’t work for anyone except to cause a lot of regret.* There isn’t a reason to draw a line in the sand because when it gets to that point the one who’d be justified in doing so usually doesn’t because what’s the point? If they’re smart they’re already packing and heading toward the door.

Bottom line: Either you love this guy, think he may be worth a chance, see a future together all things considered and are willing to do the work it takes to get through this and help him (and you – you aren’t his authority figure and it sounds like this is a role that’s been thrust on you and you’ve accepted) grow and develop past it, or you’re done and gone. Only you can make that call. Best of luck either way and no judgment. Know thyself and what thee can tolerate. Just don’t be surprised if you run into this same problem with someone else.   

*One of the most bitter conversations I’ve ever had was with a woman who gave an either or ultimatum, ended a marriage then went on to watch him make someone else a wonderful husband because his next wife was willing to find out why things happened instead of doling out consequences when she wasn’t satisfied. Former wife told me looking back she was certain whatever caused the rift between them was a growth phase and she wished she’d have stuck it out instead of trashing the relationship. Hindsight 20/20. 

Post # 59
Member
34 posts
Newbee

He’s a liar. No therapy will change that.

Post # 59
Member
44 posts
Newbee

anonandon :  All I can say is I’ve been where you have, in a relatively similar situation.  10+ year relationship, etc (except that we were married).  Therapy did not help.  Feel free to try if you want, but set a deadline.  For example, if he’s not going to respond to Therapy in 3 months, or even if he doesn’t go, call it.  It’s best to cut your losses sooner than later. I wish I had done that rather than waste another 4 years to get out of that horrible relationship.  I also think that you will realize once you get out that normal relationships aren’t like this.  If you do get out, I hope that it ends up being one of the best things that ever happened to you the way it was for me (even if I didn’t believe it at first).  

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