(Closed) 13 days out and I find out my dad didn't actually give his blessing

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you’re extremely lucky to have a Fiance who was willing to put up with all of that. Put yourself in his shoes. Try and imagine how you would feel if his mother treated you so poorly.

Post # 18
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

I just can’t…as much as I respect my dad I did not concern myself whether or not my Fiance asked for my dad’s permission. He didn’t need it. He only needed my permission because when you get married its about the both of you…not you, your husband and your father. But that is just my point of view.

Post # 19
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You and your Fiance have been together, lived together, and started your life together already. Your then boyfriend tried to do the traditional thing to appease your dad and it sounds like your dad just wouldnt budge no matter what. Maybe he’s convinced that you picked the wrong man or maybe he’s struggling to let you go, that can be hard for a traditional religious man. You are his little girl after all, in his mind he is blessing giving you up, which might be harder than we’re giving him credit for.

All that said, giving you grief about it, at this point in time, just comes across as callous. If it was really an issue he should have brought it up long ago. This is a dig, for some unknown reason, and it’ll be best I you can just let it go. Tell him you’ve made your decision and he knows where you’ll be on your wedding day, with or without him. If he truly doesn’t believe in your marriage then he just shouldn’t come. It would be sad, but better than you knowing he’s not there supporting the two of you.

Post # 20
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

So…. Why doesn’t dad give his blessing now?

Post # 21
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Equine_Breeder:  Frankly, I think your father is being a controlling PITA and that your Fiance has been more than patient and obliging and enough is enough. Assuming your father has no valid reason at this point for withholding his blessing, he is the one choosing not to give it. 

I suppose you could call him and explain you both thought you had it and ask for it now but I get the impression he would just throw up another road block or set up more hoops to jump through. You could remind him nicely that you are an adult, you are sure and that asking for his blessing was a show of love and respect but that he also needs to trust your judgement. He can either wish you well or not. 

Post # 22
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

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@sablemuse:  +1. 

 

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@Equine_Breeder:  OP, my dad is one of my best friends, so I understand how important it is to want his blessing/approval for the man you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. IF your dad had true, legimate concerns about your Fiance, he should have been upfront with you and brought them up LONG before now. I think it’s really poor on his part to bring it up 13-12 days out. Maybe collect yourself, call your dad and say that you’ve seen the emails between he and Fiance and you are standing by Fiance, that he tried his best to obide by all of your dad’s conditions and you think your dad is being a bit stubborn on this one. Tell him you’re upset that he waited until now to say something and say you don’t understand why. Perhaps your dad is sad because he’s losing his little girl, she’s all grown up now and doesn’t know how to handle it. This isn’t an excuse, but could be a reason for his behaviour. Thank him for his concern but tell him you know your Fiance is the best man to spend the rest of your life with and you can’t wait for your wedding. Ultimately it’s your decision. Show your dad that you’re making the right choice and you’re confident in it, and hopefully he’ll come around too. xo

Post # 23
Member
2624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@sablemuse:  +1

Post # 24
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think this is all a big misunderstanding, I think your Fiance and your Dad need to clear the air, not so much for you but for their relationship, otherwise it will be tough on you.

 

My Fiance flew cross country to meet my family and ask my dad for my father in marriage.

Post # 25
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Equine_Breeder:  I think your father is being very unfair, not only to your Fiance but to you! If he didn’t like your Fiance and thought you were making a mistake marrying him, he could have told you that earlier. He should either give his blessing now or shut up, but he certainly has no business upsetting you like that 12 days before your wedding! 

I agree with PPs about trying to talk to him nicely though. He most likely has no idea he’s hurt you – most men are clueless like that! 

Post # 26
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I feel really bad for your Fiance. This expectation is outdated and even so your man has been trying for a year? Your dad is being unreasonable & childish.

Post # 27
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@sablemuse:  Agreed.

 

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@Equine_Breeder:  Shouldn’t it matter that YOU want to marry this man? It sounds like your dad is letting the power go to his head and just trying to be difficult because he can. Your Fiance did a nice thing by asking him, and jumping through all of the hoops your dad asked of him, and a year later he finally thought he had done enough. You guys are getting married, you’re happy about it, don’t let your dad’s stubbornness rain on your parade. I think you’re putting too much stock in his ‘blessing’. Like you said, it’s a silly, outdated tradition and your dad had the chance to give his blessing but instead wanted to drag things out. You know you’re making the right decision, and it’s your marriage!

Post # 28
Member
8028 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your Fiance made a good faith effort.  Your dad is being an ass and making this a lot harder than it needs to be.  Permission vs. blessing??? WTF

Post # 29
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. But put it into freaking perspective your Fi didn’t want to do it in the first place and he did for you, he jump through multiple hoops and was strung along. Sorry to say as I can see you love your Dad but he being a major jerk.

You need to change your perspective, I have conservative old school traditional parents and I learned a long time ago certain things I don’t ask their opinon on because I’m different from them and we have to agree to disagree.

I also think it’s bullshit and manipulative that your Dad didn’t bring this up months ago. If he had then you could have asked him what were his issues. 12 days before your wedding is clearly not the time to be having this conversation.

It seems to me that you guys are functioning in the way adults should., You went to college, got a job, and spoke to your boyfriend about timeline all on your own. At a certain point you have to stop seeking approval from your father on your major life choices. He raised you and now he has to let you go and realize that you now  are an Adult.

AT the end of the day unless he has major legit concerns(which I doubt, your Fi put with a lot he seems like a stand up guy from what you said) he has no reason to be holding this “blessing” over your heads.

This is the perfect time to start putting down boundaries for your Dad and not allowing him to have this hold over you any longer. If need be have a talk tell him you guys asked for the blessing out of respect and tell him how disappointed you are in his behavior. Then I suggest you tell him not to ask you “if you are sure” again, and that when he comes to the wedding he is supportive and keeps whatever doubts he has to himself.

 

Post # 30
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Equine_Breeder:  Almost like the governer general is a symbolic role in Canada, “asking for permission” is symbolic. Your dad doesn’t have the right to give your partner a detailed list of things to do. I have never heard of any father saying anything other than yes. The decision is between YOU and YOUR PARTNER and you are not a piece of property for your dad to give away.

It’s important to you and your partner did everything he could. It was your dad who was being stubborn and judging your relationship. If it was “so important” to him than he could have made more of an effort. I honestly wouldn’t worry about this. You are the one spending your life with your partner and you don’t need permission to do that.

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