(Closed) 13 days out and I find out my dad didn't actually give his blessing

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 47
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Um really? Your dad sounds quite manipulative here…

Post # 48
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
@canarydiamond:  +1 and to sablemuse too.

your dad probably doesn’t actually feel disrespected and, if he does, his emotional gauge is off and you and your Fiance shouldn’t cater to it- nobody did anything wrong to him.  that might sound harsh, but it’s normal.  if anybody claims to have some serious emotion when nobody’s wronged them, they just need to get over it.

you’ll read on the boards that a lot of parents get a bit controlling, manipulative, dramatic, and (how do I put this) they start making things up when they hear of the engagement or during wedding planning to try to guilt the bride & groom into doing who knows what- cancelling the wedding, feeling bad for the parents, giving them more say or more guests, maybe even just to assure the parents that you care more abt them than your FI? (which would not be okay to say).

the timing of your dad saying this paired with him stringing your Fiance along with these challenges for a year (when you could have been ENGAGED already and married) show that your father (as much as you love him) does not have your best interests at heart all the time when it comes to his baby girl growing up- so he shouldn’t be a factor in decisions.  there’s no way he should be so deep in your life that he isn’t giving his blessing due to the amazing wisdom of 3 college roommates (you have to see how ridiculous that sounds right?).  

tell him that from all the work Fiance put in over the year and your dad not saying anything was wrong during the whole engagement up to now, that shows you that he actually does give his blessing even if it’s hard for him to say it out loud & “let go” of his baby girl. just spin it on him & act like he’s giving the blessing even if he doesn’t know it. Wink

Post # 49
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your dad sounds like a jerk, and if he’s not, he’s definitely behaving as one. You are an adult woman and you can marry the man that you want. It’s mean and disrespectful to make your fiance jump through hoops and then tell you that he’s disappointed because he didn’t jump fast enough.

Post # 50
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My father was an arse like this when I married my first husband.  He was pissed off that my ex didn’t ask him for permission…like I explained to my mother at the time, my ex was marrying ME, not my father.  I was an adult, and neither myself nor my ex had to ask ‘permission’ to do anything.

I was doubly insulted as my father had been working abroad for a good decade beforehand and had shown little to no interest in anything any of his children had done…

I’m assuming that your are over 18.  You may want, but you have to learn to not need your father’s blessing or permission to do anything.  It’s called being an adult.

Post # 51
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think your Fiance sounds wonderful, and your dad sounds petty and attention-seeking. If he’s not ready to give his blessing at this point then frankly you’re better off without it. This is all about power and manipulation and has nothing to do with any actual reservations about your Fiance or concern for your happiness.

Post # 52
Member
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

how could any reasonable person with eyes and ears feel disrespected by a year’s campaign to win him over?!

i think he enjoys the power of ‘maybe i will, maybe i won’t’ and having your Fiance sucking up to him and you worrying about him. why else would he EVER have brought it up with 13 days to go? anyone who was truly happy for you and happy about the upcoming marriage would have kept his mouth shut, smiled wide and sincerely wished you well, not caused this unnecessary drama. 

 

and i get the feeling you’re spending a lot of time worrying about how your dad feels/are his feelings hurt, and if i were you i would be more worried about how disrespected and diminished my fi would feel. if my dad ever treated my SO with such disrespect, i would be horrified and tell him so.

Post # 53
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Since you are not property and this is not 1724, luckily it does not matter what your dad thinks about your wedding, it matters what YOU think.

Post # 55
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sounds to me that your dad is just upset that your engagement and marriage happened outside of his control. I’m sorry, but making your Fiance jump through hoops like that while sitting back and taking your sweet time responding is, IMO, unhealthily controlling. I think your dad needs to realize that you are more than capable of choosing the right guy to marry, and that though his blessing and goodwill would be much appreciated, in the end you will do what is best for you and your own happiness. The time when he had control over your life and your decision making has passed. He needs to focus on you happiness, not his petty feelings. Explain that it was a misunderstanding and he needs to cool it.

Post # 56
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Also, I don’t think your Fiance did anything wrong at all. He sounds amazingly respectful of your family, and I hope you two have a perfect wedding day. 🙂

Post # 57
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Equine_Breeder:  sorry but your dad is being ridiculous. I feel really bad for your fiancé.

Post # 58
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

@Excited To Bee: this!

 

OP your Fiance went above and beyond, your dad really cannot ask for more. it seems he’s just being a brat about it. he’s not threatening to not come to the wedding or anything, so i would let it go.



Post # 59
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

OP, does any of this impact your decisions re: your dad walking you down the aisle, having a special dance, etc? Would your father be approachable if you broached these issues in light of what he has said?

Post # 60
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
@Equine_Breeder:  I’d definitely take this as a moment to appreciate your FI’s commitment and determination when it comes to marrying you.  You picked a winner there, you really did.

Your father, however, is acting like a spoilt child while trying to play the patriarch, and it’s really unflattering.  I’d talk to him before the wedding, and tell him that things are going forward, that you are completely committed to your Fiance, and that the year your Fiance went through trying to get his blessing should speak volumes to your FI’s commitment to you.  And that since you and your Fiance have thought about his concerns that he brought up and find them groundless, you’d like to give him the opportunity to give his blessing now, since it’s so important to him, but either way, the wedding is going to happen in a few days, and it’s up to him how he decides to deal with that.  You have to put this back on your dad’s plate, here.  He cannot pass the emotional buck in this situation any longer.  If having the blessing matters, then make your dad either give it or refuse to do so.  He doesn’t get to hedge any further.  And either way, you will know where you stand with your father from here on out.  

Your dad is showing right now how he really feels about you and your Fiance.  Do not disbelieve him when he shows you this.  If he does not give his blessing now, he will not be supportive of you two in the future, and you need to be prepared for it.  If he gives the blessing, then at least you know that he’s invested more in your happiness than in his perceived power over you.  And either way, that’s important information.

Post # 61
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@Equine_Breeder:  I agree with your Fiance, I wouldn’t bring it up with your dad again, especially not before the wedding.

Your dad seems to expect you to be just as concerned with his approval as you were when you were 8 and calling for him to watch you do a backflip in the pool. But I think he will actually come to respect you more as an adult if you aren’t so concerned about approval-seeking, even from him. You’ve considered and respected his opinion, he has no objection to your marriage, so at this point I think you’ll get more respect by leaving it at that than by basically begging for emotional validation.

I think this could actually strengthen your relationship with him as he becomes comfortable with seeing you as a capable adult.

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