14 years together, no proposal & feeling resentful

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

happiekrappie :  yes agree,  sadly it’s self inflicted at this point…I hope OP decides to get the courage to leave. 

Post # 77
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  I don’t think that the children will derive much benefit from being raised by a mother marinating in a stew of resentment toward their father. 

Post # 78
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

DanaWeddingGuest : ” If he doesn’t get drunk or abuse you, and doesn’t cheat, you have gone along with it for 14 years, so this is the bed you made”

I thought we had moved past this outdated thinking into empowering young women to raise the bar higher in how they’ll allow themselves to be treated. 

“This is the bed you made” is incredibly bad advice. You absolutely 1000% do not have to resign yourself to a bad situation. 

Not abusing or cheating your partner should be a given, not some low low standard that gives a gold star to someone for achieving this bare minimum. A person is not automatically a ‘good enough’ partner just by making it over a bar that’s set so low even a snake could slither over. 

It’s not just about a ring or a wedding. It’s about a partner who has no respect for her, no consideration for her feelings or needs or dreams or goals. It’s about a partner who will tell her what she wants to hear with no intention of follow through, who continues to mislead and manipulate her for his own benefit. It’s about a partner who is stingy with gifts and secretive and selfish with money and hasn’t provided any long term security for her or their children. 

And staying in an unhappy relationship creates a toxic environment for everyone, especially the children to whom you give very little credit in their ability to pick up on what is going on in their own home.  

Post # 79
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I sort of knew my advice would be ripped to shreds. But I don’t think it is relevant to mention my own relationship in tearing me a new one. I have been married 26 years, not that it applies to what I said. 

I agree, if you don’t want to just live with a guy you had 2 kids with, for 14 years with no proposal… then don’t do it. But the OP did it. 

So every one’s advice is to rewind the last 14 years, dump this guy who is the father of her 2 kids, and start over. I don’t think the OP said she is unhappy, she spoke well of the relationship. 

I do believe in do-overs, but you also have to take responsibility for everything you do. 

Kids don’t care if mom is happy and fulfilled in her relationship. Kids are selfish little need-bags and they couldn’t care less about Mom’s wish for a proposal, a wedding, a commitment. If she wanted that, she should have held out for it 14 years ago. 

And no, I don’t mean sex.

Advice to a girl who has been with a boyfriend for 3 years, no kids? I would say dump him and move on.

Post # 80
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

DanaWeddingGuest :  Kids don’t care?? Really? My mom and dad weren’t happy and it was very obvious to me that they were just staying together because of me. As kids get older it becomes more apparent to them as well. I got caught in the middle of it (unintentionally) and it made growing up with them super awkward. I would have rathered they split up than have to see constant tension between them. 

Post # 81
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  Kids don’t care? [comment removed] My brother and I 100% cared about my mom and her happiness. It was so clear and apparent how unhappy and miserable she was that she stayed with my dad ‘for the kids’. We saw it so much, that when they told us they were divorcing we were not suprised. Both of our responses were, ‘what took you so long?’. It broke my heart that my mom was so miserable and I saw she could be so much happier.

[comment removed]

Post # 82
Member
838 posts
Busy bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  kids don’t care if mom is happy??? You have got to be kidding me. Idk what type of a kid you were but I guarantee that I 100% cared about my mom (and dad’s) happiness from a very young age. They had a long rough patch when I was in middle school and I used to pray they’d get a divorce instead of the constant fights. They were able to resolve their issues after counseling and were very happy after that but had that not been the case, I would’ve much rather they had divorced.

Girl bye. 

Post # 83
Member
10186 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

DanaWeddingGuest :  

If he doesn’t get drunk or abuse you, and doesn’t cheat, you have gone along with it for 14 years, so this is the bed you made. Not to say you don’t deserve to be married, but this is what you did, so maybe you should just adjust.

Bee, the absence of alcoholism, abuse, or cheating may be your personal high bar; but, it’s not enough for healthy people.

 

Post # 84
Member
905 posts
Busy bee

WHAT. AN. ASS.

He stole a chunk of your time (in years) and made them his. Selfish mther effer.

Post # 85
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I just noticed the original post was 8 months ago. I wonder if she is still with her boyfriend.

Post # 86
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  As a parent I do not see kids as ‘selfish little need-bags’ but as intuitive little human beings who are powerless to change the family dynamics grown-ups impose on them. Young children may not be able to understand adult issues in the same way, but they can most certainly pick up on the tension and animosity emanating from their first role models in this world. And they can most certainly feel fear, anxiety, tension, apprehension and a host of other negative emotions that comes with witnessing the fallout of a toxic relationship on a daily basis. 

 

Post # 87
Member
4737 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Selfish little need bags is a new low on this site for describing kids. 

Post # 88
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Ask yourself, is this situation what you would want for your daughter or son? If not, you have your answer. Only you can teach those kids what real strength and courage looks like. 

Post # 89
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  I’m not going to rip you to shreds, I detest the way people can’t handle a dissenting opinion on this site. People see things through their own filter and thus take it way too personally if anyone has another point of view. I do see your point, but I think you’re missing the deleterious effect of this woman’s resentment in the years to come.

Post # 90
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I don’t believe you can change a man, but I do believe you can help them understand your side of things in a number of ways.

Years ago, I tried everything to get the man I as seeing to propose including jumping up and down. We don’t have children together and we still don’t, and at the time he didn’t understand the point in being married since his parents never married.

One thing I realized is that, men have to grow into the idea of marriage. Men are very practical thinkers. By appealing to this side, my ex actually ended up proposing to me and I had no clue he planned the whole thing! Lol

Perhaps presenting him with the idea of why it would be a practical idea, such as the security of the children’s futures as well as your own and his? Or, discussing being role models for your children so when they are older, then can understand the security of marriage and how it can benefit them? Most weddings have become so commercialized, that it’s hard to see past the decor and jewelry to value the sanctity of marriage these days.

I thinkif he can value it from a future and practical side, he would value the idea of marriage with you much more.

 

Best wishes,

 

Beautiful Stranger

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