Post # 1
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
So we have a long story here, I’d love to hear what the Bee thinks about this.
My FI and I met while I was in college, he was living and working nearby. We went to school in Colorado and my family is in Minnesota so for our four year relationship, he was just a name on the other end of the phone. THey met once when my family came for Christmas but that was it. After school I got a job in Texas so we moved down together. Before we left we had a long talk about where we were going with our relationship and just confiremed that yes, we wanted to get married.
So then at the following Christmas, we visit my family and my FI tries to get alone time with my dad to ask for his blessing. He is a very traditional, relgious dad that thinks the blessing is very important. So my FI agreed to do it for me even though he was intimidated to ask him (since my dad is a scary guy lol). My dad avoids him all weekend even after he asked for a private conversation. So then after we get back to Texas he calls my dad, and asks for my hand in marriage. My dad said they didn’t know each other well enough, and that he would give his permission but we didn’t have his blessing yet. He asked my FI if they could email more to get to know each other, so my FI obliges. He answers all his questions and jumps through all the hoops. Months go by and soon it’s a year later. My FI has been patient enough and my dad is very slow with his responses, so my FI sends a very bold, foreword email saying that he would like to propose soon and that he wants to wrap this up. My dad sends an email back another month later with “things to consider” and tells him not to be discouraged, that they’re just things to think about. My FI takes that to be a green light and proposes. (We even read the email together after we got engaged and I thought he meant he had given the blessing too)
Now we are 12 days from the wedding and my dad calls to talk about itinerary stuff. He says, “One final question. ‘are you sure about this? Have you really thought about it, do you want to do this?'” I was surprised and said yes, that we had known for a long time (even if my dad didn’t) that we would get married. I asked if he was okay with it and he paused and said, “Well it doesn’t matter at this point does it?” and tells me that my FI never followed through for the blessing and he was kind of disappointed that he didnt. I was stunned. I hung up the phone and burst into tears.
All I can think now is that he will be walking me down the aisle and dancing with me, thinking I’m marrying the wrong man without his permission. It is a silly, outdated tradition but it’s important to me because it’s so important to my dad. My FI thought he had the blessing but he was wrong, and now idk what to do. I won’t call off the wedding because I know he’s the right one and I want to marry him, I guess Im just very hurt and it’s really put a damper on my spirit. I don’t know what my dad would want to wait even longer for, they emailed for over a year for crying out loud!!!
Post # 3
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
@Equine_Breeder: No offense but your dad sounds like kind of a jerk. From what you’re saying I gather that your FI honestly tried for a very long time and your dad just kept stringing him along, refusing to give him a resolution or even comprehensive feedback. I respect the hell out of my dad and while this would also hurt my heart, I would realize that *he* is the one being unreasonable and I would have to sit him down for a talk because as his daughter he should not be putting that kind of burden on your heart on your wedding day.
Post # 4
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
I agree with PP, not to mention its really unfair to your FI. He should not be grilling your FI, I would personally be offended if I were you. YOU chose this man, YOU think he is right for you and wonderful, and your Dad should respect you, regardless of what he thinks of your FI, or how well he knows him. It honestly sounds like your Dad is just having a hard time giving up control.
Post # 5
Member
4042 posts
Honey bee
@sablemuse: I agree.
OP, your FI tried hard to get to know your dad and it sounds like no matter what your FI did, it wasn’t going to happen, in time for the wedding at least.
If it was that important, then perhaps you should have waited until your dad gave a resounding yes. But the reality is that your wedding is coming up and what is done is done. I would recommend having a long, serious discussion with your dad. While he may not have given his blessing, he can still be happy and supportive of you.
Post # 6
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
@sablemuse: +1
@Equine_Breeder: What more does your dad want from your FI?
A year is a long time to be jumping through hoops, yet your FI did it! He sounds like a decent guy, who makes you very happy.
My FI is far from my parents’ imagined future son-in-law (they always used to joke about a Chinese doctor, when FI couldn’t be any more different being a white, tattooed and pierced tradesman!) but they know what a decent man he is, and how well he treats me and everyone in our lives. For that they absolutely love him! He asked for my dad’s permission about a week before we went overseas and was given it straight away to propose on our trip.
I understand how upsetting this must be for you, but really your dad should have spoken up earlier if this really concerned him, or just kept his mouth shut!
Post # 7
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
You said that getting your dads blessing was important to your dad, but I don’t buy it. Your FI emailed him for a year and your dad barely replied and never responded in a timely manner. If getting to know your FI was actually important to your dad he would have put forth more effort than he did. It sounds like your dad was simply stringing your FI along and never had any intention of giving his blessing (who knows, he may not have given his blessing to any guy, some parents are possessive).
If you’re happy and confident in your choice, then don’t worry about what your dad thinks. If he doesn’t give his blessing, fine, he won’t be the one marrying your FI, you will.
Post # 8
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
@Equine_Breeder: Your dad’s behavior sounds very self-centered. He knew your FI wanted his blessing, so instead of giving it to him and working on a mutual relationship, he strung your FI along and made all these ridiculous demands. For a year. And now he has managed to distract you from your wedding planning with all of these “questions” that somehow didn’t come up until now? I can’t help but feel like he’s manipulating you.
My FI called and asked for my parents’ blessing. He talks to them regularly. They are his family now (just like his parents are mine) and I absolutely feel that we should treat each other’s parents with love and respect. That doesn’t mean they get to play games just because the relationship is important to us.
Post # 9
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
I think you need to talk to your dad again. Explain to him that you will not stop your wedding because you love your FI so much and he is an amazing man. Tell him that you would love to have his blessing and you wish that he would trust your judgment, I would hope that he believes he raised a strong, smart, and level headed woman who can determine if a man is good enough to marry. Your FI went through a year of emails with your dad and now I think it is your turn to jump through the hoops because you want his blessing so bad. Tell him how this situation is making you feel, I’m sure he’ll be upset that he made you so upset and will try to remedy the situation. I believe that if he truly wants you to be happy then he will swallow his pride and give his blessing. Sometimes parents just need a push to see that children are grown and can make the right decision on their own,
Post # 10
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
@FionnaCake: Agreed 100%
OP, sometimes our parents aren’t the amazing people we think they are. This is one of those times.
Call you dad up and directly ask him to give his blessing, tell him it’s now or never, your FI did everything he wanted so you are going to get married with or without his blessing, but his blessing would mean a lot to you.
If he can’t get over himself for a minute to do that for his daughter that he cares about so much, then that’s his loss. YOU know that this is right.
Post # 11
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
Your father was acting very obnoxious in this whole situation. Your FI sounds like a wonderful man to have gone through with your father’s ridiculous demands. Most men probably would have told him to piss off if their GF’s father wanted to email frequently to get to know each other.
Be glad you are marrying a great guy, and tell your father to stop acting like a child.
Post # 12
Member
4373 posts
Honey bee
Why can’t he give his blessings now? I agree with PP that it sounds like your dad pretty much strung your FI out for a year, and is a little pissy he didn’t get to give his explicit blessing. But your wedding isn’t about him, it’s about you and your FI. If your dad had refused to give his blessings, would you have not agreed to marry?
Post # 13
Member
8490 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Oh good, I saw this thread before anyone commented on it and wanted to say your dad sounds kind of jerky, but I was scared to.
Seriously though, what more does your dad expect? Most guys dont even ask for a blessing, let alone send emails to the father for a full year before asking.
Post # 14
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
IMO, the blessing is asked for out of courtesy, so some courtesy should be given in the response. If your dad had legitimate concerns giving his blessing because he didn’t know your FI well enough, and your FI tried for an entire year and still didn’t receive a blessing, the fault is entirely your father’s.
Post # 15
Member
7455 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@sablemuse: This.
No way would allow my parents to manipulate my happiness.
Post # 16
Member
3672 posts
Sugar bee
@allyfally: I was afraid to comment that as well!
@Equine_Breeder: OP I think you need to hug you FI tight and feel grateful for all that he put up with! Your Dad is the one at fault here and your poor man tried soo hard!
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