(Closed) 14 years and still no ring!!!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
861 posts
Busy bee

14 years? At 14 years I’d tell my frigging so we are getting married. There isn’t always a perfect time. Either you are in this to build a life with me or you are not. 

As for the wedding. .have you thought of destination elopement?  Can be just the two of you, very intimate..but special. He doesn’t have to be in front of a million people..you can still have a pretty dress and boom you are already on your honeymoon.

Post # 17
Member
697 posts
Busy bee

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jennie.elliott2:  My boyfriend thought he had to spend 10-15k on an engagement ring… and when I told him that there is no way I need anything that extravagent he completely changed his tone lol they need to stop telling men that its “2 months salary” or “all thats in your bank account” because it scares them away!

Post # 18
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

14 years..yeah well i am one of those that started dating my Fiance when we were 16..he proposed last December when we were both 30…

wait only if you are sure you love him and wouldnt mind staying with him even if you werent married

 

 

Post # 19
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

A friend of mines have been with her BF for over 19yrs and engaged for 14yrs of them.  They picked up their marriage license twice (both have expired)  She still wears her e-ring but feels as though she have given up too much to move on.  She feels stuck, they have a house, a 15yrs old daughter and investments.  I know she isn’t happy but she doesn’t want to give up on hope (& her image).  She also feels that she is too old to start dating all over again.  I suggest that you decide where you want to be in the next 5yrs and start putting things in place to get there.  If that means, leaving him then do it. Don’t wake up one day stuck with two expired marriage license. 

Post # 20
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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WannaBeMrs.B:  I was also in your same shoes but my DH and I were together for 10 yrs before we tied the knot this past December.  We had a lot of arguments and break ups.  I was ready for marriage way before he was.  He was afraid of the commitment.  At our last break up I told him I wasn’t waiting for him anymore, that it hurt but that I knew it was over.  That I was moving on.  A week later we got together after we had a serious talk about marriage.  He confessed he wanted to get married but not yet.  He also wanted to be financially ready.  4 years later we tied the knot. 

14 years is a very long time.  In my opinion by this time he should already know whether he wants to be married to you or not.  I think you should talk to him and tell him that you want to get married.  Hope things work out for you!

Post # 21
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Glamorous marquee

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WannaBeMrs.B:  

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WannaBeMrs.B:  sorry but after 14 yrs his saying ur stil not emotionally there yet. His taking the piss every woman I day wants to get married . Have a small weddimg then buy the dresa second hand or rent . Let’s c what his excuse will b theN 

his wasting ur time babe But u make him this way by not telling him yrs ago that marriage was impotant to u .

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WannaBeMrs.B:  

Post # 22
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Glamorous marquee

Make a decision now b4 u waste any more time urs and his .i met my fiance at 16 been living together ever since now 24 and engaged when I reached 22 I told him I wNted to get married. He proposed 2 times b4 but I was still young . if he had said after 8 yrs together that we should wait a year or money I’ll b like its kl. I’m not for that . of course u need money to get married y do men say stupid things like that . Like we dnt no the financal situation . Get engaged set a date based on ur finances , 

i wish u all the best but just get on it so u no what u future holds xx

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Annab1.
Post # 23
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Glamorous marquee

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robinvalentine:  babe u have the best advice , it’s the giving up everything that scares PLO in staying relationships that they should have let go a long time ago 

especially when they have children and joint finances u sew it as a changeling . But no what u want and b strong don’t settle life is too short 

Post # 24
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - The Tall Ship Elissa, Galveston, TX

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WannaBeMrs.B:  You poor thing, I can hear the frustration in your words. 🙁  I don’t blame you!! As others have said, I think men are planners by nature… They often regard proposals/weddings as just another big project that needs managing, and they feel like they have to have “all their ducks in a row” before they even get started. My bf and I just recently had this discussion, and I told him that there is no perfect time… and barring a lottery win, finances will never be perfect… but that all I really wanted was to be with him in the end, and that I would marry him with a silver twist-tie around my finger as long as it meant our bond was permanent.

He was actually surprised, lol, like it never occured to him that there wasn’t a “perfect time” for everything and we just had to wait for that time to come along and show itself. We went ring shopping the next day. 🙂

All that being said… 14 years is a good decade+ longer than I would wait for the man I loved to get himself and his feelings together… But every one of us is very, very different!! You have to go with your heart on this one.

I wish you the very best!!

 

-gina-

 

Post # 25
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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WannaBeMrs.B:  Well then why don’t you bring up what that compromise is? Maybe having a small wedding with just immediate family and closest friends so he doesn’t feel uncomfortable and you don’t have to give up what you want.

I think 14 years is more than enough time to get the emotional aspect of taking that dive out of the way. Everyone can always have * =more money* that is an excuse to buy time. My now husband kept using that cop out too, and after awhile I just put my foot down and said, when will it ever be enough? We had a house, a dog, lived together, and did everything together- what else did he possibly need? He didn’t have an answer for it, so I used that to really tell him how I felt and I gave him the option of really making plans for our future together or him being up front with me and letting me know it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon so I could make decisions for myself rather than relying on him to make them all.

Post # 26
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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futuredoctorbee:  Glad you talked to him about the e-ring.  Like I said same thing happened to me.  It’s amazing how different your expectations were from his!  There is a lot of “media hype” around proposing.  My hubbie said for a guy proposing can be stressful.  Men have a lot of anxiety about “getting it right”, I think sometimes as women we forget that.  They love us and their so afraid of disappointing us in some way that it stops them from asking at all.

I assured (my now husband) that the ring, when, and how he proposed would be fine with me.  I completely trusted his judgement.  And the most important thing to me was making that commitment to each other.  Sounds like guys are getting there. 

Post # 27
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

Being on a “break” isn’t going to help you get engaged any sooner.

I think you need to tell him that if you’re waiting around to be more stable in every way, well, then you’re never going to get married because only the extremely lucky have decades of financial and emotional peace with NO bumps in the road. Is he kidding with this?

I could understand if you’ve got a spending problem, or someone has a gambling problem, but just the fact that you’re maybe renting rather than owning a house, that’s not enough to postpone an engagement.

Tell him that you think these things aren’t hindrances to you. Would you be happy with a courthouse wedding? If it’s the money that’s scaring him, tell him just that.

But I just have this feeling that it’s not the whole issue. He brought up divorce as a reason he didn’t want to propose to you. He says he doesn’t believe in it, so I think somewhere in there he’s doubting your relationship on a basic level. Whether it’s you or him he is warning against divorce, who knows…

Post # 28
Member
6302 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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WannaBeMrs.B:  I have been there, my DH and I got engaged one month shy of 12 years together. Like you, we met and started dating as young teens – and grew a lot over the years together. I was ok with many years because I knew that a lot of our years together “didn’t count”. I say that because at 20 we’d been together 5 years but marriage wasn’t realistic at that point. I always knew that we would get married, and I knew he wanted to get married. He was very insistant that marriage come when we were totally ready – career, finances, etc. About 8 years in we had the chance to buy a house, and went for it, despite not even being engaged. My DH is a serious guy, and would have never bought a house with someone he didn’t know he would marry.

Having kids was very important to me, and I would not have kids outside of marriage. I say all that because despite my love for him, I would have walked if we’d gotten to the point I was ready to have kids and he still wasn’t ready to get married.

Only you can decide how long you’re willing to wait. Have you sat down to have a serious talk with him? Are you willing to walk?

Post # 29
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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WannaBeMrs.B:  Have you thought that he might find YOU unsure? You instigated a break just to assure YOURSELF that he loved you. Who would do that if they wanted to get married? I would have a serious talk about what is holding him back and if it’s something you’ve done in the past. He says divorce isn’t optionally, but you’ve chose to Break up once before. Maybe he thinks you’ll do it again. 

Post # 30
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve been where you are with the waiting. I’m very thankful now that my ex ended up telling me I wasn’t the one and that I moved on because as I explored the relationship through counseling later I realized how bad it was for me and how I was actually dealing with emotional abuse that really hurt myself esteem and contributed to me staying when I wasn’t getting everything I wanted and needed.

But the only thing really relevant I have for your situation is that I am a different person now. I tried to kid myself before that I was okay with waiting forever and maybe never getting married but that wasn’t true. Now I know that there will be no staying with anyone because he’s “perfect except for not wanting to marry.” I know that for me, a guy isn’t perfect if he doesn’t want to marry me and start a family with me. It doesn’t matter what other great qualities he has because we aren’t compatible with our dreams ands goals. Also, I’m pretty leary of anyone who says they just don’t do marriage after my personal experience of eventually hearing it wasn’t marriage in general it was me, despite my spending years walking on eggshells trying to be what he wanted.

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