14 years together, no proposal & feeling resentful

posted 11 months ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
30 posts
Newbee

it’s time to put your money where your mouth is and leave.

 

I’m sorry – easier said than done i know. But clearly he thinks you’re all talk, which is why nothing happened. And you’ve stayed, proving his point. If he truly wants you in his life forever, leaving will make him realize what he’s lost immediately and step up. But after 14 years, and an ultimatum, and no proposal, i hate to say it, but it sounds like this man is willing to live his life without you.

You need to find someone who puts your wants and needs first. This man is going to break your heart forever if you stay without getting the committment you want and need. 

Good Luck. I don’t mean any of this to sound harsh, I just hope for your sake you move on. You will be happier with someone else one day who will committ. 

Post # 62
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

14yearslater :  Why are you still with him?! 

I understand needing time to gather the strength to leave after passed deadlines, but it sounds like you’re still deluding yourself, holding out hope that he will somehow suddenly, magically want to marry you.

He has shown you for 14 years he will not marry you. Ever. And for some reason you thought after 14 years, an ultimatum, and him REFUSING to propose in spite of the threat of losing you, that maybe he’d propose 5 months later on your birthday? Come on, bee. This is just sad. 

If he was ever going to propose, he would have either done it a decade ago or when you threatened the relationship with the ultimatum.

You could have been rid of this loser long ago. Or you could have spent the last 5 months mentally, financially and emotionally preparing to leave- but you’re not. You’re still sitting here, in the same position you were years ago.

I really hate to be harsh, but you’ve been with this piece of shit for 14 years and now you can tack on almost another HALF A YEAR more of pure bullshit 

You are pissing away your time with this jackass

I’m so sorry, bee, but it gets to a point where you are doing this to yourself and you either need to take some responsibility for yourself and your children and move on or you accept that this is it and get over it. There is no other choice 

 Make a decision. Do something already- it has been almost 14 and a half years and this bullshit will end when you decide it ends. 

It’s okay to grieve. It will take time. But you need to do something about this. It has been way too long

Please recognize that you deserve better, but until you work towards finding that something better, this misery is all you will know. I hope you can find some peace with this. Good luck

Post # 63
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m with the poster above   You needed to leave 8 months ago.  Actually a lot sooner than that. You can’t change the past though, only move forward with today and today is the day you pack up and walk out that door.  Didn’t your mom say she could take you in?  Go there, or a friend,  or a hotel, and plan your future from there.  Don’t waste another second of your life with this guy.  The longer you stall is the longer you’ve stuck yourself in a hopeless situation.   

Post # 64
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

BEE.  It’s been 14 YEARS.  Fooouurrrttteeeeeeeeeeen.  I don’t understand why you thought 8 more months would change something?!  He is not going to marry you.  As you mentioned in your update, it’s time to leave and find someone who will make you happy.  The end.

Post # 65
Member
2458 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

It seems wrong to break up a home over the lack of a proposal and a wedding and legal marriage. The kids won’t be well served by being uprooted from the only situation they have ever known. 

If he doesn’t get drunk or abuse you, and doesn’t cheat, you have gone along with it for 14 years, so this is the bed you made. Not to say you don’t deserve to be married, but this is what you did, so maybe you should just adjust. 

In case something were to happen to you, the children’s father would get custody unless he is unfit. Judges strive to keep children with their natural parent if at all possible. Another relative with standing would have to petition the court for custody and they would probably lose, if the children’s father was willing and able to raise them.

Post # 66
Member
4994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

DanaWeddingGuest :  If he doesn’t get drunk or abuse you, and doesn’t cheat, you have gone along with it for 14 years, so this is the bed you made.

That is the oddest advice I have ever heard, even for the bee.  She is still in her 20’s and you think that because he doesn’t get drunk and abuse her or cheat on her that she should stay in an unfulfilling relationship because she has made her bed?! 

Kids are adaptable and do much better with two exs co parenting than with a mother and a father who are together but are not happy together.  Staying together for the kids when you aren’t even 30 is not a good idea. 

Post # 67
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

DanaWeddingGuest :  If marriage is something so important to her, then she should find someone who can give that to her. He’s leading her on. He knows what she wants, but is stringing her along. The only thing worse than staying with someone for 14 years without a proposal is staying with someone for 14 years + 1 day.

ETA: Staying together for the kids is such a shitty excuse. My parents did that and I held so much resentment towards them.

Post # 68
Member
6672 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

DanaWeddingGuest :  “If he doesn’t get drunk or abuse you, and doesn’t cheat, you have gone along with it for 14 years, so this is the bed you made.”

This is awful advice. 

OP, it’s been 14 years. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Because nothing is going to change. It’s time for you to realize that. 

Post # 69
Member
779 posts
Busy bee

14yearslater :  This is the problem with ultimatums. You have to be willing to follow through. 

The deadline of November has passed, and instead of showing that this was a serious concern for you and something you were willing to leave him over, you…showed the exact opposite.

If you want to be just like your mother, upset and unfulfilled until finally enough is enough, go right ahead. Don’t you dare pretend like your case and your relationship is any different from your parents. Be honest with yourself about the life you have DECIDED to live. 

Post # 70
Member
546 posts
Busy bee

MissCtoMrsR :  I couldn’t agree with you more! My parents stayed together (they were married) for the kids and I hated it. We heard all the fighting all the time and out in public they would fight and it would so awkward as kids and teens. It does a lot of damage – part of the reason I don’t want kids.

33 years later and they finallly pulled the plug on divorce.

Post # 71
Member
8723 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

DanaWeddingGuest :  This is the most absurd drivel I’ve read in a long while. Good for a laugh except some poor idiot might actually listen to it, which would be sad.

Post # 72
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

sweetdee89 :  Similar situation. They finally divorced once I went away to college. They thought it would be better for my sibling and I to be in a house with both parents. I guess they thought staying in a house with 2 parents who hated each other was best -_-

Post # 73
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

DanaWeddingGuest :  Its fine if you have low standards for your own relationship but please don’t push them on others. Not getting drunk and being abusive has to be the lowest bar ever to set for relationship standards. 

Post # 74
Member
3515 posts
Sugar bee

Give him back his stupid necklace and night away. Who needs that? And then just go away. If you stay with him it will wear you down; it’s already started.

I’m sorry but I despise men like your boyfriend, who live and procreate with women but won’t marry them. Scum if the earth. I don’t know how you can look at him.

Post # 75
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee

14yearslater :  him giving you a necklace should’ve been the final of many nails in the coffin. the fact that he *intentionally* bought you a jewelry item that was NOT an engagement ring was his last way of concretely telling you:

”it ain’t gonna happen, sweetheart”. it takes a really heartless SOB to stay with a woman for 14 years, make her the mother of his spawn, and STILL tell her she’s not good enough to commit to legally.

if you stay, know that your pain is only self-inflicted. 

 

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