(Closed) 1.5 yr engagement (our way) vs. 2.5 yr engagement (parents’ way)

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

Oh my gosh, I can see where they are coming from a bit, but I find that just plain rude. Do it whenever you want to! You could tell them, “Well we were actually thinking about going and eloping this weekend.” See if they are so high and mighty then. But I agree with the others. First it will start with when, then who, then how and so on. Just go with what you want to.

Post # 33
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ug, you are in a tough spot.

For peace, you may just want to wait. I know it stinks, but lets think about the good things:

– you can plan a kick-butt wedding!

– you won’t have to rush for anything

– you will have your pick of venues

– you may be able to get some awesome deals if you can put downpayments down in the next 6 months

– pretty much any DIY project you can think of, you can do

– you can pay for the wedding and still afford fun things for yourselves that aren’t wedding related (trust me, 1.5 years of no splurging on anything not wedding related kind of stinks)

– you can take your time to focus on the MARRIAGE part, not just rush for wedding stuff

I do think moving in together in a year is a decent idea. Another consideration: if FI’s family is going to help pay, tell them you will marry in 2012 if they will pony up some money for downpayments NOW. Since there is a recession right now, businesses need cash. If you can give them some now, you will likely be able to negotiate a discount and lock recession prices. Just take your time, and read those contracts!

Good luck. It sounds like you have a great guy, if crazy Future In-Laws.

Post # 34
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think that if his parents are still so involved in his life that they could conceivably “cut him off” if you got married before their date, then he may not really be self sufficient at this time.  

Post # 36
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee

Quick question:  How is your relationship with the family?  Do they object to him marrying on your timeline or to him marrying YOU?  I ask because you said that Father-In-Law said don’t propose.  If they don’t like you, then no amount of waiting is going to mend that broken relationship.  If its the timing, sit down and talk with both sets of parents.  Discuss like adults and see if you can make them acquiesce to your date or come up with a compromise.

Post # 37
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you’re being very considerate in this situation, especially given how unreasonable they seem to be acting. There are a lot of red flags here. Like his dad telling him not to propose – why? What’s his reasoning? Also, the things his mother said are concerning. You said that she “insinuated that they would not give money or time towards the wedding (outside of a gift) unless we wait 2.5 years” and  “because it is her first son; we need to do it the right way, i.e., their way.” And now saying they’ll cut him off? This is really controlling behavior, and it seems like it’s about more than just the wedding. Have his parents been controlling in the past? Do they try to control other aspects of your life now? I can understand your desire to want things to start off on the right foot (which is really kind), but if this all boils down to them not wanting their son to grow up and get married, you ultimately won’t be able to give them what they want anyway.

This is such a difficult situation. Personally, I would try to explain your point of view to them (or have Fiance explain it), but in the end, you should do what’s right for you and your Fiance. They shouldn’t be trying to bully you, and it probably won’t end here if this is about a larger issue.

 

 

Post # 39
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

At the end of the day, you will be married to the love of your life and will not have to incur any financial debt for it!

Absolutely not fair, but there’s always a bright side to every situation 🙂

Post # 40
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

That doesn’t sound like a great solution for you.  I would elope, his parents do not sound healthy.  Did he used to have a good realtionship with them?  What’s the point of having a big wedding instead of eloping if someone else who is really different from you gets to pick everything?

Post # 42
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

Can I say “control freaks”??

That is just plain odd.

Post # 43
Member
14 posts
Newbee

With some people, they have to be told how it’s going to go down before they’re willing to help or compromise. My family’s like that – if I want something, but I don’t prove I’m going to have it with or without them, they act like I didn’t want it enough to merit their approval.

Post # 44
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

@susieqtpi…. you make a good point.

I mean, they say that NOW, but in a year and a half are they really going to feel that way?

 

Post # 45
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you need financial support from other people on your wedding day I say wait till you can afford it yourself or elope if you cant afford a big wedding. thats just IMO

But to each their own : )

Post # 46
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m glad you managed to work something out even if it’s not ideal… It’s such a tough situation to be in!  For me, I ended up having a long talk with my parents, and they realize (after much much debate) that for us, June 2011 was the best for us.  They’re still not thrilled with the idea, but like susieqtpi said, you kind of have to show that you want it.  Sometimes I still struggle though if it’s better to wait until summer 2012, but it doesn’t work for Fiance then because he’ll have to go straight to internship.  At least you’ll get a wedding paid for you… Maybe you can “compromise” some more so that you can actually plan your own wedding, instead of them planning one for you!  Good luck and I hope it works out for you!  Please let me know if you need anything!

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