- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
OP, you aren’t property. I understand you want your father’s blessing, but this isn’t the Middle Ages. You want to marry this person, you think he’s the one for you, why does your father need to “bless” it or even give permission? Did you ask his parents if you could marry him? Probably not.
@Equine_Breeder: Yikes, I would have completely interpreted what your dad said in that last email before you got engaged as a blessing too. He’s being unreasonable. You are an adult and you get to do what you wish– and for goodness’ sake, he gave his PERMISSION already. Plus your Fiance went through all the stuff your dad wanted him to do already. Ugh, your dad sounds controlling and manipulative, that would drive me crazy.
Basically, I don’t think you need to allow this to bother you. So what if your dad is a little disappointed. You are the one marrying your Fiance, and as long as your family can get along with your Fiance and he with them in a limited, polite way, I think everything will be OK.
But I would not have said this 5 years ago. I would have wanted everything to be nice and needed full approval and friendliness from my parents toward the man I decided to marry. But I picked a man who my parents (mostly my mother) have some major political/cultural differences with, and the relationship between my parents and my SO is polite, but not warm. I have learned to not let it bother me much. As long as everyone can be civil and share holidays decently, I don’t expect much more.
Although, my father also expects to be asked for his permission, and I am SOOOOOO nervous about that, I wish my SO would get it over with. We would get married without his permission, but considering how hard it’s been to get them to accept my SO at all, I would HUGELY prefer that not have to be how things play out.
So I understand how unpleasant this is, and how nerve-racking. But I think your father is being highly unreasonable and treating you and your Fiance like little kids. You don’t need anyone’s approval to get married except your own, though the satisfaction of your parents is nice to have to promote the peace in the family. And I guess his permission, without his very hard-to-get blessing (would he EVER give a blessing, if he’s this weird about it???) has to be good enough for everyone, as you guys are of course going forward with getting married!
I wonder if sitting with your dad, just the two of you and explaining to him that having his blessing is important to you fand that if he refuses to give it to your and your Fiance it will hurt –but that it won’t stop the two of you from being married.
Maybe assure him that no matter wahat you will always be his daughter and that he will always be important to you and that you would love his continued support in your relationship.
I’d love to hear how this works out?
I totally hear you about making him choose a side of the fence, so we know where he stands on our relationship and if he’s going to be supportive later on or if we will have issues. I wll have another talk with Fiance about it to see if he wants to sit down with my dad, either way I think he has to be the one to force the issue or not since this is technically between them. I will definitly update you guys about it to see how it goes, I just hope it all works out. Lots of good advice on the Bee as always! 🙂
So I promised you would have an update, here it is!
My dad actually brought up to me the fact that he hadn’t given the blessing on Friday at breakfast. He said that he would have given it had DH replied ONE MORE TIME and that he just wanted to follow through to the end and hear his replies to his last concerns, but that it wouldn’t affect my dad saying yes and giving the blessing. So he asked if it was still important to DH and I said definitely YES it was, and that it was important to me too. We had decided not to press the issue in case it caused hurt felings and drama before the wedding so I was very relieved my dad wanted to follow up. He asked if there was a private place on my farm to go and talk with DH to clear the air, because he didn’t want our marriage to start out wrong. I had been struggling with anger over this whole issue, and it really softened me to see that it was my dad coming to my fiance to make things right.
Me and my girls went to my bachelorette party, and so my dad took the opportunity to have a TWO HOUR talk with my fiance. They went over everything from the last email, and then some. DH said that it was a very deep, serious talk but that it cleared all the confusion and he made it clear that it was all just a miscommunication. In the end, my dad gave him the blessing. 🙂
At the wedding, my dad and I did a first look and it was a wonderful moment with the two of us. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. He was totally on board with the wedding and happily walked me down the aisle to give me away. At the reception, he had a WONDERFUL speech and in part of it he told the story of how long DH talked with my dad to persuade him. This was a part of the speech:
“I sent another letter. – This time digging much deeper. I was still looking for the heart – what was at this manʼs core? We talked again after that: face to face – man to man. Let me tell you about him – what I perceive is:
He is probably the most gentle person I know
Heʼs willing to sacrifice himself for what he believes in
He is a protector of others
He shows courage inspite of his fears
He gives what ever it takes to succeed
He is transparent and acknowledges his weaknesses
He is open to both criticism and encouragement
He has a heart for God and family
He loves my daughter
Thanks for going through this process with me – I know it has been a trial in patience and character.”
Again, not another dry eye. lol.
So, long story short: we have the blessing, it was my DAD who approached it to clear the air, we got married on Sunday and life couldn’t be better 🙂
@Equine_Breeder: In my opinion, this sounds like the standard case where dad doesn’t think anyone is good enough for his daughter, like most dads do. You Fiance did what was asked of him and the ball was in your dad’s court and he was immature about it. This day is about you and your Fiance, if your heart knows this is right, then forget all the other nonsense.
@Equine_Breeder: Your Fiance went above and beyond asking for blessings. He did everything and then some. Most people ask permission, receive a yes, and move forward.
Sounds like your dad wants to put him on the grill and that seems pretty unfair.
Edit: Just saw your update! 🙂
OMG, I just teared up reading your dad’s speech!
I’m glad it all worked out in the end for all of you. CONGRATULATIONS!
Glad that it all worked out in the end, and your Wedding went well.
And Best Wishes to you and your Hubby.
— — —
So alls well that ends well.
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