(Closed) 14 years and still no ring!!!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
30400 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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WannaBeMrs.B:  Is it being married that bothers him? Or are you pushing for a wedding that he doesn’t want?

 

Post # 3
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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WannaBeMrs.B:  It seems strange that after 14 years he would cite “emotional” as something he wants more of.

I agree with PP too, is it marriage or a wedding that he’s afraid of?

Post # 4
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I was in this boat – but 8 years. I agreed that marriage was just a paper and not a big deal. But I found that my feelings changed. I wanted that legal agreement to solidify and openly tell the world that we are together forever. We communicated about this, and I assured him nothing would change. Just an outward declaration of our love. He said, “no problem” and we did it.

It’s funny, I haven’t changed at all, but he has become more attentive, more loving, even more connected than I thought possible.

If this is important to you let him know. Or be content being a girlfriend forever (which I still think is totally fine too). 

Post # 6
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It’s hard to say.  I got married at 39 and we were together for almost 10 yrs.  You’re only in your early 30’s you’re still young.  I would have gotten married sooner but he wasn’t ready.  Not sure why, we had been living together for 8 yrs.  14 yrs is a long time and I understand what you’re saying.  I would ask him specifically what financial goals he would like to reach before getting married? House? $xx in savings?  Men sometimes worry about the cost of an engagement ring.  My hubbie thought he had to spend 2 months salary.  We were struggling with $$ no way we could do that.  And I wasn’t expecting that at all.  Does your SO think you want to take out a loan to pay for a lavish wedding?

You’re right not to put any pressure on him.  After bringing it up a few times I dropped the subject.  He proposed about 6 months later.  I’d approach him with something like this “I know you aren’t ready to get married at the moment.  I’m fine with that.  But your comments got me thinking.  I’m wondering if we’re on the same page about financial goals?  I’m also wondering what you mean about being more emotionally connected?  I’m happy and feel we have a really solid realtionship.  Do you not feel the same way? All couples have their problems but is there something you think we need to work on?”  Don’t bring up the subject marriage/wedding.  The goal of this is to get some insight into what he’s thinking.

Post # 9
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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WannaBeMrs.B:  My husband doesn’t like crowds.  I wouldn’t have minded something a bit bigger.  We compromised and had a wedding of 30 ppl including the wedding party.  To worked out well because most of the people there knew other people.  It was mostly just close family and friends. Choose a venue that is private not a public park etc.. But I’d worry about the wedding after he asks.  One step at a time 🙂

Post # 11
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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WannaBeMrs.B:  I do think he will ask.  I think once he does that, and gets more comfortable with the idea of marriage you might be suprised at how he comes around.  The thing that I tried to keep in mind when planning my wedding was: it was my wedding and I didn’t want to lose my “vision”.  But it I had to remember it was his wedding as well.  I couldn’t have every detail my way. 

My hubbie didn’t really care about the finer details as much as I did i.e. colors, decorations, invites, etc…  He wanted a big say in things like the venue, tuxes for groomsmen etc…  but with the exception of a few small things he let me do what I wanted.

Post # 12
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

This is definitely an odd situation. Usually I like to try to understand the man’s point of view on this because so many posters are flooding the woman with messages like, “leave him, he’s not that into you”, etc, but this case is a little different.

Do you live as a family? Do you have joint finances, property, etc? Do you refer to the things you own as “ours”? Basically what I’m asking is if you are or are not living as a married couple at this time

Post # 13
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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WannaBeMrs.B:  Also, how long ago did you first bring up wanting to get married?

Post # 14
Member
8 posts
Newbee

I think guys often see both engagement and marriage as the “next logical step” meaning they often want all other things (i.e. money, career, house, travelling, etc., etc.) sorted out first… I can see how this can be right for the actual wedding mainly because it may take time to save for it. In our case for example (although we are not even engaged yet), we both know it will definitely be a while before we can get married because we will have to pay for everything ourselves (which is fair enough) and saving for our first home is an absolute priority right now. However, I do believe in getting engaged before all those other things are 100% “sorted” as well as being engaged for a while if that’s what the situation dictates. It’s a massive gesture and a big serious commitment in itself and it demonstrates you are both heading in the same direction- towards the happy occasion to celebrate your life-time commitment- even if it may take while to get there. JUST BE HONEST with him and tell him what you want, what’s important to you and why. Listen to what he says and take on board his feelings also. Guys aren’t mind-readers, so if he doesn’t know how much being married matters to you, he won’t consider it thinking you are comfortable with how the things are at the moment. You guys sound like such a good “solid” couple who supported each other through thick and thin through all these years. He’s committed to you no end, so I’m sure with a little bit of openness and communication you will be rocking that ring very soon  Xx

Post # 15
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

 

I’m confused. You say that you’ve taken a break, as in, broken up. But you want him to propose? Like, to get you back? Or do you just want to start dating again?

Maybe I’ve missed something in your posts?

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