14 years together, no proposal & feeling resentful

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’m late to the party on this thread but I wanted to say….

indigobee :  *jumps up and applauds* your comment is the best response to a thread I’ve read all day and you 100% deserve praise for it omg 😀

Post # 32
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

Supersleuth :  I was with you until you got to the jewelry. That comment lefta had taste in my mouth. 

Post # 33
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

Good luck!

I hope it all works out. 

I just wanted to say you’re not crazy for wanting marriage, despite having all those other things. 

My mom has never married despite being in many long term relationships. One drunken night she asked me why she’s never been good enough. I’m sure there are other things invovled in those feelings, but no man is worth staying by if they make you feel like that.  (Thus was born my rule of never being anyone’s girlfriend for more than 5 years)

Have a clear idea of how long you want your engagement to be and don’t get stuck in a 14 year engagment. :p 

Post # 34
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

14yearslater :  Just read your update. Don’t just settle for a ring by November because that could definitely be a stalling tactic on his part. You will be perpetually engaged and never married. Say you want a ring by November and a date set within two weeks of receiving the ring. If he freaks at that then just leave before your official walk date because he’s playing games with you and hoping to stall doing what he doesn’t want. At the moment he has  everything he wants without legally committing…

Post # 35
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

14yearslater :  glad to see you spoke. I hope you’ll be back in November (or sooner) with a happy update.

Post # 36
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

14yearslater :  

He got off too easy.  All he had to do was commit to a promise to make a commitment.  You’re really not much closer to marriage now than you were when you started.

He must be some talker.  Is he in sales?

The right response from him would have been:  OMG, babe.  I didn’t realize that you were so unhappy.  Of course we’re getting married.  What do you think about spring?

Bee, there is only one reason your bf hasn’t married you—he doesn’t want to.  And you’re willing to bet the farm that between August and November, he will change his mind do a complete 180 and decide he actually does want to get married.

Even if that were possible, all you will have in November is a promise to get married in the future.  His promises don’t add up to much at this stage.

What is his reason for having to wait until November to even get engaged?  Why are you not engaged and planning a wedding today?  Or, why are you not on your way to the courthouse to make everything official?

I don’t think anyone here is trying to slay your unicorn, but, it is important that you stay in close contact with reality.  You have children to consider.  I would not get their little hopes up at this point.

Post # 38
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee

zenith :  It doesn’t have to be jewellery. It just has to be generosity. 

It doesn’t bode well if he keeps his money (excluding bills) for himself. We already know he doesn’t do other people’s birthdays.

The main thing is that he puts the OP and their children first.

Post # 39
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Either walk now or accept it won’t happen. Of you aren’t even willing to walk you have no bargaining chips and clearly in your situation they are needed. It’s doubtful he will ever marry you if there’s no threat of losing you, because hey it’s been 14 years and nothing. So either walk or accept he’s not marrying you. If you do choose the former just tell him you love him dearly but this is important to you. If he can’t offer you that you don’t resent him but will need to move on. If you choose the latter tell him you love him dearly. 

Post # 40
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

You know what just happened, don’t you?

You just proposed marriage and he told you he needs 3-4 months to decide if the mother of his children and the woman he warms his feet on every night is important enough to him to commit to her. You already know he isn’t very interested in your happiness in general for the smaller things. 

Please start to value yourself more than he does. You deserve much better but you have to want that respect and caring that you are due to make that happen. It’s not going to happen with this man at this point. At best you’ll get hisband that had to be coerced into marriage based on what he thinks he’ll lose if you walk, rather than on what he gains by showing you that he sees you as his true partner in life.

 

 

Post # 42
Member
4057 posts
Honey bee

14yearslater :  no one deserves anything. I hate that word “deserve”. It’s such bullshit. You get what you demand in this world, not what you deserve. 

And You? You’ve demanded nothing. Nothing. You’ve given all and have expected to receive. 

Post # 44
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

14yearslater :  she’s talking about your relationship, bee. from my personal experience, it is so easy to be an independent, ambitious go-getter in every aspect of life except in a crumbling relationship. old habits die hard and it is really hard to just say “fuck it, I’m not happy so I’m out”. 

 

What sunburn is saying is that sure, anyone can claim to deserve happiness. But deserving it doesn’t mean jack shit if you’re not gonna do what it takes to actually achieve it. This goes for your personal life, work life, and relationships. So not pointing fingers because I’m 100% guilty of doing the exact same, but yes, you do seem like you’ve been too polite and naive when it comes to your happiness in this relationship. And until you harden up and actually put your foot down and demand what you really want (you have given this man EVERYTHING…you shouldn’t have to wait another single ass *day* for him to be “ready” to commit to you), you will continue to be unhappy. 

 

I now know in long-term relationships that simply leaving because you’re not getting everything you want is much easier said than done; I’m just trying to clarify what everyone else here is saying. 

Post # 45
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I think people are being a bit harsh on you.  It sounds like you need to get better at watching out for yourself and having your needs heard, but you are working on it.  I think you are right to try to make it work with your kids’ dad if you love each other.  It sounds like November was the date you brought up, so maybe he will propose sooner.  Or maybe it would make you feel more in control to just propose to him?  I do think it’s fairly common to be in a long relationship before marriage when you meet very young and it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to marry you.  

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