Post # 1
Hi guys. Thanks in advance for reading. My fiance (eeeee!!) and I got engaged last weekend; here is my proposal post & ring pic if anyone wants to see.
And Im off!! He asked, I said yes!
We are pretty excited and so are all of our friends, siblings, etc. The problem: the parents. My mom is pretty nonchalant about the whole thing; but his parents are not happy at all. His mom very reluctantly said congrats and did dad wont even acknowledge that we are engaged. Fiance discussed the proposal with both of our parents. His dad expressly told him not to propose to me; but Fiance went ahead and did it b/c we both knew it was time.
So his dad told us that we should wait until after Fiance is done with his residency to get married (that would be at least 6 years, HA!) We both said absolutely not. His parents then decided that they would not support a wedding before May 2012 (when SO graduates from med school). His mom even insinuated that they would not give money or time towards the wedding (outside of a gift) unless we wait 2.5 years. I told them it wasnt about the wedding but it was about the marriage. Then his mom said basically b/c it is her first son; we need to do it the right way, i.e., their way.
Originally we had planned a 1.5 yr engagement for July 2011; which is not that short anyway. His parents literally have a mental block to us getting married before he graduates. They said if we do it, then he will fail out of med school (puh-lease); never mind the fact that even if the wedding is right after he grads; we would still be planning while he is in school. Basically we don’t know what to do; I just think a 2.5 year engagement is borderline ridiculous and I might as well give the ring back. On the other hand; I would want our marriage to start of as a joyous occasion; filed with well wishes and happiness. Not a moody one where our parents are just mumbling under their breaths the whole time. I also dont want to start of our lives together with the precedence that the rents control every decision we make.
Do you guys have any thoughts about this? We are both at a loss; even tho I am leaning toward the longer engagement right now just to keep the peace. I just feel like crap because all these plans I had are not just sitting by the wayside.
Post # 3
It’s your decision – do what’s right for you, and not whatever pleases his parents! It doesn’t sound as if they are fair at all.
Post # 4
I’m inclined to say you’re both adults and you should do as you please. I’m not sure what they think postponing the wedding another year will do exactly. If it was me, I’d be getting married when my fiance and I decided to get married, not when his (or my) parents said we should. That said, I know it’s hard with families and emotions. I think my fiance’s mom was a bit apprehensive at first (she thinks 25 is too young to be married) but she’s come around. Perhaps they just need a bit of time to get used to the idea that their son is getting married. Good luck!
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Well, my Fiance and I are getting married before he finishes grad school – he’ll be in school for about a year and a half after we get married. His parents weren’t thrilled – they wanted us to wait – but we are waiting at least until I graduate college (I’ll graduate in December), and we felt like that was enough…his parents eventually accepted it and everything is fine. If you guys feel like getting married in a year and a half is the right decision for you, I think you should go for it. His parents have plenty of time to get used to the idea, and they will be happy for you once they get over it.
Post # 6
It is your decision and your wedding. Do what suites you! I on the other hand was the one that had a 2.5 year engagement, well 2 years for months to be exact. His mother was not happy one bit when we got engaged. His mother is one of those mothers who thinks her son can do better no matter who he is with. Well, we had to wait that long because of finances. I just turned 30 and we were not in a position to do it last year. Well, with the little extra wait we did, his mother has turned her thought around and atleast seems happy that we are getting married this December FINALLY. I did not want my marriage to start without everyone being happy.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I was in your spot. Engaged August 2008, married FINALLY December 2010
Post # 7
You’ll end up married either way. Having gotten through an almost 2-year engagement, I have to say that they aren’t that bad. It’s great to be able to plan slowly, one thing at a time. pread the cost out too.
it’s really ultimately up to you and your Fiance, but it’s not the worst thing ever.
Post # 8
Thanks you guys! Im so inclined to just elope right now Im so frustrated. I just feel crapped all over; his father behaved as if this is the worst thing. We have been together almost 6 years, my gosh.
@megan215 did you find it difficult to wait?
Post # 10
Absolutely it was difficult. More difficult in the beginning cause I was so excited and I wanted to do everything NOW. I booked the venue in December 2008, I was able to get last years prices, which saved me a $1000 in the long run. By waiting, it gives you time to look at great deals and see what your vision is without being rushed. It is Jan and my wedding is in 11 months. Most things are done now. I hate being stressed. I got great deals on Photographers and DJs cause they had no one on the books for 2010 when I contacted them. I had time to enjoy being engaged.
Don’t get me wrong I am not telling you to wait, I am just telling you what got me through. I had time to spend visualizing and getting wonderful deals. Not easy to have a $10000 budget in Philly, but all in all I am not going to far over! 🙂
Post # 11
It sounds like his parents are very concerned about the wedding potentially jeopardizing his school work. Is there anything you can do to reassure them? We did postpone our wedding until we finished grad school. It was tough planning a wedding, going to school, and a career. I am glad I gave myself extra time. Could you say that you will be doing all of the wedding planning so your Fiance can focus on his studies? I mean as the bride I practically planned the whole wedding with minimal involvement from the Fiance.
Post # 12
We waited until after we both finished school to get married but it really depends on you. That being said, you don’t want to do something that will make his family angry at you over the long run and ruin your relationship with them. Do you think that they will be okay if you get married and then they see that he didn’t fail out of school? Also, who is paying for the wedding? You can’t really expect them to pay for the wedding if they don’t think you should get married yet.
Waiting isn’t that horrible (and allows you time to plan a lot) but it does get pretty boring at times too.
Congrats on the engagement!
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
we are getting married right after my fiance graduates med school and right before he starts residency. This was our decision because the timing was right for us, even though it meant a 20-month engagement. I think you need to do what you feel is right – I’ve seen lots of people get married during med school and they have been fine (with good planning in their schedules) but despite a long engagement and being ready to marry my fiance at any day, I don’t think the extra year will change anything in a bad way for you. I know this is convoluted – I just hope it’s helpful!
Post # 14
@Aubergold- Congrats on your engagment first of all!
I think you should do what’s right for you and Fiance. Do you already live together? If you dont, is that a reason his parents think his school will suffer, not enough time to study? I honestly can’t think of any reason why they think getting married would make him drop out of med school. I would think they know their son enough to know that he wouldn’t do that! Also has his dad had issues w/you in the past? It seems so rude he doesn’t acknowledge the engagement at all. UGH.
I say do what makes YOU guys happy, everyone else will either keep bitching about it or get over it!
Post # 15
it is very reasonable to plan a wedding and get married in med school. I’ve seen lots of people do it. I’ve even seen people have kids in med school. Do it your way if that’s what you want and you can save enough to afford it. Also, most guys barely have a hand in planning a wedding. So I don’t see what his parents are so worried about – it will all most likely fall to you.
Post # 16
Honey these people are going to hold money over your head for EVERYTHING! Now it’s the wedding DATES, later it’ll be what KIND of wedding, who they can invite, everything.
Get married when you want and just freakin’ DO IT. He’s not going to FAIL med school this far in. Especially since you’re aware of the work load he’ll be carrying…if you’re willing to carry the heaviest loads of the wedding (i planned ours all by myself so don’t let anyone tlel you it’s impossible. It SO is. you just pick a place that has more things available to them at hand) without, i hate to say, bothering him too much, you’ll be fine.
If you can get married without their money, I say do it…the fact that they’re holding money over your heads in order to get you guys to marry when THEY want you to get married concerns me.