14 years together, no proposal & feeling resentful

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I’m just going to put this out there because it’s what stands out to me. You mentioned your mother and your father were never married, and they are now separated. Though you did not say it outright, the way you worded it implied your mother wanted marriage and your father never gave it to her, and as I’m sure you clearly saw from that relationship, that breeds resentment over the years.

So, now my question is, are you okay with that being your children’s experience, too? Because right now, that’s what they’re seeing as normal in a relationship.

Just some food for thought, Bee. I wish you all the best.

Post # 18
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

londonbeeee :  

I suspect those happy long term couples are both happy and long term because there is a true meeting of the minds on the topic of marriage.  I know couples like that.  For whatever reasons, they decide marriage is not for them.  However, none of the couples mentioned have two children to consider.

If one half of the couple dearly wants to be married and the other is not on board, they can’t be a happy long term couple.

At this point, what OP’s bf is doing is just plain cruel.  He he could end her suffering by either setting a wedding date and do so joyfully.  Or, he can tell the OP that he does not see marriage in their future.  And he can let her go.  Set her free so she can find someone who will be champing at the bit to meet her at the altar.

Instead, he keeps OP dangling to keep her in his life, for his benefit.  And that’s one heck of a lot of benefits he’s getting.  A free cook, maid, and nanny who chips in for expenses and has sex with him?  Why on earth would he want to change all that?

Post # 19
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, this is a tough situation that there is no easy way out of. You can’t go back and demand commitment before kids. What’s done is done. 

I think your only options are to stay and be happy with the arrangement. Or seriously talk to him about marriage and that you need it or will leave.  Might be better to have that conversation in therapy if you haven’t been successful having that conversation with him on your own so far. To me If a man wasn’t willing to marry me after the Home and life and kids I had given him, I would assume he didn’t really love me. A man who truly loves a woman wants to commit and make her happy. I’d be wondering how much he really loves you if he can’t give you marriage even though you have given him everything he wanted. See you gave him what he wants, a family, a home. In return he can’t give you the commitment of marriage. When you think about that, it is a really really shitty thing he is doing to you. The power dynamic between you two is wayyy off. I couldn’t live with and be in a relationship with someone who was treating me so disrespectfully. I think it’s time to leave. 

Post # 20
Member
2032 posts
Buzzing bee

I was in your situation without kids.  Eventually my boyfriend told me he was sorry but it wasn’t marriage it was in fact “ME” that he didn’t want to marry.  He moved out, we sold our house, I met someone else and am now happily married and expecting my first child. 

Post # 21
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

14yearslater :   14 years, 2 kids and multiple excuses later you’re just now figuring out that it’s never going to happen? Especially given that you grew up seeing your mom in the exact same situation?  Either accept the status quo as eternal baby mama/gf or move on.  You can’t force anyone to marry you….

Post # 22
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Sorry to hear you are going through this! My BF’s parents were never married either (although his mother wanted it). My parents on the other hand, were married after one child and my mother demanding they get married before trying for another. My Boyfriend or Best Friend has said that he doesn’t feel like a written marriage contract is important, but definitely wants kids. I told him it is very important that I am married before trying for kids. Our plan is to get married next summer because he knows how important this is to me. Your partner should love you enough to do this for you if it’s that important to you. 

Since you already have children with him and want to stay with him, you should really try to have another conversation with him. He should be able to understand your sincerity and maybe the compromise could be a courthouse wedding and forgo the pomp and circumstance (and $$$) of a ceremony and reception. If that doesn’t work then it’s your choice to stay in this relationship where you may be continually resentful of your partner. 

Post # 24
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

14yearslater :  So happy to read your update, Bee! GOOD FOR YOU and I truly hope your guy does right by you and puts a ring on that finger by November, because you sound stellar and he’d be missing out otherwise. 🙂

Post # 25
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Way to take the reins.  But don’t let me make excuses on December 1st.  That’s 3 months, plenty of time to get a ring a propose. Don’t accept any excuses.  If he doesn’t quickly agree to a wedding date.  Leave anyway.  He can come back when he has a firm date in mind.  

This sounds to me like he has “fear of missing out”.  Being you two grew up together he hasn’t shown any oats ;).  Be firm be.  Your kids deserve to see their mom happy, even if their dad isn’t the one. Don’t let him string you a long with an engagement. You deserve more than a “shut it up” proposal. Good luck bee!! Keep us updated. 

Post # 26
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

14yearslater :  Despite your tough talk with him he  was*still* successful in fobbing you off. He needs to wait until November just to (possibly) get “engaged” (not married) to the mother of his 2 children that he’s been with for 14 years?!  You may eventually get a “shut it up” ring but I’m sorry, it’s very, very,  unlikely that he”ll follow through on ever marrying you…. hope I’m wrong.

Post # 27
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with being cautious about it being a ” shut up” proposal and him wanting a long engagement. If he does propose then again make it clear that you wish to be married by X date and both of you get the ball rolling by looking for a venue etc. Also agree with not accepting any prevarication come Dec 1. such as ” I couldn’t find a ring you would love” or ” I tried to set up a nice proposal but it didn’t pan out so I need more time”. He has had his life with you on his terms for the last 14 years now it is your time to be heard. Hopefully in the future it will be on equal footing.

I truly hope this all works out for you and your kids. It’s great that you have a mum there to back you up and help out at this time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Post # 29
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

If marriage was so incredibly important to you, why did you have children and commit to all other aspects of building a life with this man before having a ring? Sorry bee, you’ve done this backwards and he has no motivation at this point to marry you. And even if he does propose in the fall, won’t it feel like you’re dragging him down the aisle? A man who WANTS to be married does not need that much pushing and prodding. 

Post # 30
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

Stop acting like his wife when you’re just his girlfriend. You are his co-parenting housemate. Do not cook him dinner. Do not do his laundry. And do not do more than 50% of the parenting. Hes been scamming you fir a free ride, bus STOPS here!

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