(Closed) 14 years, 3 kids and not engaged!!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
10206 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Well, I mean, you’re pretty much are married at this point all that you lack is the piece of paper and the ring. This isn’t a situation that just popped up over night, you’ve allowed this to continue for over a decade. You really only have two options here, either what you have is enough for you or you leave him and everything that comes along with the relationship.

If what you have already is not enough for you I would flat out say to him that you want to be officially married, you would like to go purchase some sort of ring within the next week and begin making plans. Don’t hint, don’t ask, the time for these things passed three kids ago. Tell him flat out this is what I want, this is when I want to do it, there is no more compromise or excuses at this point, it’s either this or I leave. Then see what his reaction is to this. If he disagrees or comes up with an excuse then you have your answer.

Post # 32
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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kissthesunkisstherain :  Well, not quite.

I think if a man is fully committed to his family, and he is aware his partner values marriage, he wouldn’t let it get to 14 years and 3 kids without a proposal. I don’t think good guys give lip service to marriage without corresponding action towards marriage.

Likewise, I think if a woman is willing to live with a man and have multiple children with him over more than a decade, marriage becomes moot at some point. Even if that held significant value at some point, if this is a good caring and loving man, who she is in a very solid domestic situation, I think there is a point where one would stop pursuing it as an essential element to the relationship.

But neither situation is happening here. I acknowledge that assessment is heavily influenced by my own situation and experiences. 

And I’m not talking about bees who have been with a man for several years and are wanting marriage — I see that as vastly different than this situation.

Post # 33
Member
12803 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Insist on counseling, not a proposal, because this is about more than a ring and a wedding date. 

Tell him that you are feeling incredibly unhappy and demoralized in this situation, that you know about the aborted ring purchase two years ago, that not a day goes by that all this doesn’t weigh on you, and that it’s affecting the way you feel about him and the relationship.

In other words, treat the situation as if you have been married for fourteen years with three kids and started to feel disrespected and unappreciated for any reason. 

All that said, are your expectations reasonable as far as a ring and a reception?  The problem is, once you have children, many people  consider it a little late for a pretty princess day and an expensive ring when there are more pressing things to pay for, such as medical bills, clothing, housing, activities, schooling, and retirement. If you scaled back, maybe he’d be on board. 

Post # 34
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Are you in USA? What state do you live in? Does your state or country have common law marriages? You could already be commmon law married for living together for 7+years. 

You’re not answering our questions: do you want a marriage or a wedding?

Post # 35
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

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kissthesunkisstherain :  but OP is not completely content with her relationship, she wants to be married. That is the whole point of this post.

If most ladies were satisfied to not get married, this website wouldn’t exist.

Post # 36
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

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ivdw :  I don’t think having children is more of a commitment than marriage. Why is it that men are more likely to cheat on their partners after having children than before? If children were the ultimate commitment then it would be more rare for people with children to get divorced.

When you have children, you make a commitment to look after the child forever. Not the father or mother. It’s an entirely different thing. That’s why you get married to commit to your partner, legally and publicly.

Post # 37
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee

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pearla :  I read the “children are the ultimate commitment” statement as if you get married and then divorced without having children you never have to  have anything to do with your ex again. There will always be milestones with your children and potential grandchildren that you will have to see your ex at. You will always have ties to this person, literally forever

Post # 38
Member
8936 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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stephyhansen :  That’s not correct. Not many states recognize common law marriage, and of those that do, it’s not just a matter of living together for a certain amount of time. The couple also needs to agree that they are married and present themselves as married. It doesn’t just default over to marriage once you hit the 7 year mark.

Post # 39
Member
8936 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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pussinboots83 :  Yeah, but having someone stuck in your life forever does not equal being committed to them or them being committed to you.

This is the comment

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pearla :  was replying to: “Plus 1. You don’t need a marriage certificate to be truly connected. Having children is much more commitment than anything else!” That sounds like the person saying it thinks having kids means the man is committed/truly connected to the OP — like married but more. Which is false.

Post # 41
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

You don’t get it. It’s not about “deserving” something. It’s about the fact that marriage clearly isn’t something he is interested in. 

Post # 42
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Sorry, it appears he doesn’t want you for a wife. I would never play house with a man, have multiple children with him and have no ring. To some people, marriage isn’t important, but it seems it is for you. i advise you to set clear boundaries and expectations for your future with him or be prepared to walk.

im sorry you’re in this situation. 

Post # 43
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

You weren’t in a place to get married financially or emotionally but you found the finances and emotional stability to have three kids?

Sweetie, he doesn’t want to marry you. It has nothing to do with what you “deserve.” If he wanted to marry you, he would. He doesn’t. Learn to live with it or move on.

Post # 44
Member
1635 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

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ceecee04 :  Yikes!

Sorry- I was under the impression that I had given you some good advice. Sorry that it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. That’s the unfortunate thing, I guess. When you put yourself out there and ask others for their opinion, they may just give it to you.

I do, however, stand by what I said- ask youself the questions I suggested and then have a conversation with him. You have a life and family together- that warrants having a tough conversation about what you both want and need. At a minimum, there are children involved and they deserve that much from the two of you.

Post # 45
Member
1598 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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ceecee04 :  I think you’ve misread a lot of these comments and honestly don’t sound very mature (since you’re saying everyone is judging you for wanting materialistic things. I didn’t read a single comment that said that at all). Which comes from having a kid at 16 and not realizing that you should be married much sooner in this scenario. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married after everything you have shared with this man! But getting him to propose isn’t something you “earn,” it’s a commitment you both want to make to each other.

However I think the fact that you found that email from 2014 says it all. That was 2 years ago so, 12 years in, 5 years of living together in, and 3 kids in. He was going to buy a ring at the end of the week and didn’t. 

At least…not for you. Either way. It has been 2 years since then and he just has excuses. He doesn’t want to marry you. Cut your losses before you’re 40 and asking the same questions! Yes you were 16 when all of this started but you aren’t 16 now. You are 30 with 3 kids. You know better. And you want to set a better example for your kids!

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